Here by Default

" Without a vision for the future, 

you will return to your past: 

to your default position."

Cindy Rushton

These words hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I have no idea why I am so adverse to writing down my vision, my dreams, my hopes for the future. I say I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. A spontaneous person. I have come to realize those are just excuses.


Fear.
Plain and simple.
And I shake my head at my confession.
I never thought I was afraid.
That was back then..I'm not that girl any more...am I ?


{{ gulp }}


I was so performance driven in my early years. So driven to succeed, to excel.
Honors student, valedictorian at Bible School. MVP for basketball and volleyball, all-star by grade nine.All those years I was shaking in my boots. Inherently insecure and hiding it well.


I stand here, present day, middle aged, with the latter half of my life staring me in the face.


What will I do?
Who will I be?
My finger is itching, stretching for the "reset"...that "restore to default settings" button is screaming my name.

Don't make plans....don't write it down. Don't put it out there.


What amazes me is that the cowering girl is still there after all these years. And she obviously has trust issues and pride issues. The truth is, it never has been about her and her abilities alone. 
Paul had it right when he spoke to the Corinthian church:

"My speech and my preaching were not 

with persuasive words of human wisdom,

but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power."

1 Corinthians 2:4

The life I live is  supposed to be defined supernaturally not naturally. I must find my calling in the heart of God, then I will have a vision. His vision, one that will not be reliant upon my might or power but one that will be accomplished by His Spirit in me and through me.

His gifts are given freely but the requirement is:

that they be used for His Glory.

USED.
(not buried)


His word does what he sends it to do. He has spoken concerning me. I need to seek out that word, write it down, start walking it out and trust him to fulfill it. 

I need  my default changed from fear to trust. That fear is based on pride. Trust is necessary with forward motion not a stationary position. I am no longer hiding out in my life. Making excuses. Living in my default, with my finger on the reset button.
It's a new day.
 I need to get to work.I need to be about my Father's business.

Draw Me and I Will Run

It's been a rough couple of days.

When there are situations and circumstances that surround 
and seemingly invade what I call my normal, 

I am reminded again that I am dust.

Not in a worthless way...but in a God breathed way.

I remember as I lie on my bed: tears streaming, mind questioning...

body rebelling, that I am I am ordained.: 
The creator purposed. in his heart and mind that I would BE...
and so I am !

All He does is intended for good and yet we stray so far
in our belief about  his character.

Our questions start out like: 

How could God?
Or
Why would he?

and end up with statements like:

"I could never serve a God who...."




The answer is simple:


Because He wrote the book on the whole of existence.
Beginning to end. 


The fact that we have dictionaries full of definitions doesn't give us the perspective of truth.
We live bound by time, and physicality.
And we fear those limits.
Thus we eclipse God himself with our version of reality. 
The moon covering the glory of the sun.
The moon that has no light of it's own but only the power to reflect.
In this season of pain and the limits my inability to work puts on our finances...
I will talk to you of treasure:
Sons serving...and seeking God
Hungry for His truth in a culture that declares truth subjective.
Trusting Him as their mother lies medicated in her bed.
A husband praying...devouring the word : for LOVE not answers.
Holding and blessing and carrying...
Hearts captivated by faithfulness...
A steadfast love that endures forever.
The state of a body does not define Him.
The levels in a bank account are no frame of reference to His provision.

He is ALL in ALL.

The Song of Solomon (Songs)  is fast approaching in my reading schedule:


The words whisper through my mind and take up lodging in my mouth, emerging as a cry...

"Draw me and I will run...."
Song of Songs 1:4

With movement limited by pain, and finances limiting travel :
I am discovering that my heart has no limits.
It surges forward like the tide, like the clouds over the horizon....

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; 
yet they cannot fathom what God has done 
from beginning to end."
Ecclesiastes 3:11

God never changes. 
Never.Ever.

He is ever calling us, ever drawing us, ever desiring us...
to Himself...for Himself....

Today, I step forward...deep calling unto deep....


..and I find myself running....

Have you seen my beloved ?


I you knew him....you'd be running too !

B90days: Surrendering the Throne

Standing on the edge of 1 Chronicles I find myself horrified by the lack of progression in the worship of God from Father to son thus far. I knew it was bad but I don't remember it being this bad. And it's really really bad.


I looked up some things this week as I read. I was curious as to the meaning and cultural history of the High Places of worship left unchallenged by most of the Kings of Israel and Judah..and the consequences of their neglect.

