Promises...

"We're not changed by the promises we make to God, but by the promises He makes to us."
(Jake Colson)

I guess I needed relief today....
...cause sometimes living with the expectations of performance for love...approval and validation gets old by the time you are in your 40's.


It gets so frustrating to be this far along the journey... and still excavating the bedrock of my belief system...
Actually..I am observing the excavation..my creator is manning the machinery.

It is frustrating and amazing at the same time.
It truly illuminates the otherness of God in the fact that he obviously doesn't see me as a waste of time or effort, and doesn't see my past..my beliefs..my thinking and actions..as an obstacle to his working in my life.

Whereas naturally speaking...demolition at 41 years of age in the North American culture seems such a waste. Remodeling might be acceptable.. a little reno might be in order... a nip/tuck or face-lift...a little Lipo...plastic surgery...add a little here..take away a little there..freeze that expression...
..but razing down to the foundations?

It's soooo not good for promoting the "good christian" walk of faith I have been on since I was a toddler.

"Religion...is man's effort to appease God by his own work."
Jake Colson

I think God loves Tonka Trucks...
He gives every indication that he LOVES excavating my life...and he is not one bit bothered by what he finds...not like I am.
He knows what's there...
He loves me unequivocally.
Even with that knowledge.


How many promises have I made to God.
That I can't keep?
I am not big enough..strong enough...wise enough..pure enough...

I can't even love him....like I want to.

A lifetime of promises sit in ashes around my feet today.

But joy surges inside.... something that cannot be denied.

I Know.
I am.
Beloved.

I know.
He is.
Enough.

I know.
He never.
Leaves me.

I know.
I love.
Because.
He loves.
First.

Joy.

In the dirt.

In the ruins.

We build buildings and call them church.
They're not.
We build lives and call ourselves believers.
As if it's all good.
Believe.
In what?
I live what I believe... and some days it's not pretty...

Oh God.

I am saved.

Only because....

He believes.
In me....in us...in this thing...called life...called love...
In his ability... to make all things new.

I promise.
I fail.

He promises.
He never fails.

He loves.
I accept the love and it flows
...continually through...unhindered..not stored...not hoarded...free...

He promises that he is enough.
He is.

I am breathing.
Today.
It is enough.
Strength for the day.
Mercy for the day.
Manna for the day.

He is big enough for the both of us.

He can mess around in my foundations all he wants.
It's nothing new to him...and as for everyone else looking on...

He has shown me that in him I have:

Nothing to prove: If God be for me..who can be against me?
Nothing to fear: Perfect love casts out all fear.
Nothing to hide: There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed...
Nothing to lose: All I have is you.

Pinkie swear.