Saturday, December 13, 2008
When there is so much to be done...even when I am not doing any of it?
When there are so many who need..even when I am not meeting those needs?
When the voice in my head overwhelms the knowledge of my spirit?
When the knowledge is in no way surpassed by understanding?
There is a difference you know...
...between knowing and understanding.
Today I am a girl wrestling...
Wrestling with herself... her view of herself...
Have you ever been incapacitated?
There was a period of time ( about 5 years long) when I exhibited major symptons of MS...
The symptoms came on suddenly... one day I was fine the next I was collapsed, on a gurney in an ambulance sucking on laughing gas wondering why my body wouldn't do what it was told.
Over the next 5 years I regularly lost control of either side of my body..I would lose my hearing...my sight..use of my hands and would fall down. I had severe dizzy spells and all manner of complications...was hospitalized, poked, prodded and talked about amongst the specialists.
I am ok now.
I know what it is like to lose freedom.
To not be able to drive...
or lift my children in my arms...
But recently I have discovered a deeper form of incapacitation residing in my psyche.
They say that the person you talk to most in your life is yourself.
Very rarely do I agree with "them"..but this is one of those times.
I have realized that my mind is incredibly powerful.
And why not?
Look at what the human mind has conceived on the earth.
We are brilliant.
Capable of anything.
If you look carefully enough...
You can see that we are desperate to create life...
But are succeeding at self-annihilation.
My brain surprises me all the time.
IT is VERY self involved..
I do realize that if it wasn't I would be dead.
I am so glad it is doing it's job.
I cried as I fell asleep last night.
I am 41 and I still can cry myself to sleep like a baby.
No one hurt me.
My husband had held me and was kind.
My boys are all affectionate, caring and loving and they honor me daily.
( FYI..they drive me round the bend too)
I cried...over myself.
The girl inside..still incapacitated in so many ways by the lies of self hatred...
self worth...my view of my accomplishments and lack there of..my view of my body...my weaknesses...my failed attempts at consistency.
As I awoke on this frigid,snowy morning...I realized...
Self interpretation is kind of like the pottery vase giving it's own review.
The painting on the wall being it's own art critic.
The gourmet meal doing it's own taste test.
I need to remind myself that it is only the designer who has the final say.
Is not self directed.
It is directed towards the one who knows me best.
The one who decided that I was to be.
Towards Him and BY Him.
Renewing my mind is like a daily...moment by moment shower.
Fixing my MIND on HIM..the author and finisher.
I am choosing two words this year to meditate on..stealing one from my friend Paige ...( thanks for the idea..hugs)
I will let the author of my life reign over my page...watch Him move in wonder as he reveals himself to me and....
ME to me... ( I really need his perspective!)
Fixing my mind...towards...
Loving him and enjoying him in the moment...today..and tomorrow...
HE makes all things beautiful.
Posted by Juanita Rose at 8:26 AM