I'll leave it up to you. Look it up. It's fascinating.


One thing I know from my reading and from studying human nature...
We don't like being told : 
"THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY"...or "THERE'S ONLY ONE GOD"
... we would rather have several choices... alternates...options...
We are more comfortable that way.
We feel more in control.


Another thing I found interesting is how a created being who had nothing to do with it's own making has the audacity to tell God...and anyone else within hearing...
How it is and how it's gonna be.
We are more intimidated by each other than God.
Our fear defines our master.
Thus..in all simplicity...we worship ourselves.... how sick is that?


I don't know about you...but seriously..I know me...
My vanity and arrogance in my choices..in light of God and His power.....ummmm...


DUCKING AND RUNNING FOR COVER.


We cannot even make up our own minds... over the simplest of choices...
We can't make our cells function or discipline our eating...
..we can barely decide what to wear on any given day !
We don't decide what our bodies do with the food we eat...the water we drink...
We can't instruct our blood to flow...cancer to die...nerves to repair.
We can kill but we can't bring about life...
..and still we dictate terms...
....and we relegate God...to a status defined by our limited selves...and demand he share space with gods of our own making...gods who permit us to rule...who make us look good...


..thus we Un-make God...strip Him of his un-limitedness and re-define him to conform to our acceptable parameters. Parameters that actually remove Him from the throne and place us in the seat of power.


God serving us.
Imagine that.

God our father.
Relegated. Lower.


Perception is truth they say.
Well, we live that "truth"until we discover it for the lie it is...
...and sometimes even beyond then!


When a child says "I know"... parents look at each other and smile.
As a teenager how often did we say we know how it is and state what we believe with the fiery conviction of youth....only to sheepishly look back and shudder at our capacity for self-delusion.


How often did I reach for what I could not hold.... And forsake what held me?
How often did I strive for "freedom".. and create a prison with my own choices?


Why is the hardest position to maintain ..one of bended knee and submission?


We want to believe in our own power...as if to surrender that belief will cause us to be less...instead of more. We'd actually rather the FEELING of power than to serve the TRUE wielder of Power.


How much of our believing/ trusting in one's limited fractured self... rather than
the One who designed and destined you..is simply the sheer madness and folly of a child ....


Foolishness.


The fool has said is his heart: There is no GOD.

When we say there is No GOD..we mean...higher than ourselves.


We might by speaking or believing in some sort of twisted way..make it so...
As a man thinks..so is he.
But truly in the end... it is not as we decide...it is not as we proclaim....
...no matter how long and hard we yell...

It is how God says it is.
Period.
Unless we echo him...we're wrong....dead wrong.
How can we echo...if we haven't heard the truth and embraced it..welcomed it and lived it?

Jesus is the answer.

God's answer.

He's right.

Always.

Today I would rather surrender the delusion of my throne, and the shaky foundation it rests on...
...for the wonder of worshiping the One truly capable of being on the throne.


As someone who can't even get her back to cooperate today, I think a little humility would not be amiss. In the deepest part of my being I know I am not fit to rule.

But I try...oh how I try!


I do not want to be like the people I am reading about..
They exchanged the TRUTH of GOD for a lie.
That was not a good trade.
THAT WAS NOT A GOOD TRADE !
They should have done their research !

The more I discover about the character of the One True God...the God of the Bible:


The more:


I want everything about my life to be surrendered to my maker.
I want everything I do to point to the only One worthy of my worship.
I want everything I say and do to reflect His character.
I want Him glorified.
I want Him adored.
I want Him known.
I want...whatever he wants...whenever he wants...however he wants to do it!

One way.
His way.


God is true.
He is trustworthy.


...and there-in lies my hope...


My confidence is in Him alone....

Desperate...Hungry...Thirsty

There was a book I read years ago by Dr.Fereydoon Batmanghelidj titled:
" Water: For Health, For Healing, For Life: You're Not Sick,You're Thirsty!"
It was a fantastic read from cover to cover but one significant piece of information stood out from everything else. The ramifications of this truth had strong repercussions on my spiritual walk. Dr.B stated, after long years of research,(and I paraphrase):

The longer you go without drinking the water 

your body needs on a daily basis,

the less you will be able to tell when you are thirsty. 

By the time you are in your 70's, you could be 
dehydrated and dying of thirst  

and still not reach for 

a glass of water on the night stand.

It is possible to lose the sense of being thirsty

...and DIE...

...with the remedy right at your fingertips !

