Of Lilies and Sparrows..and Princesses...

 Sarah May made her debut into the world beyond the womb yesterday 

after 24 weeks gestation and an emergency C-section.

She weighs just over 1lb.

She measures as long as my index finger.

She can fit into the hollow of my hand.

Sarah....Princess....

Precious is the gift of her being.

Fluttering like a bird, her heartbeat can be seen 

through her translucent skin.

So fragile.

So miraculous.

The world is changed, irrevocably altered with every breath she breathes.

She takes up space....infinitely larger than she.

She has invaded my heart.

I haven't even laid eyes on her yet.

She doesn't know me.

But she is a part of me.

Her mother, my friend, recovers in isolation.

No visitors aloud.

My heart expands...stretches...transcends distance....breaks and is stronger for the tearing.

She is a woman who lives to love....my neighbor...my friend

I know. 

I've seen her living life.

I've held her.

Laughing.

Crying.

We drink tea.

I make mint-chocolate cheesecake.

She sends over girlie bath stuff.

Sarah May's father received notice on the day of her birth:

 his cancer related surgery date is set.

Not for the first time. Not his first surgery.

He goes under the knife a month after her birth.

Another tear, a rending ...my shattered heart pieces

are in need of the master's touch.

God ...is this what you meant by the fellowship of your suffering?

The pain of love.

I think today of sparrows and lilies.

Of delicate petals and feathered wings.

Of tiny things.

Sustained and clothed in beauty, by the purposeful designer.

....and love....

I think on Love....

Enduring.Love.

Bewildering love.

... of angels given charge.

...of sheltering wings.

Of Peace.

Sleep well Princess...
Grow strong...

You are held.

 Happy Birthday.

Joy Commeth

The cold hurts this morning.
I think it hurts the most in November and February.
November... because I don't want winter to get a grip so tight she won't let go...
..and February because my heart hopes every year for an early Spring.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Sick.
The cold is relentless.
It pinches and leaves a mark.
The last two weeks have left me bruised all over.
The last few months..well...
I hurt.
I am weary.
The effort a typical "Canadian Winter" demands on any given day is staggering.
Have you seen the entryway to my house???
Boots, coats.mismatched mittens and one-of-gloves...scraggling scarves I should have thrown out last year...
Mess mess mess.
Dressing to brave the elements steals a chunk of time from my day that is no longer available for other things.
More important things.
The volume of clothes I put on restrict my movements.
I feel heavier.
This is NOT a good thing!
I sound like a whiner even to my own ears.
I know.
But I do have some excuse..
I have a rare condition that makes the cold even worse.... cold induced urticaria
I bet you never knew that about me.
I huddle in my house for most of the winter dressed in layers of socks and shirts, wrapped in fleece blankets and drinking pots of coffee.
The funny thing is, I can't stand a hot house. I need fresh air.
And so..from October through to May in this beautiful land of winter...this wonderful country called Canada..which I love...my body fights...the battle rages.
There are days when I teeter on the brink of being cold all day long.
I look out at the sun...
I sit in the rays that blaze through the window into my south-facing kitchen..
...and pray for Spring...dream of Summer...
And I grow..and learn and I let winter teach me her lessons.
She is my most diligent, most passionate, most thorough teacher.
She gets the job done.

There is a book I walk past many times a day.
It stands on it's edge, behind some do-dad in it's little cubbyhole on my shelf.
Every time my eyes slide by it I can hear the words inside echo in my head.
I bought my first copy of this book for my mom after my dad divorced her.
Yes. it's one of those books.
The second, I bought for myself.

The illustrations in this book are comprised of dots.
Simple dots make up every picture on every page.
The message is Bold. Captivating. Sharp like a scapel.
There are days when just the title is enough:

" The Tree That Survived The Winter "

by Mary Fahy 

I found my copy of this book at a second hand bookstore for $3.
Priceless.
I love second hand books.
I always think of the hands that held the book before mine.
The person that purchased it...that read it..or gave it away...that hoped it would help...
Are those tear stains?
That corner was folded down...and I know why...
Did they pause here and breathe deep, the sharpness of the knife going deep???
No anesthetic for voluntary surrender.
I pray for them again today..the person who gave up this treasure that sits on my shelf and instructs my soul.
I pray they survived...
...that they reached deep with their roots and high with their branches...
...that they now thrive.. in the sun...

