What was...What is... What will be...

Dec 31, 2008

Shutting the day on the year.

If I was to pick a word that sums up the year past it would simply be: Survive

If I was to pick a word for the year to come it would be: Thrive

Nothing about the past can be changed.
It has been written in indelible ink.

Makes you wish you had taken more care with some choices...
Approached some situations with a little more caution...
Not reacted so hastily...
or...
Moved much more swiftly..decisively...
Relaxed your grip a bit...
Breathed more deeply...
Trusted...
or..

Not Trusted.


Survival is not a pretty thing...in the end.
It usually conveys an image of cuts..bruises..bumps...broken bones...
Collisions.
Avalanches.
Shipwrecks.

The survivors are not usually candidates for a beauty pageant.

While survivors maintain a tenuous hold on their life...
Still breathing..heart still pumping...blood coursing through veins...synapses firing...
No one wants to live in survival mode forever...

It is not enough to survive.

The world is full of survivors.
Of war.
Abuse.
Rape.
Accidents.
Theft.
Financial ruin.
Divorce.
Marriage.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Ignorance.

The past cannot be changed.
Surviving only identifies with the past.
What cannot be changed.
What was.

Today..I is.

I am.

What is...

Occurring now..in the moment...the present...is fleeting.

Today...is a series of moments..some already passed...the now...and what is yet to be.

The last day of the year... is reflective for most people in our western culture.

We haul out our measuring sticks and compare/contrast...pontificate..extrapolate...analyze..assess... predict.

We tell our stories..interpret our past...predict our futures...and some will anesthetize
the present with copious amounts of alcohol or their drug of choice...in the yearly ritual of closing the door on the old and opening another on the new.

I for one..although intellectually I know that only a second separates one year from the last...will be glad to symbolically close the door on 2008.

I haven't lived in a war torn country.
Lived through a natural disaster...
OR anything remotely like what millions are suffering around the world.

My measuring stick is not being used against anyone else besides myself this year.

If I am wise...I will acknowledge that what was...is over...what is...is a result of what was...
and what will be...is another realm entirely.

I am not alone.
The one who loves me entirely has not abandoned me to my choices.
He has not left me to wallow in the results.
He rescues.
He saves.
He heals.
He restores.
He goes before and comes in behind.
He uproots.
He prunes.
He waters.
He feeds.
He tends.

He desires more than survival.

He wants me to thrive.
He CAUSES me to thrive.

He is not limited or constrained by time.

It is all swallowed up in him..undefinable.

He is OTHER than.

He makes me...something more...or

He makes me exactly what is...in his mind....

Who I truly am.

More than anything this year...I want to Thrive...
And I know that takes...surrender.

Time is passing... not years...

Moments.
Unrecoverable.

Yet eternity is placed in the hearts of man.

What was.... simply was...

What is.. is fleeting...

What will be....now that is something...to look forward to....

Something to surrender to... trusting the One..who holds it all together.

It is Possible...

It is possible....
for a heart to be full of joy and sorrow at the same time...
It is possible....
For awareness to co-exist with ignorance...
It is possible to look into the face of a child and see innocence..and guilt mirrored in their eyes.
It is possible...
... to have hope intermingled with despair...
Peace at war with chaos...
Patience threatened with anger...
Kindness walking hand in hand with greed.
It is possible for coldness to penetrate warmth...
Light to pierce the dark...
Streams to flood the desert.
It is possible for strangers to be friends...
Friends to be strangers...
Family to be estranged.
It is possible for...
The unlimited to become limited...
The timeless to be constrained by time...
The invisible to become visible...
For the uncreated to become..kill-able...
It is possible for a person to gain the whole world and lose their soul...
It is possible to honor with words and not your heart...
It is possible to give your body to be burned...give all you have to the poor..understand all mysteries..have all knowledge...and STILL not have Love...

It is NOT possible..to love God..and not your brother...

I M P O S S I B L E

Love by its very definition..must flow through...
Forgiveness...in the truest sense must be received into and flow out of ones heart.
Love and forgiveness... cannot be stopped..or stored up...
Grace and Mercy..must flow freely...