" Blessed are those who hunger and thirst 

after righteousness, for they shall be filled."

~~ Matthew 5:6 ~~

Being a believer is not enough.
The demons believe and tremble:

"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder."

~~ James 2:19 NIV ~~

 I am commanded to Love:

Jesus replied:  

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 

This is the first and greatest commandment. 

And the second is like it: 

‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

All the Law and the Prophets 

hang on these two commandments.”

~~ Matthew 22:37-40 ~~

Consider these If/Then statements:

If I love God...

I will be DESPERATE FOR HIM.

If I truly believe Jesus is the son of God...

I will HUNGER & THIRST FOR HIM.

If I confess Jesus is Lord to the Glory of God the Father.....

I will be LOST WITHOUT HIM.

If I pick up my cross daily and follow Him...

I will LOVE OTHERS, EVERYONE, EVEN MY ENEMIES !

This is the fruit of the Holy Spirit... the testimony of His work within me...

So..the million $$$ question is...

Am I?

Desperate, hungry, thirsty...lost without Him..

a lover of neighbors...of enemies?

Paul  encouraged the church at Philippi saying this:

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, 

but now much more in my absence--

continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,"

for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order 
to fulfill his good purpose.

~~Philippians 2:12 NIV~~

Today...I stand in awe..of the One who made me...and I thirst...

I thirst...for the Living Water...
I drink...and I am satisfied !

B90Days...Summer 2011 Edition

Most of us think of summer as a time to relax, kick off your shoes and throw away the rigid schedule of the school year.(and it is!) The days are longer and hotter, there is no *shhh* "white stuff" on the ground. Working on your tan takes little to no effort at all: just a strolling out to the back deck with an iced coffee or frosty glass of lemonade.Birds are singing, flowers blooming, sun blazing...it's "chill time", but here I am, about to embark on the strenuous challenge of reading the entire bible in 90 days flat. Yikes!

 Starting tomorrow, Monday, July 11, 2001, I will be picking up my bible early in the morning and completing the days reading assignment on my back deck with coffee in hand. I am soooo excited.You can find the challenge described here at Mom's Toolbox.

Forget those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. There are almost 1000 people across the US and Canada and beyond taking up the bible and reading it from cover to cover in just 90 days! ( insert happy dance!)

One of the exciting things about B90Days is that all of us newbies have been assigned mentors who have gone through the challenge successfully before us. These mentors will be reading through AGAIN and encouraging us along the way. Using various social media options like Facebook and twitter ( #B90Days) and even personal emails they will cheer us on, hold our hands and pray with us as we make our way through the Holy Word of God in 90 days.

My friend Shawntele at Rambling With Grace first introduced me to B90Days back in the spring. Listening to her share her experiences and struggles and joyous encounters with God throughout the process truly inspired me to take up the challenge.She is part of the B90Days Spring 2011 Grads.and I am so excited that she is my mentor for this amazing journey.

I have read the bible through many times. I have been falling in love with the word of God again in this season of my life. B90Days is really pushing me to see again from cover to cover the miracle of the entire WORD. I am looking forward to seeing God move and hearing him speak. Sharing with others, online and in community as we go through the Word together will make it all the more meaningful.

So, I stand at the edge, eagerly anticipating the work the Holy Spirit will accomplish as we begin this journey together.The Word was, The Word is, The Word will be...

Jesus the Living Word make yourself real as I walk through the written word... breathe life and establish your kingdom  deep within... 

The Word

The Word was. The Word is. The Word will be.

This is my only hope.

This is Joy.

This is all there is.

From the beginning. For all eternity.

It is the answer.

HE is the answer.

What is the question, you might ask....

What ever question you have....

Any question.

He is what we need.

The word...living....

TRUE.

Complete.

ENOUGH.

ENOUGH

ENOUGH.

Do you believe?

Today?

Will you pick up your bible...

Fall in love with the Word of God?

The written word?

The living word?

Sustenance for your very soul!

Light in the darkness.

Lamp to the path.

Bread for your day.

Here's a little incentive..a little reminder...

A song by Sara Groves called "The Word"

Be blessed today...be refreshed....be renewed in your love of The Word....

Fixing My Eyes...

I am taken over.
After 43 years of walking the planet:
...of simply existing....
breathing, eating, sleeping...running, walking, playing...learning...working...
I can say....I fall asleep and He is there...my last thought.
I wake up surrounded by His presence...a new day because He wills.
This is not a feeling.
Is is a knowing.
What amazes me is the awareness that : There is NOTHING else.
Everything I gaze upon is defined by Him.
Designed.Held.Purposed.Retained.Sustained.
By Him.