"I survived the winter!" the tree exulted

I have so been there.

"I have survived the winter, " the tree sighed, "and I have grown."

Here too.

And I will be again.

 I have also been here...

~~ But then she stopped. 

For the memory of the hard winter sent through her a stab of anger and pain 

that she thought spring had healed. 

'Where were you when I needed you,' she cried to the sun...didn't you see me shivering?

I became so brittle..my roots became paralyzed..my bark cracked... 

...and I missed you.~~

I am cold again today.

So cold.

And tired.

The fight leaves it's mark on my body and my mind.

I woke with tears threatening...for no apparent reason.

Weeping endures for the night they say..

...well some times I get my days and nights switched around.

But I know....deep in my deepest...deep in that place...

I know ...

~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~

Like the morning.

Like the sun.

Like Spring.

And I am warmed.

Happiest When....

How I love him..my son.....
He stands so tall.
A solid presence looming over me.
Surrounding me...
Guarding, protecting....
Nurturing.
His heart so tender.
Hopeful..
Always hopeful.
Reassuring  and earnest...so earnest...it sometimes hurts to gaze into his eyes..
Was I ever that earnest???




Determined to the bedrock of his soul to be surrendered to his maker.
He wants to love unhindered...
Unfettered by his insecurities... his weaknesses and perceived flaws.
His inabilities.

It was a struggle bringing him into the world one year and five days after his brother.
Laughing gas doesn't work...for what they intended that is... but it was novel...
I passed out afterward from blood loss...
But there he was, the son whose name we couldn't remember..

WE.COULDN'T.REMEMBER.HIS.NAME.

The name we labored over for the entire pregnancy was erased from our memories as if it never was.
Both of us.
What are the odds?
There he was in our arms.
Our big boy.
Chock full of all the man he was to become...wrapped in 8.5 lbs of miracle.
Our Luke.
His name fell like rain around us in the room...
Like a  rainbow..simply appearing in our hearts and minds.
All those colors.
Dependent on the sun.
Making us lift our eyes upwards...
Luke...
A medic to the world.
I look today and see the man who was there with us from the beginning, wrapped up in a tiny package.
The conceptualized, designed, worked, miracle....that has unfurled like a fern before my very eyes.
How could we know ?
How could we even begin to comprehend?
There he is.
My son.

...for his smile
...for his wonder
...for his heart
...his steadfast determination
...stubborn, tenacious quest for wisdom
...his quiet surrender
...his hugs
...sense of the miraculous in everything
...for how he sees and marvels..and shares...
...his graciousness in the face of rejection..
...his compassion
...his capacity to forgive in the face of mockery and ridicule...
...his laughter...full and free...

I remember the day he turned to me and said...

" Mom, I am happiest...I am most myself... when I am serving others."

It's who you are..whenever you do whatever it is that you do.

He was so young.
A life poured out.
A steady stream.
An offering.

He compels me to worship his creator.

...for his generous soul
...his patience
...his seeking
...his joy in the simplest things
...his quiet satisfaction
...his serenity, contentment
...his acceptance
...his forbearance
...his strength

...his love
...his life

Luke.

A gift for us.
A gift from God, through us... to the world.

Like a prism he reflects the light in a thousand different ways.

And we are blessed.

Most abundantly.


http://www.aholyexperience.com/

To Have..To Hold...

As he waves the cup of coffee beneath my nose I realize he heard me stirring and worked with a heart full of love to get it to me at just the right time.
The front door opens and closes as he steps into the dawn to warm up the car in -24 degrees of winter.
He comes back in on a draft of frigid air, leaning close, chilled lips kissing a slice of my cheek where it lies exposed... while the rest of me burrows deep.


