We are back in business.
Total failure to achieve objectives yesterday.
Complete and utter meltdown.
Ragged around the edges today. A little scared to poke into the shadows.
You know that feeling...when you think you got it all...and then...there it is..dust bunnies...grime behind the tap..soap scum..grease on the ceiling fan...mold in the corners of the window frame...
...ewwww what is THAT????
I know you know what I mean.
It's that feeling you get when you wake up after a loooooog Alberta (insert your above the 39th parallel town) winter and the Spring sunlight is blazing in the windows and you cringe as you realize that you've been living in "this".
How is it that I can be going along...walking the road...seeing the light...and then out of nowhere...
It hurts so bad.
Not the back, although that hurts too...
It's my insides...the deep insides...where I am made...
The place I believe from..the place I live from..
Where I am me.
Having been in an ambulance recently followed by a day in the emergency room...
Having scores of medical personnel poking and prodding and requesting a pain level estimate:
"Mrs.Wenham...on a scale of 1-10...how bad is it now ?"
Well...I realize pain is highly subjective..but what do you think the level would have to be to get me to call an ambulance in the first place ( costing upwards of $300 )...and putting up with needles...and bright lights...horrible hospital garments and let me tell you the bed here is not as comfortable as my memory foam mattress on the living-room floor....
Can you hear me now?
I have better things to do with my time.
I am not an advocate of pain.
I would love to avoid it all together.
This morning early..after the aforementioned meltdown, I made an ugly discovery.
Along with the ugly discovery however, comes a breathtaking miraculous knowledge.
The miracle ...despite it's beauty..and general all over miraculous-ness..has no way of eradicating the pain...
God has unfinished business with me.
The foundations of my house are askew.
The excavation has been scheduled.
Have you ever noticed that never in the history of architecture has a house demo-ed itself?
Never has one designed itself either
Never has a house compared itself to another.
Only the designer compares the house to it's original purpose.... the blueprints.
Yesterday some foundations of thought..and subsequent beliefs..were uncovered deep inside my makings.
The walls were pulled off..the skeleton exposed.... the rot revealed.
OH GOD IT HURTS.
Is that really me?
All this time?
How do you stand it?
How do you stand here with me and gaze with such piercing love at THAT?
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
The only thing holding me together is the knowledge that :
He makes all things beautiful.
The only thing left for me is surrender.
The process....is seemingly endless...matched only by his patience.
He must see something more than I do...
It must be worth it...
Therein lies my hope and trust.
If He has decided.... that I am his...that I am worth the cost.... the effort...
Who am I... clay that I am...to argue?
I am not sure if the way ever gets easier...
The longer I walk..the deeper He goes.
I am Much Afraid on her journey to the High Places...the words of Bitterness echoing in her ears:
"Sooner of later, when he gets you up on the wild places of the mountainshe will put you on some sort of cross and abandon you to it."~ Hannah Hurnard: Hinds Feet on High Places ~
Today the pain has me by the throat.
If it weren't for His mercy... the knowledge of His trustworthiness...
I'd be nothing but ashes in the wind.
His love is better than life.
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,in a dry and weary land where there is no water.I have seen you in the sanctuaryand beheld your power and your glory.Because your love is better than life,my lips will glorify you.I will praise you as long as I live,and in your name I will lift up my hands.~~ Psalm 63:1-4 ~~
Today I am Much Afraid in the Valley of the Shadow.... the Priest is at the altar...
The goal: the rooting out of self-love...
I cry out: Take it!
But like Much Afraid I know the coward lurks within...
" I am afraid that the pain may cause me to resist you.Will you bind me to the altar in some way so I cannot move ?I would not like to be found struggling while the will of my Lord is being done."
I am 43 year old...turning 44 this summer.
I will have been married 22 years on June 17th.
There is no other me on the planet.
The defining parameters of daughter first, sister second, then wife/lover and mother....
All the other relationships...
The landscape of my life..
Designed for one purpose alone... His.
There is no one to compare.~~ Awake My Soul ~~
When Iclose my eyes
I can see Your glory
When I raise my hands
I can touch your face
When I bow my knees
I stand before You
And Christ is formed in me
Awake my soul prepare an entrance for Your glory
And let my heart become a throne for You to dwell
And when I need Your Holy Spirit more than life itself
Then Christ is formed in Me
When I lose myself I reflect Your image
When I break, break my will, then I am whole
When I give, give my all, I find life everlasting.
Then Christ is formed in me
~~ Philips, Craig and Dean ~~
No one to blame.
Nowhere to Hide.
Whom have I but you Lord?
Holy Spirit... whatever it takes... I trust you to take care of business !
This is the air I breathe.... until I breathe no more,