Bigger on the Inside

Up at 6:30 am this morning.
Taking back my mornings means I take back my day.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about how seeing the dawn really impacts the rest of my day.
Watching the light approach and push back the darkness has always struck me as miraculous.


I know it is just the rotation of the earth on it's axis...
the same way the seasons change with the tilt of the earth  and it's position relative to the sun...
But..oh the magic..
the wonder..
when it happens...
the science fails..it falls to the ground and the stunning magnificence of CREATION reigns supreme.
The shout: "Let there BE" echoes through my soul!
The whisper: " Let there be" dances across my consciousness.....
Was it a shout?
A whisper?
It was power.
It was presence.
HE was.

This morning I was struck anew as I read the first chapter of James out loud in my living room.
I was captivated as I read Extreme Devotion with my sons.
I marveled as I held my steaming coffee on the cusp of a new day...

This life is bigger on the inside.
I grow to fit.
How is it that I can feel my heart expanding...when it is just flesh, blood, muscle...temporary ?
How can I KNOW my consciousness is expanding to fit eternal perspectives ?
How can I see with my eyes closed?
I am MORE... than I was yesterday... but have been fully known from before the foundations of the world.

Oh the magic.
Oh the wonder.
Oh the joy.

Today..I am going to live...
Inside out....

The view is breathtaking!

The Great Absurdity

"The cosmos turns on our little prayers...

the greatest danger is that we are kept from our worship and our prayers."

Harold Myra

Prayers are not like fog that rises and soon dissipates in the wind or the sunshine.

Worship is not songs sung in the middle of religious rites.

I have known and walked with God from my infancy.

He has shattered my life with his grace and mercy.

The fabric of who I am has been worked by his hands..

the hands of a master weaver.

The hands of love.

Life is devastating.

Unrelenting in it's forward motion.

It's lessons immovable.

How soon I forget the simplicity of the gospel.

Walk in the light.

Seek first His kingdom.

Cry out.

He will answer.

Draw near.

Love does not exist at a distance.

Communion exists face to face.

Hand to hand.

Mouth to mouth.

Intimacy: heart to heart.

Every day I stand upon new soil.

Upon a new shoreline.

Mercies new.

Reborn.

Each moment heavy with possibility.

Saturated in the miraculous.

He fills all.

I will worship.

I will cry out.

I will offer my prayers.

My little prayers.

I will trust Him to:

Illuminate.

Forgive.

Save.

Restore.

Strengthen.

Sustain.

Heal.

Love.

How absurd.

How simple.

How like a child.

Child-like.

Exactly.

3in30 Goals

I didn't think it would be so hard to come up with goals for the month. My dilemma is narrowing them down. The other dilemma is making sure my goals merge with my priorities: God, family and a healthy body,soul and spirit. I am a typically fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl. I am very spontaneous and passionate. I have ideas running through my head 24/7 and narrowing my focus and not spreading myself too thin is going to be a challenge. I do not have a busy life per se even though I have three sons still at home...we are very low key. My brain however is very busy and needs a personal assistant of its own!


So...after much deliberation and consultation with my gray matter I have set my first goal as :


1. Getting up at a consistent time, reading my bible and journaling: alone time with God. (3 in 1)


My second goal involves family, in that we have gotten into a rut of watching television most evenings: lots of Food Network and other such channels so #2 is:
                                                      
2. Cutting down on evening tv and introducing other family building activities.


Number 3 is tricky because I think it is the most difficult for me. It is personal and I HATE setting it down on paper and giving myself an ultimatum. But that is the point isn't it? So I need to get it set in stone.


3. Write every day. Not just my blog. I need to commit to my WIP ( works in progress) and get to the point of submitting a proposal. 


Now I am scared.Have I mentioned that I HATE putting this down in black and white????


My heart is racing. I have such encouragement and support from family in my life. I know that setting goals and working towards creating habits is good and right. But I am also going to need divine help and intervention. So I commit these goals to God and trust him for strength and the power to see them accomplished: For His glory.