The day, a step away from beginning for me..has been well on its way for him.

There he goes, walking out our bedroom door singing a home-made ditty as he navigates the stairs in the soft morning light.... "daylight, daylight... when I go out the door and come home at night..daylight..daylight." I hear a soft chuckle, I see his grin in my sleepy minds eye.

His joy in the increasing light as Winter slowly gives way to the encroaching... deliberate... unstoppable advance of Spring.
His joy reminding me of his toil, his discipline, his relentless pursuit of an income that feeds, shelters and wraps me in warm comforters and steaming cups of coffee.
The door slams. I hear steps and the sound of our ancient VW driving down the snow laden street fade into silence.
One of his sons peeks  around my door and says good morning..asking how I slept before disappearing into the nether regions of the awakening house.
I step from my warm cocoon and settle at my desk noticing that he has turned on my computer for me.
I log in and smile.
His youngest son arrives announcing he's hungry then disappears in the direction of the kitchen.
Minutes later he races up the stairs, plate in hand delivering poached eggs on whole wheat toast with a side of lightly seared ham...cracked pepper decorating the top just the way I like it.
 His eldest at home heads for the basement to start his day with a workout.
They gather in an hour..his sons...on our bed...our marriage bed...as I read aloud Extreme Devotion followed by the next chapter in Hind's Feet on High Places.
The Martyrs break their hearts and settle their convictions.
"The only sadness is not being fully given to Jesus."
His sons say that's what they want to be...fully given....His sons....
Much Afraid's journey has them laughing one minute, nodding solemnly the next. Cheering at the defeat of her enemies, shaking their heads at her fearful summations...all agreeing: we are just like her !
Comments fly at the marvelous beauty and fierceness of the Shepherd...at the same time declaring that they too want to bear the cost..and accept with joy his will.
"He will do it mom..he will make us his, he will take us through and set our feet on high places."...they say with fire in their eyes...
His sons...they fill my heart....
It is a long, long, perilous road that must be traveled in the making of a man.
This man who wakes...leaves, returns..and does it again.
He is God's gift.
Priceless and mysterious. Infuriating and complex. Known and yet unknown.
His being here in the midst of my life ...my heart has to grow to contain him.
Worthy of honor and respect is he..this man of mine.
Glad am I, so glad, he shares the road with me, growing and learning and expanding..
Paths full of suffering, sorrow, joy...moments full of the miraculous... these I share with him.
Blessed am I that he exists within the range of my view...the sound of my voice...the reach of my shaking hands...the touch of my lips...the breath in my mouth...the beat of my heart as he holds me close.
He comes through the door while it is still light, lays aside the trapping of his trade and seeks me out.
He reaches for me, nuzzles my neck with his scruffy cheek and whispers (loud enough for his sons to hear if they were near) that he loves me ...me...that I am beautiful...that all he wants to do is carry me off...forget about supper....whispers things that still make me blush after 22 years.
His flaws, that seem so large at times, the ones that my petty judgments feed and nurture in selfish oblivion, magnified in my lonely dark hours of the soul, fade away the more I remember, memorize and grab hold of the treasure that he truly is.
He is mine.
Gifted to me in spite of myself.
Beloved.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Beyond Compare ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, 
they are not wise."

 2 Cor. 10:12 

I am beyond compare.

I wish I'd remember that :

...on the day I get off the phone with someone...
...sure I'm doing it all wrong...

...on the days I look in the mirror and see...ugly.

...then there are the days I close my eyes...
and all  I see is a failure to complete...

But truly...

I am beyond compare.

I am Beautiful.

I am Wonderful.

I am Captivating.

I am Vibrant.

I am Passionate.

I am Strong.
I am Creative.

I am Joyous.

I am Fierce.
I am Intelligent.

I am Delightful.

I am Beloved.

There are no--ER's added to the end of those adjectives.

no.... more.... than..

better than...

less than...

more likely to..

less likely....to

be...

I just ....

AM.

Because...

HE knows me. 

HE began me. 

HE fashioned me.

HE is good.

