Satisfied

" When we turn our back on the breathtaking beauty of God, 

we cast a shadow on the earth and fall in love with it.

But it does not satisfy."

John Piper in The Dangerous Duty of Delight

When I look around at my life.

When I poke into it's framework...it's weave....it's substance.

I find a dissatisfaction.

The days pass and the uneasiness grows.

The years pass and looking back I see the trend.

Don't get me wrong... I am happy...I have joyful times... 

..laughter mixed with tears...

success mixed in with failure...

I have believed in God my whole life.

I can't remember a time of not knowing.

This is a blessing.

But something is stirring.

A restlessness...

An awakening urge...

To look closely: to examine the extent of my belief..

How am I living?

What captivates my attention ?

What is the source of my joy ?

The cause of my discomfort ?

I have started to look at my days.

I know that it is those days that define me.

They tell the story of my allegiance.

My life is a book. 

Seen and read of by all men.

So the scriptures say.

I need to stop and read it.

My story.

I need to turn the pages.

I need to examine it closely:

What is the plot?

Where is the action happening ?

Who is the object of my passion?

What is the theme?

Why has it ended up here?

I think it needs some editing as it moves forward.

In some ways like Piper says:
I have mistaken the echo for the Original SHOUT.

The fragrance for the flower.

The picture for the experience.
The reflection for the real thing.

The copy for the original.

In many ways I have fallen in love with my own shadow.

My own reflection.My own reputation.

 No wonder I am unsatisfied. 

 " The steadfast love of the Lord is better than life."

Psalm 63:3

I was talking with a friend last night about this very thing.

I was trying to come to grip with the fact that my days mirror my loves.

If I want my life transformed I need to surrender those minutes, those hours that become my days.

"You made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace till they rest in you."

St. Augustine

I don't need to add to my days: I need to exchange.

I do have the time for prayer.

For meditation. 

For scripture.

For worship.

I just need to offer up something else.

Make a trade.

What needs to be replaced ?

Where does the time go?

TV.

Facebook.

Twitter.

Blog.

Texting.

Shopping.

Surfing.

Searching...searching..searching...

Count the minutes.

Add up the hours.

They are there.

I have plenty of time for face-to-face.
Yes.I.Do.

I want the light.

The flower.

The song.

The original.

The author.

I want LIFE....

 He is the life.

I want TRUTH.

He is truth.

I want LOVE.

He is love.

"God has put eternity in man's minds and filled the human heart with longing. But we know not what we long for until we see the breathtaking God. This is the cause of universal restlessness."

John Piper

When my stomach growls it has my full attention.

Food becomes my primary concern.

Satisfy the hunger.

Eat. Be filled.

My spirit is hungry.

My soul craves.

Nothing else will do.

I must turn and face him.

Fix my gaze.

Be captivated.

I will delight in him.

He will satisfy me.

Him alone.

Happiness.....

" The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who seeks happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts, and multiply the griefs which he seeks to remove. The trouble often is, we are too selfish, to unyielding in our arrangements for life's best good. Because we cannot find happiness in our own way we will not accept it in its appointed way, and so make ourselves miserable. Some excellent people are very unhappy from a kind of stubborn adherence to their settled convictions of just what they must have and what they must do to be happy. They lose sight of the fact that GOD rules above them, partly at least, beyond their control. They have not determined to accept life cheerfully in whatever form it may come."
~S.C. Ferguson and E.A. Allen

Ok...
If I stopped there it would be enough, but those of you who know me...well....
I must process ....

Out loud...online...

that's just who I am...

Stuffed in a cubbyhole of my coffee table you will find three books written byBob Shultz. They are devotionals for boys: Boyhood and Beyond, Created For Work and Practical Happiness ( A Young Man's Guide to a Contented Life).

Love the books.

The above quote came from the last one: Practical Happiness.

The title threw me and my cynicism almost prevented me from buying it.
Let's be honest...
Happiness is whimsical at best...and very subjective.

The million dollar question is: What makes me happy? ( that's higher than the usual $100 question I know, and since we're all overspending to try and stimulate the economy, I thought I get some back...it's tax season you know!)

The cliche answer: God makes me happy.

In 1980's vernacular: GAG ME with a spoon!

At this point in my life I don't have time for pointless insincerity.
Or religious BS.

What we would like to be true and what is true are two completely different entities all together.

Take it from me: I KNOW!

As each year passes I marvel at God's patience with me.
Having committed my life to Christ at a vey young age you would think I'd be farther along on the journey...a little bit holier.. a whole lot more mature and way more together.

As I read this quote on happiness to my boys yesterday morning while we were all wrapped up in blankets on the sofa, I was struck again by the tenacity and unfailing constancy of God...in his relentless pursuit of the real me...and the relentless unveiling of himself and his plan for us all.

I have said it before and I say it again: We have our entire lives to learn how to die.

How long have I told God what I need to be happy?
How many lists are running through my mind at any given moment?
How many times have I accused him of witholding?
How many expectations have been unmet?
How many disappointed hopes? Dreams?
How many times have I railed at the silence and demanded that he speak?
How many times have I put MY words in his mouth?
How many times have I taken over the writing of my story?
The interpretation of my circumstances...

Instead of accepting what he has offered..I have held up to him what I believe is being denied.
... and declared that the enemy could not stand in the way.

Who is my enemy?

It depends on perspective sometimes.

"His ways are NOT our ways and his thoughts are NOT our thoughts...."

WILL I EVER LEARN??????

I live in an age, in a country, where I am not likely to be imprisoned for my beliefs...at least not yet.
I have never gone hungry.
Never been without shelter.
Never been thirsty unto death.
I have not been beaten or stripped...or spit upon...or stoned. ( with rocks or otherwise!)
Nor killed. (duh)

I am breathing.
Today.
This is a good thing.

I read somewhere once that the 30's are when you see the consequences of the choices you make in your teens and 20's and the 40's are when you decide what to do with those consequences:

1. Accept responsibility for them and repent and be transformed....walking out your life in grace.
2. Avoid and ignore and pretend it never happened....
3. Carry your wounds... and bitterness on you like a garment and remain crippled and disapointed into middle age, and beyond.

Happiness.

Whom have I but you?

I want to live a contented life.

One where I trust implicitly the one who is emminently trustworthy.

One where I don't focus on what is not happening..what is not delivered..what is not offered.

Where I believe that the goodness of God is unfailing.
Where I surrender my desires.

Where I am truly like the son who was happy to do the will of his father.
...and lived among betrayers, fools, murderers, prostitutes, unbelievers, accusers...
..and... was their friend... and died for that happiness.


Love...bears all things...believes all things...hopes all things...endures all things...
Love NEVER fails...

He will never fail me.
He never has.

....and when all is said and done:
That makes me happy....His way.

It is enough.
It has to be.
There is nothing else.