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

~~Psalm 73:25-26~~

This life is His pen to paper.
His brush to canvas.
His chisel to stone.
Like the words of the song: This is the air I breathe...your very word: spoken to me.

"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it,

the world, and all who live in it;

for he founded it upon the seas

and established it upon the waters."

~~Psalm 24:1-2 ~~

I stumbled across a blog written by a Father Stephen and found this quote:

I think evil is always small, and that good is infinite. Evil closes itself to God and thus becomes even smaller; Good opens itself to God and thus becomes infinite. Evil cannot become so large as to fill even the universe. God became so small that He could fill Hell and then burst it asunder because it could not contain Him. Every good deed will have eternal remembrance, but even the largest deeds of the evil will be forgotten.

He fills all.

Truth fills all.

Love fills all.

Nothing else remains.

Nothing else is really real.

He is the story.

Good swallows evil.

Life conquers death.

Lately I have felt like a tuning fork..vibrating...resonating...

I fell on the Rock...Christ Jesus...and have been broken wide open...

But the music...the sound ..the beauty of His character..His nature...His ever-present-ness..

Has rocked my world.

It is like the word is ALIVE to me...every word filled with portentous weight.

I have been awakened....when I didn't even know I was asleep.

I am beginning to see what David meant when he penned Psalm 119

Distilled down: He loved God's word/his laws/his commands: more than life itself.

It is like he knew: there is NO life without God's word.

He was fixated.Obsessed.Consumed.

His bones groaned with the knowledge.

The truth: God's words are LIFE.

What God has to say on a minute by minute basis: matters !

MATTERS.

He is the living word.

 So when I fix my eye on Jesus....

When I allow the Holy Spirit to dominate the landscape of my mind, my thoughts, my beliefs and then my actions.... I walk in truth.

All else is a lie.

There is NOTHING...beside Him.

As I am waking up to this truth..It is like I have become a living flame:

Burning.

This is my reason for being: To know him

This knowing is such a gift...a working of His Holy Spirit.

This knowledge changes my living.

It changes everything.

The story....my story....

I am NOT the main character....HE IS.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, 

but on what is unseen.

For what is seen is temporary, 

but what is unseen is eternal."

~~ 2 Corinthians 4:18 ~~

This FIXING of my eyes...has become such an integral truth in my life.

What does it mean ...how can I ...how does this change my days?

 My heart pounds as I write this...I know the truth of this..I have experienced this first hand...

..but I am so humbly aware that it is NOT my doing... it is the work of the Spirit ..

He reveals Jesus...He explains the mystery...HE draws us forth into the light..

But oh... the wonder...the transcendence... of surrender.

I want Him.

Desire.

All Consuming Desire.

I know it...every cell of my body knows it.

This broken body. This feeble mind. This breathing dust bag.

Knows it's maker for what He is: EVERYTHING.

He has FIXED my EYES....so I can FIX my EYES....

And so today I say with Paul:

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart 

may be enlightened 

in order that you may know the hope 

to which he has called you, 

the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints."

~~ Ephesians 1:18 ~~

Jesus....author, finisher...of my faith...

He is my inheritance...

He is everything.

All I see.

Context

What is it about dawn in the spring?
It never fails to make my heart leap. It never gets old.
The sun rises every day of the year but sunrise in the Spring-time is by far one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life...and it happens every year.
I awoke this morning and pain was the dominant ruler of my day...and then the sun came up...
Fingers of light stretching east to west...
Illuminating, caressing the landscape..nourishing...
I think it is all about context...
Like the words of the song..
"Don't it always seem to go: You don't  know know what you've got til it's gone"
Spring always follows winter.
Day always follows night.
Up comes after down...