It is possible...

With God...

All things are possible...

With

God...

This Is What It Means To Be Loved....

I can't help it.
My eyes well up as my 17 year old son literally spills over with joy as he ends his conversation with a lady from Sobey's who has called after weeks..and offered him a job in the Deli section.

This is a big deal.

A BIG deal.

I am the eldest girl in my family...I have an older brother and three younger siblings.
I have a sister next to me who is four years my junior..and then a brother and then the youngest is another sister who is eight years younger.

Us girls go in four year steps.

I grew up for the first years of my life ( until grade four) in the city and then the suburbs of Halifax.

Then we moved 2.5 hours out of the city to the small community in the country where my mom grew up.

It was an idyllic existence.

I wandered forest trails..walked through brooks..swung on ropes across rivers..walked over the footbridge and down dirt roads to my great grandmother's farm.
I climbed trees and jumped from the rafters in the barn into mounds of hay.
I picked crab apples, strawberries,blackberries,raspberries and raked blueberries...
I swam every day in the summer and skated in the winter under starlit skies...reflected in the black ice of the lake.
I fished, hunter and trapped...snared rabbits for the firemen at my dads fire station.

I excelled in school..passing with honors and was all-star and MVP..in Basketball and Volleyball.

I loved to read. Devouring books like they were air and food and drink.

I was surrounded by family...siblings..aunts, uncles, cousins...grandparents..great-grandparents..

I had a community around me...who grew with me.

I was one of many...

I was unique.

I was different.

I was insecure.

How can that be?

I have been married for almost 20 years now...by the grace of GOD.

My parents are divorced.

As are many of those I love.

I have four sons of my own, with only 5 years separating the oldest from the youngest.

This is just a slice of who I am.

Watching each of my guys grow and develop I marvel at the profound uniqueness of each of them.

...wondering at how each person on the planet has a journey...a road...that they alone walk..as they interpret their surroundings..their relationships..their experiences and become somebody as a result.

It is terrifying some days being a parent.

Intentions never seem to produce the results you anticipate.

My second born son... who got the call from Sobey's today..is one who wears his heart on his sleeve..you never have to wonder what he is thinking. He stands awkwardly..not knowing what to do with his hands..he bites his lips when he tries not to grin to widely..he is passionate..like his mother..he struggles with boundaries and confidence...what is proper etiquette for a young man his age. He is not interested in so many things that his peers are...

He said to me the other day...

" Mom...I am happiest..when I am serving someone!"

He intentionally approaches me every day to tell me he is glad I am his mother...
He asks me how I slept...
He is generous..and a bit obsessive...
He is diligent and thoughtful..
He sees people as needing to know they are appreciated... or just seen...
He loves.

When I was growing up...I faked confidence.. I faked a lot of things.
So many people who I grew up with never knew my awkwardness... my terror...
My need to fit in...or to be invisible...

I used to pray for unconsciousness.. to be unaware...

I figure now..at 41 I am beginning to see...
I takes me a while....

This is what it means to be loved... for someone to see you... and accept into their heart what they see... in spite of what they know or think they know...

My sons know me... I have lived my flawed existence within their viewing.

Humbled.
Broken.
Repentant.
Thankful.

This is what it means.. to be loved...

When one can stand and watch the transformation of another..the birthing of the true person in all its messy glory...and accept the process that makes them...them.

Love does not wait for worthiness.

This is what it means to be loved...

The journey is the making.

The knowing..is the loving. ( and vice-versa)

I am being made...

and yet...in the One who does the making..

I am complete

This is what it means..to be loved...

Be loved..

Beloved.

A Few of My Favourite Things...

Awareness... of the fact that I was designed and called forth with love for a purpose out of the heart of the One who has created all that there is...

Belief...in the saving power of Jesus...the love of the Father and the comforting guidance of the Holy Spirit...

Cocoa...sharp and heady...mixed with hot milk and a drop of mint extract...

Desire...to give and receive love...

