|Photo by Bill Mangold|
Life is definitely several sideways steps away from normal in our house.
It has been a year since I have been able to sleep on either left or right side..
Since I refuse to sleep on my belly...because when I do my arms fall asleep, the only other option is my back.
It is a no brainer...no pain.
The body is an amazing machine.
It is very mysterious.
Processes happening at the speed of light.seemingly without a thought.
breathing, heart pumping,synapses firing, fingers typing
sit stand laugh cry hiccup burp....far*
And then whammo...
Something is wrong.
Capital W wrong.
I was scared this week.
My shoulder has been bothering me for over a month.
Then the pain expanded to somewhere deep in the center of my arm.
My lower back gave up its supporting role and is now on fire and shouting at me.
I can't bend to put on my socks..who knew how important that job is.
I now sleep in my socks to solve the morning dressing problem.
I finally muster the will to get to the clinic where a very nice Dr. Lady sends me immediately to X-ray and the lab for blood work.
She is taking this seriously as she questions me about the last time I have a physical...
Ummmm....well...hmmmmmm...so far back I can't remember.
She with the head of gloriously gray hair slants her eyes at me menacingly and gets her point across with no words at all.
Across the road I go to x-ray where my experience with Mother Earth Dr quickly disintegrates into a wrestling match with over-compensating power hungry aggressive dominating psycho x-ray tech man.
He grabbed, shoved, pushed, maneuvered, his hands were everywhere..and more often than not he grabbed my sore shoulder.
I even moaned once.
I asked about a position and he said he would tell me what he wanted me to do and when.
I stared into the distance and concentrated on breathing and being still.
I never met his eyes once after that.
Maybe he had a bad day. I usually have copious amounts of grace for people, realizing that they have lives and situations I am not aware of that contribute to their attitudes and actions.
This time I was not only wrestling with psycho man...but also with VERY BAD THOUGHTS.
At one point, while he was positioning my hand forward I imagined grabbing the sensitive parts just in front of me and squeezing tightly, looking deep into his eyes and saying:
"Person here, injured, in pain..handle with care or else!"
My imaginary actions soothed my soul to some extent.
And then I thought...
I wonder who he went home to last night?
What his life really looks like.
I have it good.
I know it.
The lab tech who took my blood at the crack of dawn this morning was the boss of the clinic..the only white man on the premises.
It is amazing the personal history you get from medical people within a five minute window, sitting in a chair while your blood drains into various tubes.
I am still laughing, albeit carefully as the muscle relaxant has not kicked in quite yet.
People are amazing.
Every one I meet is a living breathing miracle.
Designed. Purposed. Intended.( even psycho x-ray man)
Today I came to the realization that while I frequent the doctors as little as possible...if the world was to succumb to some great cataclysmic event, I would definitely appreciate some pain killers, muscle relaxants and other such medications.
I hate pain.
I have been in pain for quite some time now.
A year and a bit....
The scary part comes at night.
With the lights out and deep breathing sounds filling the silence.
Thoughts of the big "C"
Visions of blood clots moving....migrating...
I find myself having to talk myself down from the ledge...quite frequently lately.
I have found counting my breaths and prayer to be a good combination.
Actually...It becomes a monologue.
I tell God what I want.
A long full life.
To the point.
The world I live in is fraught with peril.
Hiding deep within the planet....or whirling in the wind...carried on crashing waves...
Buried in our cells..in the very marrow of our bones...our blood..
Madness and mayhem breeds...
In the minds of rulers and warlords.
A drunken driver.
An angry parent....husband...child...
A restless, hurting, suicidal teen.
My heart is heavy today.
There is so much to care about.
So much to see.
I want to see.
I don't want a comfortable life.
I need to care.
I need to wake up.
I need to pray.
Today I pray for the crazy xray tech....find God...He knows you.
Blessings upon you and your household.
Strength for today.
Turn to the Lord your maker.
Renew your minds.
God keep our land.
Shake off your slumber.
Use your gifts.
Healing for the nations.
Life is precious.
Today I want to be spent on the purposes of God..
When he spends..he never runs out...
I don't want it.
I want a deliberate life.
Anticipating every breath.
Focused on seeing what God sees.
Doing what he says.
Aware of the minutes and seconds.
...of the lives I bump into....
Of whose I am.
After all....the pain, the blood work..the psycho x-ray techs...
It's really God in whom I live and move and have my very being.
I am in the best place there is.
It is well with my soul.