Dust, Pennies & Furnace Cleaning

They arrived at 8am.
Is that even legal?
I was pre-coffee, sans make-up with a brown kerchief and pigtails unsuccessfully hiding my bad hair day.

All the vents were accessible and the furnace room was tidy thanks to my panic the night before.

One gentlemen kneels beside the vent in my bedroom, pulls off the cover, points and declares in a heavily accented tone of shock: DUST!
He looks at me and I blush , desperately wanting to whip out a dust rag and vamoose the evidence I could see clearly on every shelf within my view. { My city is a dust bowl and keeping up is IMPOSSIBLE}

Solemnly handing me a shiny penny pulled from the wreckage of my floor vent, he moves on to power cleaning away the evidence of my unsuitable housekeeping skills.

Sigh.

Why do I feel this rush of insecurity?
Why do the emotions of unworthiness grab me by the throat?
Why do I feel measured and found wanting?

The worst of it all...

Confession time...

I feel more guilty because to me: dust doesn't matter so much.

A perfectly clean carpet and stairs is not a priority.
Washing my floors every day is not a neccessity.
and worst of all...
I use my shower towels more than twice in a row before washing.{gasp}

I look around me and it's the living breathing bodies that matter.
The joyfully employed sons who ask if I want to walk over to Starbucks this morning, their treat.

The seekers who find me wherever I am in the house and ask me how I slept and do I want a plane ticket to go see my sister next Spring for a Christmas present.

The ones who see my fleeting glance at the dust and say: " I'll get that mom."
The ones who take out the trash every Friday without being asked and who jump in to do some of the things that slip through the cracks when I am not paying attention.

My furnace is cleaned, the vents and ducts are pristine...but the laughter spilling out of my kitchen where my youngest makes his Christmas list on the chalkboard trumps it all.

The air is full of Love. I breathe deep. I smile and draw a heart in the dust.

Ignorance...not so bliss

Water, food, clothing and shelter, these four things are essential to survival. As a thinking person and a passionate follower of Jesus, I find myself recoiling in shame at my own blind ignorance and cavalier disregard for personal accountability to the people and the world I live in.

 We’ve all heard the old adage: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

Just a head’s up on that: what you don’t know can hurt you; it can even kill you and other precious people you haven’t even met.

 I submit to you a challenge: Your assignment..should you choose to accept it:

WATER

I challenge you to research bottled water and water mining

in the US and Canada and around the world.

(check out documentaries: “Tapped” and “Blue Gold” )

FOOD

I challenge you to research your major food processing companies:

their practices and their standards.

CLOTHING

I challenge you to research where your clothes are made

and worker conditions in those countries.

SHELTER

I challenge you to assess your standard of living,

the home and possessions you feel entitled to

and the true COST of Living.

 I challenge you to redefine NEED 

 Over the past few months I have deliberately begun to view life through what I like to call: "My Jesus Filter”. The process has slowly become pro-active instead of just re-active.It has become a matter of seeking his heart and being alert, aware of the responsibilities that come from being a follower of Jesus. Aware of my need for his interpretation of events and circumstance instead of my own natural inclinations.

It’s a push pause filter that allows what I am seeing or reading or experiencing to be re-routed through the Word of God and the character of Christ.This process enables me to filter my thoughts, my beliefs, my response…mentally, emotionally and physically through the Holy Spirit. It brings new meaning to the words: “waiting upon the Lord ", and enables me to be: “slow to speak".

 Sometimes I wonder if it is harder to "lose" my life...

...lay it all down while I am still living...

...than to die for the sake of the gospel.

Something's gotta give. I don't think I will be able to plead ignorance with any conviction in this Age of Information.I want to live without excuses. I want my soul preserved...not my lifestyle and comfort.

" The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom... "

~~ Psalm 11:10 ~~

 The sheep and the goats come to mind with horrifying regularity. Working out my salvation with "fear and trembling" has become such a profound reality, putting everything into perspective...God's perspective.
I know I am deeply loved. My love is growing in direct response to that stunning reality. My life is changing significantly the more I seek Him and the more I surrender.
Shouldn't knowledge demand a response...something like:

How then should we live ????

I have eyes to see and ears to hear. Knowing things is difficult..because you become responsible for what you know...and seeing things...oh God...have mercy...we've GOT to open our eyes !

..because really...at the end of all things do you seriously believe that: Ignorance will truly be ...bliss?????

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

~~ James 4:17 ~~

Answered Prayer

I asked for strength ~

and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom ~

and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity ~

and God gave me brain and brawn to work.

I asked for courage ~

and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love ~

and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted ~

I received everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.

~ Excerpt from Extreme Devotion by Voice of the Martyrs ~

FROM THE FAMILY OF MICHAEL JOB, AN INDIAN MEDICAL STUDENT KILLED IN JUNE OF 1999 BECAUSE OF HIS FATHER'S EVANGELISTIC ACTIVITIES.