Echoes....soaring across the gorge in Kelowna, up where the trestles weave their way through the wild beauty of the mountains...or across the stillness of Lochiel Lake at home in the misty morning dawn...

Fireflies...dancing in the warm breeze of a summer's eve on the shores of the lake back home in Nova Scotia

God...

Hugs...freely given...premeditated and spontaneous!

Indigo...you know..that color on the horizon..that deepens into darkness after sunset....the one that you can't mimic in a paint color..

Joy...found in the midst of pain and loss...and in the brush of my son's hands upon my cheeks...and his nose pressed into my neck...breath warming my skin...

Kisses...

Lilies...because He robes them in splendor...and loves me more... and Laughter...erupting from the belly of a child...or the heart of my Bumpa...

Mom...

Nuthatches...cause they walk upside down and are funny to watch..as are Nieces and Nephews..

Oatmeal...for breakfast on cold winter mornings...( with a dash of cinnamon and loads of demerera brown sugar...

Poppy Seed Cases... fairy castles surrounding my candles in the centerpiece on our coffee table...

Quiet-time

Rainbows..

Shawn...Sunlight...Starlight...Snow...

Tenderness...

Underdogs...

Venti-cinnamon-dolce-latte...

Waterfalls...Cascade Falls outside Mission BC...Bear Creek in Kelowna..Black Brook Falls in Nova Scotia

Xtra Ordinary Friends... which means all of you!

Yellow...

Z... zebra...zenith...Zimbabwe.. Zephyr... it's a great letter... why aren't there more words that start with it?

Beauty....Single Mindedness...

How?

When there is so much to be done...even when I am not doing any of it?

When there are so many who need..even when I am not meeting those needs?

When the voice in my head overwhelms the knowledge of my spirit?

When the knowledge is in no way surpassed by understanding?

There is a difference you know...
...between knowing and understanding.

Today I am a girl wrestling...

Wrestling with herself... her view of herself...

Have you ever been incapacitated?

I have.

There was a period of time ( about 5 years long) when I exhibited major symptons of MS...
The symptoms came on suddenly... one day I was fine the next I was collapsed, on a gurney in an ambulance sucking on laughing gas wondering why my body wouldn't do what it was told.
Over the next 5 years I regularly lost control of either side of my body..I would lose my hearing...my sight..use of my hands and would fall down. I had severe dizzy spells and all manner of complications...was hospitalized, poked, prodded and talked about amongst the specialists.

I am ok now.

I know what it is like to lose freedom.
To not be able to drive...
or run...
or lift my children in my arms...

But recently I have discovered a deeper form of incapacitation residing in my psyche.

They say that the person you talk to most in your life is yourself.

Very rarely do I agree with "them"..but this is one of those times.

I have realized that my mind is incredibly powerful.
And why not?
Look at what the human mind has conceived on the earth.
We are brilliant.
Capable of anything.

If you look carefully enough...

You can see that we are desperate to create life...

But are succeeding at self-annihilation.

My brain surprises me all the time.

IT is VERY self involved..

I do realize that if it wasn't I would be dead.
I am so glad it is doing it's job.

I cried as I fell asleep last night.

I am 41 and I still can cry myself to sleep like a baby.

No one hurt me.
My husband had held me and was kind.
My boys are all affectionate, caring and loving and they honor me daily.
( FYI..they drive me round the bend too)

I cried...over myself.
The girl inside..still incapacitated in so many ways by the lies of self hatred...
self worth...my view of my accomplishments and lack there of..my view of my body...my weaknesses...my failed attempts at consistency.

As I awoke on this frigid,snowy morning...I realized...

Self interpretation is kind of like the pottery vase giving it's own review.
The painting on the wall being it's own art critic.
The gourmet meal doing it's own taste test.

I need to remind myself that it is only the designer who has the final say.

Single mindedness.

Is not self directed.

It is directed towards the one who knows me best.
The one who decided that I was to be.

Towards Him and BY Him.

Renewing my mind is like a daily...moment by moment shower.

