Weeping Endures for the Night

It's dark outside as I lay propped up on a memory foam mattress on my living room floor, supported by pillows.. with a husband , desperate for connection curled up beside me.
The pain woke me again. I can't get comfortable. Tears flow.
My body shakes, twists..adjusts...
There is a desperation. a groaning. a crying out.
Not so much to understand or find relief physically...
But there is another desperation under the surface of the physical.
There is a soul cry.
I am relearning..or possibly even learning for the first time what it means to be a devoted follower of Jesus. What I am stunned to realize in the darkness of this May morning...is how little following I have done in my 43 years.
How little true worship has crossed my lips....or defined my days.
How barren I am in the ways of discipleship.
I am not the bond-slave I purported to be.
God have mercy.
I am beginning to catch a glimpse of what it means to live on the back side of the desert... and find my God..the deliverer.
He is unmistakable.
He is unyielding in his desire for all of me.
He is relentless.
He is right.
Always.
This is the threshing floor.
Ouch.
This is the hall of mirrors.
Uggghhhh.
This is the crucible...the fire..the purification..
I have been contaminated with nominal Christianity...
Believing...without passionate loving....is not believing at all.
Professing without...seeking...turning...following...hungering....pursuing...
leaving...cleaving...surrendering...indentifying...abandoning myself....
Cross-picking-up-following...
That profession is empty...lies.
My hands are manicured...not full of splinters.
I am cultivated not captivated.
Massaged not pierced through.
Culturally tattooed not branded.
My God.
My soul hungers.
It weeps.
My body is broken at the moment.
My soul is more broken.
My back..the support for the rest of me...bulging, slipping...
...out of alignment...inflamed...
My central nervous system..out of whack.
AGONY.
There is no rest. No way to move that comforts. I am exhausted.
My soul is sicker.Infected.
It needs a healer more.
Dawn approaches...the sky is lightening to the east...
It's a new day..reforged..renewed...reborn...
Along with the sun comes mercies new...
My redeemer lives.
My saviour loves.
My God reigns.
Weeping endures for the night but Joy comes with the morning.
He is Joy.
I am His.
Called.Redeemed.Consecrated.
Devoted.Passionate.Committed.
Follower.
Disciple.
Lover.

Today...I have decided to follow Jesus....no turning back.
My cross is close at hand...
Strength for today in ample supply...
Manna to sustain.
The Great Commission already established...
Lord find in me the marks of a disciple...
Let there be no question of whose I am...
Where you lead ...I will follow.