Thanking God for answered prayer today,

I Want To See

Without God's Word as a lens..the world warps.

~ ~ ~Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts ~ ~ ~

I have heard it said that :Perspective is Truth... and I believe it.

Not that it is true..but that we live what we believe...

Our seeing...makes believers of us all.

We believe ..therefore we act...we speak...we live....

The bible talks about our eyes being the lamp of the body....

The Word cautions us to consider if the light is really darkness...

What are we really looking at?

What do we see?

Is our sight failing?

How do we define?

How do we KNOW?

Man does not live by bread alone...but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.

Matthew 4:4

Can we see the lie?

Hath God said?

Is God really good if he....

Is the light...dark?

All new life labours out of the very bowels of darkness.

Ann Voskamp

Seeds from dark soil.

Dawn from dark night.

Babies from dark wombs.

Saviors from dark tombs.

What do I see when I gaze into my life moments?

Into a world of injustice..screaming.

Into a barren womb...rejecting implantation?

Into war.

Into famine.

Into calamity.

What lens sharpens my focus?

Reveals the true picture?

What do you want me to do for you?

(Jesus asks the blind man in Luke 18:41)

 I read these words as Ann of One Thousand Gifts drives me to the Lens of scripture.

 I am warped without the Lens of His Word.

I am blind.

The lamp within darkened with pain.

Shadowed with suffering.

Opaque,dimmed with loss.

Starved...tempted by stones in the desert.

Death..offering sustenance?

Lies purporting to be truth?

Emptiness promising fulfillment?

What do I want him to do for me?

Lord, I want to see.

Blind Man

I.

WANT.

TO.

SEE.

Different....

It's a scary word.

"different"

In past times that word associated with your name could mean death.

Or worse.

Nowadays we tend to gravitate towards the word unique.

It is more socially acceptable.

It sounds way more mysterious and permissible.

But only in specific situations.

With certain people.

We are still ducking and weaving in our society.

Hiding.

Explaining.

Fearing.

We live in a world hell-bent on education.

Their way.

In their schedule.

On their time-line.

Or else.

Proof demanded.

Interpreted... accepted or rejected.

What's proof of a life growing and learning and developing, expanding, enriching..impacting....

What does that look like?

Who decided?

How it was going to be?

How long it was going to take?????

We live in a society that watches.

Carefully.

Watches and evaluates.

Why?

How has it improved life?

Family?

Relationships?

We are more diagnosed.

Medicated.

Relegated.

Isolated.

Compartmentalized.

Than ever before.

We have lost sight of the value of the individual.

Their life is chopped into measurable sections and held up for inspection.

He's not reading yet.

She can't divide.

He can't even write an essay.

Her reading comprehension skills are a little behind for her age.

When did we start majoring on what wasn't instead of what was.

When did we start micro managing the processes of a life.

We live on the planet for such a short time.

We've forgotten the whole of a life..

It is a WHOLE LIFE we are living.

How many years do we have?

What is the reason behind the living?

Make the most of your life they say..you only get one shot...

I can't believe I have lived 43 years already.

But in all these years one message has never changed:

Education is the key ..they say...

What is this mysterious education that is the answer to all our woes?

From what I have seen the world has not improved.

We have more stuff.

More knowledge.

More technology.

We are faster and smarter than we have ever been.

We have more suicides.

More murders.

More illnesses.

More depraved acts.

More ..more..more...

The list goes on.

When did we start making the majority of life the pursuit of approval.

The measuring of worth and value.

The placement on a scale.

Smart.

Stupid.

Average.

Above.

Beautiful.

Not.

Fast.

Slow.

Complex.

Simple.

Worthy.

Un- _______

Who gets the most time?

The most opportunities ?

The most attention ?

The most effort?

Different.

Where do you go to be that?

Thinking differently is dangerous.

People want to help you change your mind.

They say things like..

But what about...

Will they measure up...

But ..your kids..they still need to make it in the world...

Won't they be missing out?

I am scared some days.

I know what beats deep inside my heart.

I know what resonates in the depths of my being.

Different demands a separation of sorts.

Not a lack of community...

But a digging in ...finding a healthy climate in which to grow.

A place to flourish.

People want immediate confirmation that what you are doing is right.

If something doesn't work out as they define success.. 

they scream and holler...point and shout..

smile knowingly...

frown disapprovingly...

see .. being different in that way was wrong..

You believed wrong.

I knew it.

The funny thing is.

When you are doing something the same as everyone else and you fail...it isn't blamed on the sameness...it is blamed on extenuating circumstances..something random...

What is the proof of a life?

A good life?

Is is acclamation?

The approval of your peers?

A diploma?

A house and property?

A 401K...or retirement fund?

The ability to read or write an essay?

Knowing a little bit about a lot of things?

Being well rounded?

No.

We are so NOT comfortable with different.

It escapes our tidy boxes.

It demands questions.

Most of the time I hear the words..

Oh I could never do that....

Then don't.

That's the beauty of being different.

I let you be you.

