Monday, June 25, 2012

Here and Now

Until recently, for months I had been in somewhat of a slump : void of goals, empty of vision, overflowing with need.
I would wake up and wander, hours drifted by, accumulating at the end of the day, comprised of a whole lot of nothing much.
Or so it seemed.

There was a waiting period after the pain receded and the symptoms started to die down.
I found myself guarded and hyper vigilant.
Fear gripped me:
What if I put a foot wrong and I fall down?
What if I slip?
What if I move too fast?
What if it happens all over again?

My heart would race, and in the darkest part of the night I fought... I fought hard.
For my life:
For : My HERE & NOW.

Prayers trembled on my lips,  spilling over into the dark competing with the snores of my husband slumbering beside me, worn out from a hard days work.

My insides determine my outside.

My insides are what is true about me.

It is the inner that sustains the outer....

A house, no matter how large and no matter how comprised of nails, boards, wire, rock and other small but very significant parts. Most of these parts will never be seen. A decorator will come through with paint and rugs and design and what you see is so far removed from what sustains and keeps out the rain.

Me, the real sustained in the dark so I can walk in the light.
When I shut my eyes and everything disappears....
When I realize that I stand...alone....and I choose for me....
There the battle is fought and won.
On the inside where decisions are made and where trust is forged and hope springs eternal.
Where God himself dwells with me.

here with me.


I am learning that my here and now is the most important factor of my there and then.

So here and now I am really focused on what is going in....and what is coming out as a result.

Garbage in, garbage the saying goes.

The battle is won on the inside....

For each of us, our here and our now are so individual.

Holding on. Letting go.
Building. Demolishing.
Feasting. Fasting.
Moving forward. Taking a retreat.

What ever it is... I pray today that you know and revel in the fact that God is with you.

Here & Now.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

One Life

I hear the statement quite frequently : "You've got one life, spend it wisely."

Life Life Large.

ummmmm...... why ?

Lately, I find myself captivated by this concept, the concept of my One Life.

The feelings that statement engenders are mixed. Middle age does that to you. A panic sets in at the measuring of time passed vs time yet to be.

Suddenly I am there. Questioning. Reasoning. Evaluating. Concluding. And the insecurities swamp the boat.

With whom do I compare my One life to see if it is adequate?
With whom do I measure to see if I am where I should be?
With whom to I adapt and adjust and accomodate so that the value of my days, activities and choices result in a life well spent?

Between what happens to me and what I cause to happen...I live. Those are the bookends of my life.

 I, for the most part, cannot control what happens to me: what others choose to do and say, that's beyond my control.

And then there is me, the girl who can while the day away with a book... while someone is off in Nepal scaling Everest, curing cancer or inventing cars that fly.

A bike ride through Fish Creek Park sends me soaring and tears clog my throat at the beauty of sunlight and shadows through the leaves, the sound of the creek in full flood fills my ears and drowns out any sign that there is a city all around: and my heart leaps.
 Fire in the fire pit, leaping and crackling at the end of a day NOT spent cleaning my house.... and the peace of sitting around the pit with sons: Its a GOOD day.

Conversations with friends, family and sometimes even strangers brings such joy.

People are precious. Even when broken and crushed beneath the weight of pain, suffering and chaos. PEOPLE ARE PRECIOUS.

 Maybe I am not ambitious enough. Maybe I should want more, do more, be more.

 I live in a society that has perfected the art of MORE....of wanting MORE... of doing MORE... and it is NEVER satisfied.
The struggle for me is to understand and believe that today.... my life ....has as much meaning and value as I sit and write from my laptop in bed: as any other day.
I am precious and priceless and my life has value because it was given to me by the Creator.
My worst day... is still FULL of His presence.
My ONE LIFE: Is who I am: I am His.

 Today, there are those I know and love just barely making it through. There are those I care about who are in a place of surviving...and to them thriving is a dream.
 I say to you today my friends: I am blessed to share air with you, privileged to have my ONE LIFE overlapping with yours.

There are others I know who simply live. Live simply.

There is a day in the life...but there is also a LIFE in the day.

i.cherish it. 


today is my life.

today is your life.

you don't have to fill it: just live it.