HE is trustworthy.

HE finishes.

What HE starts.

I . Am. Beyond. Compare.

I. B.e.l.i.e.v.e.

Do you???

Satisfied

" When we turn our back on the breathtaking beauty of God, 

we cast a shadow on the earth and fall in love with it.

But it does not satisfy."

John Piper in The Dangerous Duty of Delight

When I look around at my life.

When I poke into it's framework...it's weave....it's substance.

I find a dissatisfaction.

The days pass and the uneasiness grows.

The years pass and looking back I see the trend.

Don't get me wrong... I am happy...I have joyful times... 

..laughter mixed with tears...

success mixed in with failure...

I have believed in God my whole life.

I can't remember a time of not knowing.

This is a blessing.

But something is stirring.

A restlessness...

An awakening urge...

To look closely: to examine the extent of my belief..

How am I living?

What captivates my attention ?

What is the source of my joy ?

The cause of my discomfort ?

I have started to look at my days.

I know that it is those days that define me.

They tell the story of my allegiance.

My life is a book. 

Seen and read of by all men.

So the scriptures say.

I need to stop and read it.

My story.

I need to turn the pages.

I need to examine it closely:

What is the plot?

Where is the action happening ?

Who is the object of my passion?

What is the theme?

Why has it ended up here?

I think it needs some editing as it moves forward.

In some ways like Piper says:
I have mistaken the echo for the Original SHOUT.

The fragrance for the flower.

The picture for the experience.
The reflection for the real thing.

The copy for the original.

In many ways I have fallen in love with my own shadow.

My own reflection.My own reputation.

 No wonder I am unsatisfied. 

 " The steadfast love of the Lord is better than life."

Psalm 63:3

I was talking with a friend last night about this very thing.

I was trying to come to grip with the fact that my days mirror my loves.

If I want my life transformed I need to surrender those minutes, those hours that become my days.

"You made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace till they rest in you."

St. Augustine

I don't need to add to my days: I need to exchange.

I do have the time for prayer.

For meditation. 

For scripture.

For worship.

I just need to offer up something else.

Make a trade.

What needs to be replaced ?

Where does the time go?

TV.

Facebook.

Twitter.

Blog.

Texting.

Shopping.

Surfing.

Searching...searching..searching...

Count the minutes.

Add up the hours.

They are there.

I have plenty of time for face-to-face.
Yes.I.Do.

I want the light.

The flower.

The song.

The original.

The author.

I want LIFE....

 He is the life.

I want TRUTH.

He is truth.

I want LOVE.

He is love.

"God has put eternity in man's minds and filled the human heart with longing. But we know not what we long for until we see the breathtaking God. This is the cause of universal restlessness."

John Piper

When my stomach growls it has my full attention.

Food becomes my primary concern.

Satisfy the hunger.

Eat. Be filled.

My spirit is hungry.

My soul craves.

Nothing else will do.

I must turn and face him.

Fix my gaze.

Be captivated.

I will delight in him.

He will satisfy me.

Him alone.

Lessons From a Wildflower

"Nothing my Father and I have ever made is wasted...and the little wildflowers have a wonderful lesson to teach. They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them. Just as though they sang a joyous  little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not  loved in return. "

The Shepherd in Hinds' Feet on High Places to Much Afraid

We live in a world full of blog stats and followers.

Full of critics and reviews.

Expert Opinions and Judges Panels.

Therapists and Self-help Gurus

Talk Shows and "Reality" TV.

It's gotten complicated.

Life

Sooooo complicated.

It seems that there is more wrong with us than ever before.

More diagnosis.

We're sicker.

More medication.

We're addicted.

More information.

We're smarter.

More Fear.

We're more helpless than ever.

It's falling apart.

We're falling apart.

Love is what keeps us together.

That is what the song says isn't it?

So why aren't we loving?

Today I am taking a lesson from a wildflower.

 Grow....

...in the light.

Bloom....

..where you're planted....

Be....

....what you were made to be.