Love Actually

"What is this thing called love?"

This thing that songwriters...
novelists...
psychiatrists..
sociologists...
playwrights...
scriptwriters...
pastors..
priests...
children...
teens...
adults...
...are desperate to capture..experience..explain...

I remember reading 1 Corinthians 13 as a child and knowing that it was impossible.
It was to my mind the most impossible..improbable part of the bible...
More difficult than the Resurrection Story, the walking on water...or crossing of the Red Sea...

I remember praying to God as I walked in the woods around my family home in Nova Scotia...
As I wandered the dusty dirt roads to my great-grandmother's farm house...
As I canoed on the lake and skipped stones on the shore...
As I skated on black ice filled with air bubbles that looked like stars in the moonlight....

I remember asking God to show me what love was....it's true nature....I wanted to believe....

I remember crying out loud..
I remember saying to the not so silent woods:
"I want to know what love is...I want you to show me"
(I said this long before I knew they were lyrics to a song)

More than 3 decades later and I can say with certainty....
..that love is possible...
Not because I have perfected the art of loving...or been loved perfectly by those around me...
I know because ..
The love of my creator has never waned...
His attention and care has never faltered...
His purity of purpose has swallowed all my imperfections..
His availability has been constant.

I am realizing that love is incapable of being withheld.
It's very nature prohibits it.

Today I marvel at my heavenly father's answer to my prayer.
He has surrounded me with love and that love...
Flows freely and unhindered towards me and swirls in eddies around me...

The goal is to tilt back your head..
throw your arms wide open...
close your eyes and relish the fact that you do NOT decide who gets it and who doesn't.
Love is not dependent on the person who is being loved.
It lives and breathes to be...to do...
....to love...unhindered....without constraints...

It is....possessed by none..available to all...


Love has nothing in it that says:
" But they so I "....

God is light.
God is love.
Freely you have received..
Freely give.
Lavishly.
Unrestrainedly.
Uninhibitedly.
Undeservedly.

Take off the reins.
What you are holding on to...portioning out...rationing..

Is. not. love.

It is counterfeit.

Toss it.

You know the true thing.

It has no weight.
It is no burden.
Has no lack.
No end.

You have to believe in it...
It takes faith...
Because you can't give what you don't first receive...
You are beloved....B.E.L.O.V.E.D....
LOVED first. Then LOVE.
Relax....
Ir's a flow through....it flows through...
It's no pressure... stress free....
It's love...actually...

Open

At 6:50 am I woke with a migraine.
Ouch.
Grabbed for the extra strength bottle closest to me...
Crawled gently back into bed and emerged just after lunch.
My guys brought me a heating bag, coffee and a smoothie.
The day I get a migraine seems like such a write off.
I am completely incapacitated.
I even look worse than I feel.
Ouch.
As my guys gathered around, telling me what they had accomplished with their schooling and fitness in my absence, I was suddenly overwhelmed with such a sense of awe.
It caught me completely off guard.
Something clicked within my spirit as a looked at each of them..
These strapping young men of mine...in various stages of growth.:
intellectually
emotionally
physically
spiritually
...what was it about them that captivated my attention so thoroughly today?
I realized in a heart beat that it was their openness.
They live wide open.
No matter what I throw at them...
No matter whether I succeed..or fail during the day...
They have remained open.
accessible
teachable
reachable
touchable
They live expecting to be impacted and open to change and transformation.
They trust in my love for them. Even when I fail.
They trust in the Father's love for them. Knowing he never fails.

Watching them... I prayed that I would constantly live open to the ways and the means the Father uses to:
teach me
correct me
motivate me
transform me
use me

We opened up the windows and doors today, as it was above 15 degrees .
(insert happy dance here)
The warm fresh air blew through the house and carried away the stuffy, dank,stale air we had been breathing.
We filled our lungs and basked in the warmth of the sun blazing through the windows.
We felt renewed.restored.revitalized.refreshed.