Sleep always seems like dying to me.
Laying down my body, closing the eyes, drifting off...
Unaware...
Unconscious.
For all intents and purposes...I am not....
Then the awakening...the return...
It's a rebirth.
Today is a new day, yesterday washed away.... dead and gone...
I am like a Phoenix rising from the ashes every day with the sun..
Reborn...remade...refreshed...
Winter was long and hard....
It seems to steal from both ends...
Nipping at Autumn early and driving it out relentlessly, biting and clawing it's way forward.
It lingers and clutches at Springs coat-tails...laughing and taunting that it's not done with me yet.
But it is defeated....always.
Spring comes....ALWAYS.
Winter seems to have no purpose..but to ravage...defeat..destroy...
Don't get me wrong...snow is beautiful...and can provide hours of entertainment and fun.
There is a wonder and magic in the radiance of the white covering that shrouds a dead landscape.
It's stillness...breathlessness...is compelling.
But...Winter produces nothing living.
Nothing is alive save the living and breathing walking though it.
It's hard shell repels...rejects...forbids entry.
Storms rage....temperatures plummet...darkness rules.
It is a predator....it can kill with it's savage beauty.
It is a crucible. A furnace. An altar. A cross. A grave.
Spring....it is a womb..alive...pregnant with purpose...swelling with potential.
Spring pulses. It has a heart beat.

In this northern hemisphere, Spring is all the more magical and captivating in context...
It's battle with the long-fingered grasp of winter makes it all the more wondrous.
I could laugh with sheer joy!
Triumphant.
This season is such a picture of overcoming.
Of life...after death.

My body woke me in agony this morning...
Pain has been the dominant feature on my landscape for a while now, causing me to gasp and drop and shuffle and twist..looking for relief....that seems the sole aim of my existence lately...Relief !

The sun rose this morning.
My heart skipped a beat.
Tears blur my vision.
There is more to my existence than being pain free.
I am more than the pain.
My mind, my thoughts, my heart and soul....they are eternal.
This landscape...this body... can be injured, broken, afflicted....it can fail..and fall.
It can die.
The words  of a hymn we used to sing whispers through my mind...

"But I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded: 

that he is able...to keep that which I've committed ..unto him, against that day. "

My son has opened the window in my living room..
I lie here on my foamy..reclining ...leaning into the pain...pressing in...
The breeze blows fresh...carrying out the stale air and bringing with it birdsong and smells of green grass...
My eyes drift closed...a smile spreads slowly across my face...
Today...set before me is Life...and death...

I choose...Life....
I choose.... no one chooses for me...
I decide...what matters...
Life.
I shout it out!
To my body.
It doesn't matter.
Limits. Restrictions. Pain.
My thoughts. My mind. My attention. My being. My worship.
Directed.
Offered.
Live to die...Die to Live....
It's all about context....
Life wins every time!

I am Blessed....I Will Bless...aint that the Truth !

I lived this last week of my life from a reclined position on a foamy on my living-room floor. I was standing in my kitchen a week ago and suddenly my lower back gave out. I was hit with excruciating pain seconds after my knees crumpled and my body headed for the floor. One of my sons grabbed me and held me upright until my husband arrived to carry me to a place where I could lie down. I have given birth four times but never have I had pain so horrendous that I almost passed out, or screamed. Tears were instantaneous and rivers flowed down my cheeks. My world was suddenly defined by pain. Everything I did for the next couple of days was directly related to preventing further pain. My whole body and mind recoiled and went into defense mode.
A month previous I had ended up in Urgent Care with severe shoulder pain and numbness and shooting pains down my arm. I was diagnosed with a rotator cuff injury and tendonitis and also booked for a neurology appointment in June.  I had had a business trip booked to BC with a ten day visit planned on the end of it. This trip is one I look forward to every year. It includes my favorite places with some of my favorite people on the planet. It is my sanity at the end of a long, hard winter.
In one visit with a doctor and a regime of rest and inactivity, the trip became an impossibility.
Our budget would not cover the air fare ( travel expenses were covered through my work), and my body prevented travel.
Sad.
Heartbreaking.
Depressing.
Why?
That's always the question isn't it?
I needed that trip.
I wanted the relief at the end of winter.
I hungered for the contact with my girls.
My friends.
My family.
The landscape.
The solitude.
Taken.
Stolen.
Prevented.
That's how I felt.
Bewildered.
Tears flooded my eyes this morning as I called my niece in Vancouver...one whom I would be seeing the first of this week if all had gone according to plan. Even now my throat burns and I swallow painfully. I know the feeling of her hugs around my neck. I can see her beautiful freckles and hear her laugh..I remember drawing swirly pictures with her last year..the drawing is still magnetized to my fridge..a silent testimony of hours spent in joyful creativity... my chest hurts worse than my back today.
...but truth comes...because I want it...I long for it...I live for it... and God knows I need it...
Truth blazes through...seeps in...inhabits...even the disappointment...the sense of loss..
Truth doesn't remove it... the pain...it surpasses it.
It becomes more important...than the pain.
Truth is....Truth.
It bends to no man.
This is Truth:
God is good.
He is what I need.
He provides.
Gives.
Bestows.
Blesses.
I need that perspective.
I want it.
I CRAVE it.
His eyes. His view.
...Or accepting my inability to see clearly, blind trust in His perfect nature.
Attributing to Him all glory, honor, dominion and power.
Sometimes I want to understand more than I want Him.
Sometimes I want to know...more than I trust His knowledge.
I want.
I want??
What?
Or...
Who?
Today....I will trust...more than ever.
...the Truth is..that's all there is.
I will surrender my limited reasoning to His unlimited perspective...and proclaim:
I am blessed.
I know I am.
His hands are full when He reaches out to me.
His gifts are perfectly suited, perfectly ordained.
I want to see and accept what He is offering..instead of looking at what isn't...