~ Love~

simply

love

I Don't Want to Be a Firework ( Sorry Katie)

I don't.
I really don't.

My first fireworks experience occurred on the waterfront in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
I was 20.
I was born in that beautiful city but was raised, for the most part, 2.5 hours away in the country.
Country girl moves to the big city.
I was a bit underexposed to fireworks.
They took my breath away.
I  "oooohed" and  "ahhhhhed" with the best of them.
I braved the crowds, the traffic, the crush of bodies jammed onto the pier.
I eagerly awaited the first flash of light...and I was not disappointed.

WOW.

I mean really.
Spectacular.
It wasn't Disney World or anything...
But ....
Seriously...

W.O.W

Two decades later and the song hitting the top of the charts and making a big splash at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is "Firework" by Katie Perry.

It's catchy.
Sounds positive.
Self affirming.
I guess.

But really... beneath all the glitz and hype...

Who wants to flash across the sky?

A burst of light, color and sound and then what?
Gone.
Nothing.
Ashes drifting on the wind.
The smell of sulfur.

Sounds sexy and appealing...
But underneath it lacks substance...
No long term impact.
All about me.
Proving my worth.
Showing "them".
But really all it is...is...
Here for a moment.
Gone and forgotten.

The bible says for us to :

"Let your light so shine before men that they might see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven."

Matthew 5:16

I want a sustained light.
Constant.
One that burns and remains burning.
Lit from within..
Ignited by love.
Fed by constant communion with the Light of the World.

An oil lamp.
Steadily illuminating the dark.
I am NOT the source of my own light.
As I renew my strength in the presence of God I draw from a steady supply of oil.

Crowds don't come to see my lamp burning.
There are no traffic jams.
No talk-shows.
No thousands of people tweeting about me.
Following my blog.
No high level interviews.
I haven't made a big splash.
I'm not sure I've proved anything to anyone.

It's ok.
I'm just shining.
Letting the light shine.
Who it falls on and who it lights the way for...
That's not my business.
Shining..
thats what I do..because I love the light.
It's all about Him.

So...shine today.
Simply.
Constantly.
Happily.
Peacefully.
Hopefully.
Enduringly.
Lovingly.
Faithfully.