So..my friends :
...throw open the bolts and unlock the chain....
Open wide the doors...
And leave them open....

Craving the Light

I woke up this morning craving the light.

It was my first thought in that moment between sleep and awake.

I am reading the first novel of a trilogy by Harold Myra called Children in the Night
(It is out of print but you can get it second hand)
I read this book years ago and wrote half of it down in my journal.
(It takes a special book to make it into my journal.)
To this day I have never read a series like it.

The way Myra formed his landscape... the contrast of light to darkness .
The characters individual struggles to embrace the light....
...to reach for the light in a world that has never seen light..
The comparison between physical light and the internal light of truth/love/beauty/wonder ..
...The light of the creator...
Left an impact on my soul.

So much of life is lived in the shadows.
Under the covers.
Behind closed doors.
Under makeup.
Shrouded in fashionable attire.
Cloaked in reputation.

"To see the light.. you must have great longing. "
H. Myra

 I woke up longing today.
It is like a fire... a hunger...
... a desperation...
There is a deep abiding knowledge woven in the very fabric of my existence...

I must walk in the light.
I must let it illuminate all of me.
Expose me.
Undo me.
Remake me.

God is light.
In him there is no shadow.
In his light I can have:
True community. True friendship. Real living.
Everything that is beautiful, good and right.
Strength is found in the light.
The light helps me endure.
Heartache.Pain.Suffering.Loss.Betrayal.Affliction.Persecution.
It feeds my spirit and fortifies hope.
It reaches the deepest of cornors.
Impenetrable dungeons.
The darkest Nights of the Soul.

The sun is blazing in a blue, blue sky today.
In the depths of winter the light it brings is such a gift.

My soul doth magnify the Lord.
My spirit rejoices..in God my saviour.
He is the Light of the World.

I crave him more than life.

Strength Perfected in Weakness...

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” – C.S. Lewis

I am reading through Extreme Devotion (Voice of the Martyrs)
with my guys every morning.
It is nothing short of provoking!
There is a stillness that comes over us all when a truth hits home.
When a life lived in surrender makes it's impact on the shores of our own lives.
When the weakness of another is transmuted into something beautiful..
transcendent...
When the unflinching trust a person places in his creator translates into enemies won to the light.

We are seeing that total trust means that to live or die is gain.
Either one brings glory.
God chooses. Well.
A life preserved illuminates.
A life laid down...does the same.
God loves.
God is good.
God is right.
God. is. God.

He is not a fault finding God.
His strength is perfected in weakness.

Our flesh is weak.
We are scarred.
Maimed.
Crippled.
Flawed.
Afraid.

He fills us up.
He holds us together.
He sustains our life with his breath.
His love knows no limits..no boundaries...
He keeps.
He preserves.
He covers.
He redeems.
He saves.

Every minute.
Of every day.

We admire strength.

It is never more tangible than when contrasted next to abject weakness.

The firefighter carrying someone down a ladder.
The soldier rescuing a fallen comrade on the field of battle.
A father holding his newborn babe.

This walk of faith is a joint venture.
It takes two to have a relationship.
In a world that decries co-dependence...
I am without a doubt utterly and completely and esctatically dependent...

I am NOT my own.
He is the source of my strength.
Like Paul, I glory in my weaknesses...
He is so stunningly contrasted by them.
Look through me.... not at me...and you will see him.

He is utterly beautiful.
And I have need of him.
When I am weak... then he is strong...
Yes Jesus loves me...
The bible tells me so...

Just a Second.....

Alive is good.
Good.
GOOD.

What is so amazing about writing that statement is that in the past few months
I have been wallowing in a reactive state.
What I mean is...I have lived my life in reaction to others choices.
I have been miserable.

Have you ever noticed how your happiness or lack of...
your joy or lack of.....
your peace..or lack of...
Is so dependent upon others?
We choose a position/make our decisions based upon others choices...their state of mind...their strengths..weaknesses...what they do or don't give to us...
We withhold or give based on our perceptions of a person's worthiness.