Fixing my MIND on HIM..the author and finisher.

I am choosing two words this year to meditate on..stealing one from my friend Paige ...( thanks for the idea..hugs)

Beauty...

and...

Single Mindedness


I will let the author of my life reign over my page...watch Him move in wonder as he reveals himself to me and....
ME to me... ( I really need his perspective!)
Fixing my mind...towards...

Loving him and enjoying him in the moment...today..and tomorrow...

HE makes all things beautiful.

Friend of God...BFF!

The wonder of it all hit me as I gazed into my youngest son's eyes and asked him if he truly knew or wanted to know what it was to be a friend of God.

The question wasn't posed as a judgment.

We had just finished reading Isaiah 9..
"For unto us a child is born..."

It hits me with greater strength and regularity..the older I get...
( there are some perks to aging.. )
We hear all the time about who God is..and isn't...

One thing is certain...
In spite of all you hear now-a-days...
I am NOT God..
And neither are you...

I feel much better for the knowing.
( They..and you know who THEY are...would be creating a coalition for sure if that was the case...
no need for an election...nope...not interested in the position... AT ALL..)

Anyways...I digress... ( as usual...)
I tend to call it babbling...

Moving right along...

I have decided today to be God's very best friend.

BFF...LOL... ROTFL...

Yup.

Me and God...

I mean really...he is much better at it than I am, being Jehovah...I AM...and all..

But it hit me like a ton of bricks that I am a good friend...
Far from perfect... but I am truly BFF material.

Seeing that the eternal part of my make-up..
....the part I had nothing what-so-ever to do with creating..
..was designed by the BEST ever of totally top all time #one chart busting non-human...uncreated perfectly all encompassing mach 10 FRIEND of all time...
Well...the fact that I have that DNA running through my body.. doesn't hurt!

That's just Divine.

Wow.

I wanna be His friend.
Bracelets...beads...tattoo his name on my heart..kind of friend...

He's been mine for a while.

Since before I knew him.

Which is completely..like..OFF THE CHARTS super.

( I could say wicked or sick... but I just can't make myself put those words in a sentence to mean the exact opposite...sigh..I am completely NOT cool!)

Like I said... the older I get the more it blows my mind..which actually concerns me..because I am noticing a steady drain on my mental resources lately...

Mind blowing at 41 can have a disastrous affect on your fine motor skills and short term memory...

Sigh...

The great thing about being friends with God... is that he's not on facebook... ( actually..I haven't checked..maybe he is..so don't quote me on that just yet.)

We are however going walking together today..
We already had coffee... and we are doing this book-club thingy..
I love shopping with him because I don't spend as much money...

I have decided to tell him every day that I like the job he is doing... even if I don't completely understand it...
The way he paints and sculpts and gardens... I can't stop telling him what it does on the inside of me...
He loves it when I tell him.... which just gives me chills.

You know those moments..
When everything goes stiller than still...
When the air stops moving....and everything fades...
I am sure time stops...
And all there is...is the two of us.
And we KNOW...

BFF's ...

As A Man ( woman) Thinks...so is He (Her)

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days.
So much so that my brain hurts.

In these times a thinking person really gets a workout.

Yesterday I was not just thinking..I prayed too.
This is good I think.

We read in proverbs that pounding on a fool does not a stitch of good, cause foolishness cannot be pounded out.

Too bad.

The Bible also says to pray for our leaders..that the hearts of kings are like water in the hands of the Lord.

I sure hope so.

What I sit here and wonder about in my insulated aerie is the fact that:

After all the advancement...the intellectual and technological advancement of the centuries... man's hearts have not changed. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Another proverb goes like this:

If you want to test the purity of Gold and Silver...use fire.
If you want to test a man's character: give him a little fame.

What do I think today?

Well I am trying to release my opinions into the wind here in Calgary.
I am trying to focus on those things which are good, lovely, pure,holy...and of good report.
I don't want to bury my head and scream into the sand... but neither do I believe much in democracy any more. I haven't for a while.