~~ Shine~~

The Little Things...are not so little

Coffee delivered to my hand every morning.
Breakfast served with a smile.
Heating bag warmed in the microwave laid across my neck.
Fleecy blankets fetched.
"How did you sleep mom?"
"Can we do devotions mom?"
"Read one more mom."
Prayer.
Repentance.
Growth.
" Would you like me to run a bath for you?"
Hugs.
" Mom ~ you look good in that colour."
" I love your hair."
Kisses on the cheek.
Arms wrapped around me from behind.
Doors opened.
Arms offered for support while walking.
Hands held.
Hearts offered.
Trust.
"You are beautiful !"
"Dad is so lucky."
"It's ok mom, we forgive you."
" Will you pray for me ?"
 "Can I help you with that?"
Laughter.
Tears.
Failure.
Hope.
Seconds
Minutes.
Hours.
Days.
Years.

~~~ Life ~~~

It's a BIG deal.

Convenient

"Something I see again and again is a desire to do the most convenient thing ~  to find a nutritional solution that involves as little effort as possible with as little change in beliefs too."

 Ian Marber ( The Food Doctor) in his book Super Eating

I was reading this book aloud to my youngest son (15) this morning.

As I read the above statement I was struck with how that specific truth was applicable in almost every area of my life.

You see it on the show What Not To Wear.... in the area of fashion and make-up.

Most everyone on the show wants quick, comfortable, easy, convenient...

...but expect results that only time, effort and attention to detail can provide.

You see it on X-Weighted, The Biggest Loser and others....

What's convenient...can kill you.

You see it on the emotional front when we are grabbing minutes and seconds ..maybe not even those..to get healthy...

...but fail to take the necessary time and thoughtful approach to the areas weakened by time and neglect.

And our marriages fail.

Our families disintegrate.

And we medicate.

And society crumbles.

How convenient.

In the nutritional aspect of our lives..well...Marber put it perfectly...

We want maximum results from little effort...and for goodness sakes don't challenge my beliefs!

And I gaze at the scale in disbelief.. or tug at my clothes as they start feeling tight.

I huff and puff going up the stairs.

My bad.

Have you ever thought of how much more convenient life is now than it used to be?

With internet, cell phones, vehicles, self-check-out, online shopping... the list goes on and on...

and on....

What do we do with all that extra time ?

All that convenience?

We add more.

Instead of deepening what we have.

Enriching what we value.

Protecting what is right and true.

Healing...

Resting...

Being...

We even have Convenience Stores....

How convenient is that?

Well now..onto the spirtual front...

Ouch..

Can you see where this is heading?

I have my hands over my eyes!

Seriously... I do...

I am flinching on the inside.

My teeth are clenched.

How convenient is this... my 5 minutes with God....(more or less)

...out of my 16 hour day.

I stand amazed at his mercy.

How gracious he is to one who calls them-self:  " One of His."

We demand such performance in education from our children...from ourselves

....reading, writing, arithmetic...sciences, humanities...the list goes on...

Hours of study...

So we can...

What?

Live well?

Be happy?

Be successful?

How convenient.

I woke up early today to spend time reading my bible.

When I was done and I had prayed and turned to do something else, I was struck with the notion that devotions weren't enough.

What a notion to be struck with!

At 6:30 am too!

IT'S. NOT.ENOUGH. 

It's really not.

What I needed was to BE devoted.

To maintain an awareness at all time ...of who I belonged to... and what that means....

..how it looks...how it's lived....

A life devoted to God is NOT convenient.

It means letting other things go.

It involves...

Thought.

Effort.

Sacrifice.

Humility.

Time.

Pressure.

Effort.

Perseverance.

Suffering.

Discipline.

Intention

How inconvenient !

Where does that fit in my : "Well Planned Day" ??????

Today I have decided that I don't want a convenient life.

I want my beliefs challenged.

How about you?

Here Comes the Light....

There is a day that comes every year.
A day where my heart leaps...
My breath catches ...
and a huge grin..
I mean HUGE...
H.U.G.E..
I am talking GINORMOUS people...
... stretches from ear to ear across my face.

I cannot contain it.

The funny thing is...that this day just randomly comes.
I can't predict when it will happen..it just does.

It happened to arrive this year on February 1st, 2011.
I became aware of it's arrival at supper time.
I was seating myself, preparing to dive into supper..
We were having Shepherd's Pie...Yum!
Then it happened...
...everything went still as I gazed out the window...
Honestly...
I think I stopped breathing for a minute.
My chair flew out and I rushed to the window to make sure of what I was seeing...
COULD IT BE TRUE?
YEs!
yes...YeS...yEs...Y.E.S....
( hApPy DaNcE inserted here! )

IT WAS STILL DAYLIGHT AS WE WERE SITTING DOWN TO SUPPER !

 It happens every year..
The day arrives that gives me strength to endure the possibility of three ( or 4) more months of snow..
(I do live in Alberta people)
It might not be a warm day...it might be snowing like mad...we could be at -40 with a windchill too low to comprehend..
All of that doesn't matter...

The Light has returned !
Every day dawn breaks earlier and sunset arrives a little later....
It actually feels like a war has been won.
Like the dawn physically pushes pack the night....
Like the light of day resists the coming night....and throws its many colors against the sky in defiance.