   I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
  My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
  Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

  I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
  Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
  The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

  Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
  Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
  The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

  Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
  What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
  Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
  Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
  The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
  He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
  Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
  The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

~~ Psalm 34 (ESV)

Today, amidst the tears, and the pain..and disappointment...
I can say: It is WELL with my soul.
I am Blessed. I will Bless.
Bless His Holy Name.

Experiment in Loving....

This is the phrase that keeps bouncing around my head this morning and I must put it down on paper...or at least a computer screen.

Experimental Loving

I was contemplating life this morning.
The raising of sons.
The loving of husbands.
The formation of friendships.... and the keeping of them.
Of strangers.
Of enemies.
Of family.

I realized that life in general is somewhat of an experiment.

Put this with this and you get that.
Do this then that and this happens.
Insert A into B and....
Combine the first two then add the third and presto chango...wow.

I realized, as my coffee quickly cooled, that I spend an inordinate amount of time scrutinizing the ongoing experiments of others.

Well that seems to be working.

Ewww...no...definitely not trying that....

Sheesh..what were they thinking?????

Seriously?????

WHAT.WERE.THEY.THINKING ?

Insane.

Never in a million.

Look where that got them.

Yeah....baby..that's what I'm talking about!

Raising children to adulthood...ummm..talk about an experiment.
Developing friendships...that too!
Getting married....ya think?
Staying married....some would say an exercise in futility!

But today it's not about being a parent.
Or a wife.
Or a sister, daughter or friend

It's about something more.

Much more.

Winter gives me lots of time for introspection.
Some days it can get a little over the edge...
But for the most part...this season of isolation and confinement has a way of cultivating deep thoughts and drives me to deepen and broaden as a human being.
Sooo this idea of "experimental loving" just drifted into my mind as I woke up this morning and rattled around inside my head as I sipped my first coffee of the day...

People.
They are everywhere.
Random lives that dance around, and intersect mine at various points in my days, weeks, months and years.
Some are fleeting contacts.
Others stay for a time.
And there are those who form concentric circles within my own path.
Woven inextricably into the fabric of my world.

I read somewhere recently that life is 10% circumstnces and 90% your reaction to those circumstances.

I believe it.

I live a life of response.

The stimuli are everywhere.

The sun, oxygen, the cold, daylight, darkness, food, drink, ...coffee....blankets, clothing, aromas.
Bacteria, dirt, insects, parasites, disease, viruses.....
Hugs, kisses, touch....
Sights, sounds.....

GOD.

Eveything I do is a response to something.

External.
Internal.

Joy
Sorrow

Laughter
Tears

Flinching
Reaching

Sighing.
Gasping.

Smiling
Frowning.

Grabbing
Pushing.

Sweating.
Shivering

Accepting
Rejecting.


It is said that the circumstances of life, for the most part, are beyond our control.

It is also said that the only person you can change is yourself.

My response.
Is my choice.

Today.
A new day.
Full of situations ...people....events....some not yet set in motion...and some set in motion by days gone by

I decide.

The crazy thing is:
I made one decision long ago that actually determines my responses today.
I decided to follow Jesus.
That one decision limits all my other choices.
The way becomes narrow.
Very narrow.
The paradox is..the more narrow the way..the more free I am.

FREE

My life has become an experiment in loving.

Scary.

Almost like I am no longer my own.

Like a pattern of living has already been laid out.

The pattern cut.

See the way..walk in it.

LOVE.

no.matter.what.

love.

the unlovely.
the user.
the ignorant.
the injured.
the arogant.
the vain.
the lazy.
the self obsessed.
the oblivious.
the husband.
the wife.
the child.
the boss.
the competition.
the parent.
the loser.
the winner
the whiner.

the enemy.


