My Life...AKA...all the messy bits

Are you over winter as much as I am ?
I am so far past just plain over it.
Miles beyond simply over it.
Over it...doesn't even begin to touch it.

I
AM
DONE.
LIKE
DINNER

Or if you are me today...dinner kind of crept up on you and you are scrambling...
Pork Loin is sitting on the counter but the rest is still a mystery.
Hubby is due home.
I look like a train wreck.
I feel worse.
I've been wallowing.
My shoulder is in agony.
I have had chronic pain for days now...a strained something or other messing with my already injured rotator cuff....which is seriously interfering with my goal of losing 20lbs in two months because I have my annual trip to see my sister..and some dear friends...in which more self loathing is not at all welcome...
Bathing suit weather is around the corner again..
How shallow am I?
The budget is tighter than ever..
Complaining much?
My clothes feel tight.
Well fed?
My teeth are clenched.
Hello ibuprofen..
My inner mantra of love-thyself because you are really and truly beautiful has long since broken down..and been replaced with...she is so beautiful..if I had those legs...and that dress..sigh..boots..I need those boots...
I can't remember the last time my inner dialogue was positive about my exterior.
Or the last time it was not linked to a comparison with someone else.
Self Obsessed much?
Between winter, self obsession...fear of failure on many fronts and self loathing for my self pity...
I have hives upon hives...
Each of the messy bits of my life has spawned yet another messy bit..
They are multiplying at a rapid rate.
Exponential..
A cascading event...
Crash and burn...inevitable.
Ugggh....I even find myself intolerable.

Life.
All my messy bits.
Like dirty snow.

I know there is world hunger
Wars and rumors of more.
Earthquakes
Floods
Famine
Gas prices rising almost by the second.
Death
Disease
Madness
Mayhem

At the end of this first day of March I have come to the conclusion that...

I AM OVER ME
(Again)
I am so far past just plain over me.
(Once more)
Miles beyond simply over me.
(Once again)
Over me...doesn't even begin to touch it.

.... help me i've fallen and i can't get up....

As a man thinks...so is he (Prov.23)

Idolatry.is.not.ok.
IDOLATRY
sin
Sin
SIN
I need reminding.
I don't have a graven image.
I have a mirror.
A television.
The internet.

Today I find myself singing with Chris Tomlin....in desperation...

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

I need to bow my heart...
I need to bend my knee...
Turn my eyes away from my own reflection....
My dialogue from self worship...(sister to self loathing)
My life....
Offered...
All...the messy bits...
My heart...Purified..Cleansed...
My mind..washed..renewed...
The counterfeit...
Exchanged...
For the real thing...
True Beauty
True Love
Inexplicable Joy
Peace that passes understanding....

A reflection of Him...

Thank God....
Spring is coming....
He makes all things new... especially those messy bits....

Joy Commeth

The cold hurts this morning.
I think it hurts the most in November and February.
November... because I don't want winter to get a grip so tight she won't let go...
..and February because my heart hopes every year for an early Spring.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Sick.
The cold is relentless.
It pinches and leaves a mark.
The last two weeks have left me bruised all over.
The last few months..well...
I hurt.
I am weary.
The effort a typical "Canadian Winter" demands on any given day is staggering.
Have you seen the entryway to my house???
Boots, coats.mismatched mittens and one-of-gloves...scraggling scarves I should have thrown out last year...
Mess mess mess.
Dressing to brave the elements steals a chunk of time from my day that is no longer available for other things.
More important things.
The volume of clothes I put on restrict my movements.
I feel heavier.
This is NOT a good thing!
I sound like a whiner even to my own ears.
I know.
But I do have some excuse..
I have a rare condition that makes the cold even worse.... cold induced urticaria
I bet you never knew that about me.
I huddle in my house for most of the winter dressed in layers of socks and shirts, wrapped in fleece blankets and drinking pots of coffee.
The funny thing is, I can't stand a hot house. I need fresh air.
And so..from October through to May in this beautiful land of winter...this wonderful country called Canada..which I love...my body fights...the battle rages.
There are days when I teeter on the brink of being cold all day long.
I look out at the sun...
I sit in the rays that blaze through the window into my south-facing kitchen..
...and pray for Spring...dream of Summer...
And I grow..and learn and I let winter teach me her lessons.
She is my most diligent, most passionate, most thorough teacher.
She gets the job done.

There is a book I walk past many times a day.
It stands on it's edge, behind some do-dad in it's little cubbyhole on my shelf.
Every time my eyes slide by it I can hear the words inside echo in my head.
I bought my first copy of this book for my mom after my dad divorced her.
Yes. it's one of those books.
The second, I bought for myself.

The illustrations in this book are comprised of dots.
Simple dots make up every picture on every page.
The message is Bold. Captivating. Sharp like a scapel.
There are days when just the title is enough:

" The Tree That Survived The Winter "

by Mary Fahy 

I found my copy of this book at a second hand bookstore for $3.
Priceless.
I love second hand books.
I always think of the hands that held the book before mine.
The person that purchased it...that read it..or gave it away...that hoped it would help...
Are those tear stains?
That corner was folded down...and I know why...
Did they pause here and breathe deep, the sharpness of the knife going deep???
No anesthetic for voluntary surrender.
I pray for them again today..the person who gave up this treasure that sits on my shelf and instructs my soul.
I pray they survived...
...that they reached deep with their roots and high with their branches...
...that they now thrive.. in the sun...

"I survived the winter!" the tree exulted

I have so been there.

"I have survived the winter, " the tree sighed, "and I have grown."

Here too.

And I will be again.

 I have also been here...

~~ But then she stopped. 

For the memory of the hard winter sent through her a stab of anger and pain 

that she thought spring had healed. 

'Where were you when I needed you,' she cried to the sun...didn't you see me shivering?

I became so brittle..my roots became paralyzed..my bark cracked... 

...and I missed you.~~

I am cold again today.

So cold.

And tired.

The fight leaves it's mark on my body and my mind.

I woke with tears threatening...for no apparent reason.

Weeping endures for the night they say..

...well some times I get my days and nights switched around.

But I know....deep in my deepest...deep in that place...

I know ...

~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~

Like the morning.

Like the sun.

Like Spring.

And I am warmed.