This is why I love the coming Spring...in all it's messy-ness..and temper tantrums..

It is the return of the Light.

There is debris all around and the winter storms have not been kind...
The landscape is scarred and battered.

But nothing compares to the Light.

Light wins.

...and it brings with it...

Joy.
Hope.
Anticipation.
Renewal.
Life...

I made it through.

Look carefully at the horizon today....
Wait for it...
Let the dawn break upon you and wash away the dregs of darkness...

Shout into its beauty with hope and faith...

It's a new day..
... a new season coming...

Here comes the Light!

The Absolute Limit

"Nothing can happen in you until you have come to your absolute limit."

~~The Shining Face ~~ by Harold Myra

I know this to be true.
All change demands a spirit of surrender.
An acquiescing
A change of mind
..of attitude...
A humbling...

The statement " I am humiliated" can only be true if the mind and heart accept the position.
It is something one allows.
You permit it...
You agree...
Your choices brought you down...
Low...

Humility.
Not a pretty word.
Not associated with power and presence
Success or ambition.
Not even necessarily associated with truth.
It speaks of nakedness, exposure, revelation....
Vulnerability
Need
Surrender
Acceptance

The bible says that :

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
                     James 4:6

James goes on to say in verse 10:

" Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up."

I have come to realize that quite a few of the obstacles in my path are a result of my pride and arrogance.

Have you ever noticed how it seems that the simplest among us are content and full of joy , while the the most successful people at the top are the most manic..the most medicated?

Jesus himself was meek and lowly...
Meek
Lowly
 That's not great PR...who was his handler ?
His agent?

What are the little rebellions of your heart today ?
The ones that prop you up and feed your view of yourself?
The ones that maintain your public persona in a world of email, Facebook and twitter.
In a world where life is perceived at the rate of 70 characters in a feed line.
Or a status update.

We all have them. These masks we wear.
Our successes we gather around us like Oscars on the mantle.
The keys to our perceptions....the mirrors we use to reflect our image...
Today I am committed to gathering together my little rebellions: my vanities, my need for approval...

Again I find myself at the limit.
The very faithfulness of God brings me patiently here, again and again...
At the edge of the fire,
...to the shoreline at high tide...
...to the precipice...
Today I cast my rebellions again into the hurricane of his love...
...into the flame of his righteousness...
...into the depths of his mercy...
I humble myself.
He lifts me up.

I am transformed.
I have reached the absolute limit of myself again...
...and He is there.

Small Wonder(s)

It's not often that I am rendered speechless.
Or should I say..I am not often rendered speechless for long...
There is a difference between those two realities.
I find myself daily gasping at some splendor....
Some breathtaking reality..that leaves me shaking my head but still reaching for a way to express the sheer magnitude of the impact on my soul.
I know that there is a saying:: "Better felt than telt."
But the small child in me...
...the little girl who still lurks and sneaks through the corridors of my mind....exuberantly wants to share and pass on all the wonder of the moment.
When you are a child and you love...you show it.
When you are happy...everyone knows it.

You reach out to hug..to kiss...you are infectious..viral with your sense of wonder and delight in just about everything.
People around you come to a standstill at the sound of your belly laugh...
They chuckle when you chuckle...
They grin when you grin....
And in response...you grin some more!
I am finding at 43 years of age ..that I am retracing my steps...
Some would say regressing..
I say: progressing.

The one who knows us best..who knows what's best said:

" Unless you become like a little child...you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:3

Have you ever just stopped and looked someone in the face and gazed in sheer wonder at the eternal soul standing there in front of you?
When is the last time you allowed yourself to celebrate the one person within the reach of your touch...
Have you paused recently and been content to just be with those you profess to love...
Is your sense of wonder viral...
Are you contagious...
Do they know ?

My son is growing herbs in our south facing window in the kitchen.
The temperature is in the -30's to -40's but the sun beats in the windows and we make the most of it.
We all waited with bated breath for the seeds to sprout.
Those first glimpses of green...
We laughed...
The second leaf appearing...
We gathered around...
Each day..something new..
Children notice things...
They are in the moment...fully present...
My gardening son is 19.
He has NEVER lost his sense of wonder.

May you find something that captivates you today...and share it...

a smooth stone...
a burning candle...
bunny tracks in the snow...
a beam of sunlight on the living room carpet...
static electricity....

May you regain your sense of awe...
..anticipation...
May you look for the unexpected...
May you see like a little child the beauty right in front of you....
May the people around you....
those wondrously beautiful eternal souls.... have your full attention...
May the Kingdom of God invade your soul....
 ...with it's small wonders....