A decision like this is not at all comfortable.

I can rant with the best of you.

I have many...end of my rope moments.

I have many conversations in my head finishing with the words:

" I AM.DONE. "

...but here I am again....

this experiment... the loving one....

I plan on seeing it through....

I might not see the outcome of this experiment in my lifetime.
It might not be well received.
Rejection is assured.
Mockery...inevitable....
Criticism.... a definite possibility.
Pain.
Lots of pain.

Risk vs Reward.

I'll take the risk.
The path has been walked before.
Narrow as it is.
Few find it.
Few.
It's not easy.
This offering.
It's going to cost me my life.
I'm not coming out of this alive.

But I have decided.

To Follow.

There's no turning back from this one.

What an adventure.

Welcome to .." The Experiment ".....

Feel free to join in.

(Let me know how it's going.)

Of Lilies and Sparrows..and Princesses...

 Sarah May made her debut into the world beyond the womb yesterday 

after 24 weeks gestation and an emergency C-section.

She weighs just over 1lb.

She measures as long as my index finger.

She can fit into the hollow of my hand.

Sarah....Princess....

Precious is the gift of her being.

Fluttering like a bird, her heartbeat can be seen 

through her translucent skin.

So fragile.

So miraculous.

The world is changed, irrevocably altered with every breath she breathes.

She takes up space....infinitely larger than she.

She has invaded my heart.

I haven't even laid eyes on her yet.

She doesn't know me.

But she is a part of me.

Her mother, my friend, recovers in isolation.

No visitors aloud.

My heart expands...stretches...transcends distance....breaks and is stronger for the tearing.

She is a woman who lives to love....my neighbor...my friend

I know. 

I've seen her living life.

I've held her.

Laughing.

Crying.

We drink tea.

I make mint-chocolate cheesecake.

She sends over girlie bath stuff.

Sarah May's father received notice on the day of her birth:

 his cancer related surgery date is set.

Not for the first time. Not his first surgery.

He goes under the knife a month after her birth.

Another tear, a rending ...my shattered heart pieces

are in need of the master's touch.

God ...is this what you meant by the fellowship of your suffering?

The pain of love.

I think today of sparrows and lilies.

Of delicate petals and feathered wings.

Of tiny things.

Sustained and clothed in beauty, by the purposeful designer.

....and love....

I think on Love....

Enduring.Love.

Bewildering love.

... of angels given charge.

...of sheltering wings.

Of Peace.

Sleep well Princess...
Grow strong...

You are held.

 Happy Birthday.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Beyond Compare ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, 
they are not wise."

 2 Cor. 10:12 

I am beyond compare.

I wish I'd remember that :

...on the day I get off the phone with someone...
...sure I'm doing it all wrong...

...on the days I look in the mirror and see...ugly.

...then there are the days I close my eyes...
and all  I see is a failure to complete...

But truly...

I am beyond compare.

I am Beautiful.

I am Wonderful.

I am Captivating.

I am Vibrant.

I am Passionate.

I am Strong.
I am Creative.

I am Joyous.

I am Fierce.
I am Intelligent.

I am Delightful.

I am Beloved.

There are no--ER's added to the end of those adjectives.

no.... more.... than..

better than...

less than...

more likely to..

less likely....to

be...

I just ....

AM.

Because...

HE knows me. 

HE began me. 

HE fashioned me.

HE is good.

HE is trustworthy.

HE finishes.

What HE starts.

I . Am. Beyond. Compare.

I. B.e.l.i.e.v.e.

Do you???

Here Comes the Light....

There is a day that comes every year.
A day where my heart leaps...
My breath catches ...
and a huge grin..
I mean HUGE...
H.U.G.E..
I am talking GINORMOUS people...
... stretches from ear to ear across my face.

I cannot contain it.

The funny thing is...that this day just randomly comes.
I can't predict when it will happen..it just does.

It happened to arrive this year on February 1st, 2011.
I became aware of it's arrival at supper time.
I was seating myself, preparing to dive into supper..
We were having Shepherd's Pie...Yum!
Then it happened...
...everything went still as I gazed out the window...
Honestly...
I think I stopped breathing for a minute.
My chair flew out and I rushed to the window to make sure of what I was seeing...
COULD IT BE TRUE?
YEs!
yes...YeS...yEs...Y.E.S....
( hApPy DaNcE inserted here! )

IT WAS STILL DAYLIGHT AS WE WERE SITTING DOWN TO SUPPER !