For what it is worth:

I think GOD is BIGGER...
I think He NEVER leaves or forsakes anyone!
I think He has led many a civilization into captivity...
I think He is a good Dad who allows consequences to teach....
I think I can't serve two masters.
I think the Truth will set us free...not facts.
I think I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...
I think PRAYER, mixed with Faith and established in LOVE really works.
I think He works all things together for GOOD...
I think FAITH, HOPE and LOVE abide... but the greatest is LOVE.
I think I need that LOVE.
My city and province need that LOVE.
My country NEEDS that LOVE.

I think...NO..I KNOW...

LOVE bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things,
LOVE NEVER FAILS.

GOD IS LOVE.

Who I am makes a difference...
Today I choose to think... on what I KNOW... that isn't sourced in me...flawed and imperfect.
Not an opinion...or feelings....
Not perception or point of view...
I want my mind renewed again...

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways.... familiar words...

...a timely reminder

God is so OTHER.

I think today...I surrender my thoughts to the only One who KNOWS...
And I ask for his mind..his heart and his light on my path...

Guilt Free...No Additives or Preservatives...

How is it at 41 that I am still driven by guilt every day in some way or another.
The messages my brain receives on an ongoing basis is rather frightening.
It seems as if it's never enough... or too much...on all fronts.

I am not praying enough...
Up early enough...
...drinking enough (water that is!)

Exercising or walking enough...
Sleeping enough...

I am not patient enough...
Calm enough...
Happy enough...
Disciplined enough....

And on the other hand...

I talk too much...
Waste too much time..
Facebook too much...
Watch TV too much...

Have too much computer time...
Work too much...
Eat too much...
Spend too much...
Yell too much....

TOO MUCH..... not enough

I am finding that a lot of what I do.... is guilt motivated and I am wondering if that is why change is not long lasting or consistent....

I am finding what is sufficient...for the day... is not related to me at all...

What is sufficient... ((not TOO MUCH or not enough...))

...is the GRACE of GOD

I am discovering again ( you'd think I'd get it!!) that His mercies are new every morning...
that His Grace is sufficient... for the day...

That understanding is motivation enough.

Like Rob Bell says in Velvet Elvis...

I need to kill my super-what-ever....

I am not super-mom, super-home school mom, super-wife, super friend, super-sister,
super chef.... super daughter... super ANYTHING!

... when I look around at others and compare myself to them and find myself in the state of
too much or not enough...

I am denying the Grace for the day...
I am denying the One who provided the Grace for the day...

As each day passes I realize more and more how I don't have to concern myself with the
REST of My Life...

I need only be concerned with today....

Today...as my grandfather used to say...

I am Sufficiently Sufficed!

Restively Rambling...

November is almost over...
Good grief... there's days I feel like I am hurtling towards oblivion...
And I don't mind a bit!

This hasn't been a good year for news.

I have people all around me diagnosed with terminal cancer.
People I love.
People who are loved by people I love.

And the world economy is swirling round the bowl...

Big things happening...

BIG
things.

Stamps won the Gray Cup....woot woot...
Obama won the White House....
Conservatives...win another minority in Canada...sigh

The wars.......deeper sigh...

Gas prices are down.
Grocery prices way up.

My youngest son got offered all manner of drugs at the local school ground just last week...by kids barely older than he.

Trying to find purchase on the slippery slope of life these days is getting particularly difficult.

Fear is rampant.
Ignorance is bliss.
Everyone is looking for a savior... not for their souls...
But for their STUFF...
We are desperate to preserve our way of life... our entitled...existence.
Now and even far into our perceived futures.

Did you ever wonder what it will really take for us to be driven back into community?
Where neighbors take care of neighbors.
People share...
Burdens and benefits.
We're so busy taking care of business and protecting our right to HAVE what we want and keep what we HAVE...
We're losing it all.

There's lots to think about now-a-days...
Cynicism wars with Hope...
Opinions are at a premium..
Emotions are running high...

Feelings can't be helped...but what I think/believe about what I feel can change how I behave.

Change
How
I
Behave.

It's a start.