Valuable.

Unique.

Walking out your days...your way.

The key is to let me do likewise.

There is a freedom in letting people be different.

Liberating yourself from measuring.

Quantifying.

Our society is not set up to accommodate this well.

People used to be thrown in jail for Home Schooling.

They still are.

People are imprisoned and tortured all over the word for their Christian beliefs.

Racism exists.

Violence runs rampant.

Sin abounds.

Grace much more abounds.

I am walking out my life ...a leaf trembling in the wind.

I think differently about the world.

I have choices.

I choose.

I live.

Life is good.

Not easy.

The voices invade.

The yard stick is very evident some days.

Opinions fall like rain.

But I still dare.

Different.

Just relax.

It looks good on everyone.

Perspective....

I've been living a little too much inside my own head lately.
Although....considering the fact that it is MY head...well....

It becomes a problem when I get so wrapped up in my own interpretation
of events, situations...other people's actions and reactions.

I spend a lot of my life interpreting.
Assessing.
Analyzing.
Categorizing.
Sifting.

It gets pretty busy inside my head.
Synapses firing..shooting off in all directions.

It makes me tired.

I am officially tired.

Bone weary tired.

But at the same time...

I am relieved!

Just because I am....
...doesn't mean I have to remain so.


RELIEF!

Acceptance of who one is in all one's ugly mess...can be followed swiftly on the heels by..

Who one chooses to become...

Maybe even who one always has been...but was just masked...hidden...shrouded...

..by a limited perspective.

This is why I enjoy getting older....

I am soooo hoping that some of my present perspectives
get challenged and eradicated sooner than later...

I can feel my self delusions choking me....

The greatest thing about my journey...

Is the companion I have along the way...

The One whose perspective is clear and unflinching...

Relief.
Joy.
Hope.
Peace.
Rest.

The Author. And Finisher.

It's all a matter of perspective.

I prefer His.

Saving Daylight...and other assorted thoughts

My husband crawled into bed in the wee hours of the morning and informed me as he rolled over that we were having a snow storm.
GROAN.

It was dark when I woke up.
And having lost an hour sometime during the night, I still managed to get up at 7am.
( read: so proud of myself)

Winter's temper tantrum sure put a damper on my enthusiasm!
This happens every year...for us Canadians.
EVERY YEAR!
And yet I hope... for the magic of Spring to wave her wand and presto-chango...
Snow be gone...ice melt away...
No boots..scarves..ratty gloves..mismatched pairs...and warming up my car.

I like instant.

I like the word Instantaneous.

I love the word Instantaneous...

It's applications are myriad...and the possibilities are endless...

It is a pretty big word to represent an instant occurrence.

Instantaneous Spring has a nice ring to it...

This morning I wondered where the daylight bank was....
I wondered when we had stopped saving and started spending daylight and why only in March did we get a clue and begin again?
I don't remember draining the daylight account.. if someone had told me I wouldn't have over spent!
I need more light!
Right now.

There are a bunch of sick guys in my house today including my baby.
Who is 13.
What a joy he is.
When I look into his face...
There it is ...
Instantaneous...
Love.
Bone deep...unquestionably...relentlessly bombarding my heart.

Is this how God feels?
I mean really...
I know I am not remotely perfect in loving...
But all He is is available to me ( the fullness of the God-head bodily dwells within my soul)
... and I like to think..his loving is so unstoppable...that is is woven into our DNA...

This love..is so not dependent on success...or failure...
Whether my son(s) accepts it..believes it...walks in it ..
OR not...
The love remains.

In a measurable..measuring world...

We have an immeasurable treasure..
An immeasurable hope...
Immeasurable peace...
Comfort...
Future..
An immeasurable NOW.

How deep...how long..how wide..how high..
Is his love for me...
For us?

MY second son...
Is awkward in his speech...
Struggles with insecurities that are bone deep... in his relationship to his peers..and to the world...
HE wouldn't mind my talking about this..
Simply because...
He KNOWS...
He is..
LOVED...
and Unfinished...
Where his insecurities seem so obvious and his social skills and communication skills are a work in progress..
There is something about him that sinks into everyone he serves.
Luke sees people.
Truly sees them.
And as he has said to me many times...
I am most myself and happiest..when I am serving.
Luke has hands that heal.
His heart is laid bare.
Sometimes it is hard to watch as he sees people...very clearly..
But he remains unseen. or misinterpreted...misunderstood
Avoided.
Left out.
Not cool enough.

Comparisons suck.

There is a light inside every person on the planet...
Our vision is impaired.
Having eyes we do not see.

The world does not need two people alike.
It needs individuals.

Each of my sons is beloved.
Unique...
Crafted..
Designed...
Purposed...

The one who defines them...
Never abandons them...

He never runs short of light...
His light is the life of man.

Today I laugh.
And cry.

I am such a paradox .

To the six billion other souls out there...

I declare.
You are worthy of love.
You were born of it.
It is why you are.

Walk in the light...