 It happens every year..
The day arrives that gives me strength to endure the possibility of three ( or 4) more months of snow..
(I do live in Alberta people)
It might not be a warm day...it might be snowing like mad...we could be at -40 with a windchill too low to comprehend..
All of that doesn't matter...

The Light has returned !
Every day dawn breaks earlier and sunset arrives a little later....
It actually feels like a war has been won.
Like the dawn physically pushes pack the night....
Like the light of day resists the coming night....and throws its many colors against the sky in defiance.
This is why I love the coming Spring...in all it's messy-ness..and temper tantrums..

It is the return of the Light.

There is debris all around and the winter storms have not been kind...
The landscape is scarred and battered.

But nothing compares to the Light.

Light wins.

...and it brings with it...

Joy.
Hope.
Anticipation.
Renewal.
Life...

I made it through.

Look carefully at the horizon today....
Wait for it...
Let the dawn break upon you and wash away the dregs of darkness...

Shout into its beauty with hope and faith...

It's a new day..
... a new season coming...

Here comes the Light!

The Absolute Limit

"Nothing can happen in you until you have come to your absolute limit."

~~The Shining Face ~~ by Harold Myra

I know this to be true.
All change demands a spirit of surrender.
An acquiescing
A change of mind
..of attitude...
A humbling...

The statement " I am humiliated" can only be true if the mind and heart accept the position.
It is something one allows.
You permit it...
You agree...
Your choices brought you down...
Low...

Humility.
Not a pretty word.
Not associated with power and presence
Success or ambition.
Not even necessarily associated with truth.
It speaks of nakedness, exposure, revelation....
Vulnerability
Need
Surrender
Acceptance

The bible says that :

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
                     James 4:6

James goes on to say in verse 10:

" Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up."

I have come to realize that quite a few of the obstacles in my path are a result of my pride and arrogance.

Have you ever noticed how it seems that the simplest among us are content and full of joy , while the the most successful people at the top are the most manic..the most medicated?

Jesus himself was meek and lowly...
Meek
Lowly
 That's not great PR...who was his handler ?
His agent?

What are the little rebellions of your heart today ?
The ones that prop you up and feed your view of yourself?
The ones that maintain your public persona in a world of email, Facebook and twitter.
In a world where life is perceived at the rate of 70 characters in a feed line.
Or a status update.

We all have them. These masks we wear.
Our successes we gather around us like Oscars on the mantle.
The keys to our perceptions....the mirrors we use to reflect our image...
Today I am committed to gathering together my little rebellions: my vanities, my need for approval...

Again I find myself at the limit.
The very faithfulness of God brings me patiently here, again and again...
At the edge of the fire,
...to the shoreline at high tide...
...to the precipice...
Today I cast my rebellions again into the hurricane of his love...
...into the flame of his righteousness...
...into the depths of his mercy...
I humble myself.
He lifts me up.

I am transformed.
I have reached the absolute limit of myself again...
...and He is there.

3in30 Goals

I didn't think it would be so hard to come up with goals for the month. My dilemma is narrowing them down. The other dilemma is making sure my goals merge with my priorities: God, family and a healthy body,soul and spirit. I am a typically fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl. I am very spontaneous and passionate. I have ideas running through my head 24/7 and narrowing my focus and not spreading myself too thin is going to be a challenge. I do not have a busy life per se even though I have three sons still at home...we are very low key. My brain however is very busy and needs a personal assistant of its own!


So...after much deliberation and consultation with my gray matter I have set my first goal as :


1. Getting up at a consistent time, reading my bible and journaling: alone time with God. (3 in 1)


My second goal involves family, in that we have gotten into a rut of watching television most evenings: lots of Food Network and other such channels so #2 is:
                                                      
2. Cutting down on evening tv and introducing other family building activities.


Number 3 is tricky because I think it is the most difficult for me. It is personal and I HATE setting it down on paper and giving myself an ultimatum. But that is the point isn't it? So I need to get it set in stone.


3. Write every day. Not just my blog. I need to commit to my WIP ( works in progress) and get to the point of submitting a proposal. 


Now I am scared.Have I mentioned that I HATE putting this down in black and white????


My heart is racing. I have such encouragement and support from family in my life. I know that setting goals and working towards creating habits is good and right. But I am also going to need divine help and intervention. So I commit these goals to God and trust him for strength and the power to see them accomplished: For His glory.