We live for the payoff.

Our joy is so utterly tied to acceptance...
Others accepting us.

Do what I want.
Be who I need.
Make me look good.
Make me feel good.


How transient is that?
How fragile...
How temporal...
Impossible.

I wander in my mind..sometimes months at a time..I fall deeper into a self righteous indignation at being deprived of what I think I need to sustain my happiness..

I place others in the untenable position of making/keeping me healthy and happy.

I am unhappy.

They should.
If only they...
then I would...

When they don't .... I feel....
If he doesn't..then I....

What?
Walk.
Run.
Hide.
Withdraw.
Stop.
Loving.
Stop .
Radiating.
Stop.
Persevering.
Stop.
Hoping.
Stop.
Living.

Life is precious.
Lived in seconds.
My. Life.
My. choice.

I can blame no one.

I can Love.... with complete abandon.
Laugh.... uninhibited.
Live illuminated.

It is possible.
If I choose.


Where is the source of happiness found?
What is the source of lasting joy?
What keeps hope alive?

Where is the enemy?

In my mind.

The battle for my thoughts ..is fought second by second.

Life changes in a heartbeat...in a split second...

We all know it.
We hear the stories.
We see the images..... the seconds that change a life..for good or bad...

In just a second..if we allow ourselves..
We see someone... living and breathing.. as a miracle...not someone who is failing us.
We see a flower blossoming , smell it's aroma and revel in the miraculous...
We lift our eyes to the mountains.... overwhelmed by majesty...and worship.
We see life as not lacking...but full of potential...breathtaking.
...Sorrow and suffering as integral to the process of living as breathing...
There is Joy to be found and experienced in the midst... if we let it.

Be invaded today.
By a sense of the eternal.
Live your life.
In.a.moment.

Take a second.
Just a second.

Awake

I have been sleeping poorly for about a year now.
A visit to the chiropractor revealed that my ribs were somehow locking in a flexed position after several hours of sleep. This results in NO flexibility to my rib cage which in turn creates the feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place.
The pain wakes me every morning.
Sometimes the wee hours of the morning.
I have had treatment, x-rays.. and am in desperate need of an MRI to figure out the underlying cause.
The wait time for an MRI in this city is shocking.

Life is interesting.

Chronic pain over a long period is wearing.
Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Last night I woke after only sleeping for about two hours.
My heart was racing.
My body hurting.
My mind was in the grip of fear.

I have watched people get diagnosed with terrible diseases.
And live.
And die.
I have watched people bury their loved ones.
And mourn.
And live on.

I was measuring my life in breaths last night.
So aware of every cell.
Every synapse firing.
Every beat of my heart.

The WHO I am at the moment seems so dependent on WHAT I am made of.
The girl behind the green eyes is more than the sum of her parts.
The parts working and those not working so well.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment last night and saw stars and galaxies as light filtered through my eyelids.
I know the universe exists.
I saw the pictures on the internet.

I know I am.
I breathe.
I feel.
I think.
I have the pictures.

Life is emotional.
Intensely sensory.

Last night there were times I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open...
My body wouldn't co-operate.
Sleep eluded me.
Fear found me.
Imagination ruled the dark.

Sleep is like a death every time we succumb.
We drift away.
Lose awareness of being.
Totally dependent on a series of actions intimately linked, performed by an aging body.
Grey matter sending electrical messages to cells and tissues.

Where am I when I sleep?
Where do I go?
Will I awaken ?

I must believe that something more that cellular attraction holds ME together.
All my memories, experiences, beliefs... loves.

God. I. love. life.

Painful and unpredictable.
Fleeting and fragile.
Magical and mysterious.
Strenuous and challenging.
Fraught with peril yet full of hope.

Life happens anew every morning...
Miraculous...as I open my eyes and catch that first breath of awareness.

Joy.
I am reborn.
I know.
I sense.
I see.
I am.
Awake.