And.I.Worship.

Wow.

It's been while.

Three months since I last posted.

Three months of life filled with so many difficult and wonderful days.

Living.

That's what I am doing.

My one life.

My precious life.

The vantage point from which I write today:

 Reclining in a comfy chair on that screened in deck I stare out at this:

And.I.Worship.

Not the view.

Not the created things.

The Creator.

I overflow with gratitude and an awesome sense of wonder.

I spills out of me in smiles, tears....laughter.

 Sheer joy overwhelms.

A loon calls ... it echos ...

The wind stirs the branches of the cedars;

a spring breeze that reminds me: it is still only the first week in May.

The mountains in the distance are still capped with snow.

I am cozy in my fleece blanket... as I ponder:

What is man that God is mindful of him?

Who am I that He should desire to commune with me?

This beauty exists even without me being here to witness.

But here I am, Juanita Rose, and I testify, I bear witness:

For His Glory.

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities ~ His eternal power and divine nature ~ have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

~Romans 1:20~

God is magnificent.

Full of Splendor.

Wondrous.

~Evident~

He shares.

Himself.

His creation.

His beauty.

With me.

And.I.Worship.

Will you join me today?

Driven { Pain's GPS }

I woke this morning: screaming.

There is nothing like it.

I have no words to describe the feeling.

The struggle to find a place or movement...

...or position that ends the agony...

is all my brain can focus on.

I ended up on the floor on all fours crying.

Desperate.

and.

so.

i.

pray.

There are many branches on the path of life.

Options.

Choices.

I have made one choice that informs all the other choices to be made.

I have decided to follow Jesus

and

There's no turning back.

As I found myself on the floor this morning...

then being carried back to bed by my loving husband...

being gently held as I endured....

I did the only thing I could...

I turned to face the One who knows me...

The One who knows all about pain and suffering.

I cried out...

I made my declaration:

WHOM HAVE I BUT YOU?

Though my questions asked, may never be resolved...

In the darkness...

...my husband and I launched our broken selves...

and our limited understanding...

into the loving arms of our Lord.

and

we

prayed

and 

we 

worshiped

and 

we 

proclaimed

and

we 

trusted

"And we know that in all things God 
works for the good 

of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose."

~~ Romans 8:28 ~~

What I know is this...

Everything that happens to us...drives us in one direction or another.

Towards:
Bitterness, resentment, alcohol, drugs, sex, money, anger.....SELF.

Or...

Peace, forgiveness, trust, hope, love, patience, faithfulness.... JESUS

I admit.

I am tired.

I am a mess.

I cry.....oh how I cry....

but...

"Those who sow in tears

will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with him."

~~Psalm 126: 5-6 ~~

I hold fast to the only sure thing.

The only sure One.

My only hope.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us 

in triumphal procession in Christ

and through us spreads everywhere 

the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

~~ 2 Corinthians 2:14 ~~

Today....I will bless His Holy Name!

B90days: Surrendering the Throne

Standing on the edge of 1 Chronicles I find myself horrified by the lack of progression in the worship of God from Father to son thus far. I knew it was bad but I don't remember it being this bad. And it's really really bad.


I looked up some things this week as I read. I was curious as to the meaning and cultural history of the High Places of worship left unchallenged by most of the Kings of Israel and Judah..and the consequences of their neglect.

I'll leave it up to you. Look it up. It's fascinating.


One thing I know from my reading and from studying human nature...
We don't like being told : 
"THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY"...or "THERE'S ONLY ONE GOD"
... we would rather have several choices... alternates...options...
We are more comfortable that way.
We feel more in control.


Another thing I found interesting is how a created being who had nothing to do with it's own making has the audacity to tell God...and anyone else within hearing...
How it is and how it's gonna be.
We are more intimidated by each other than God.
Our fear defines our master.
Thus..in all simplicity...we worship ourselves.... how sick is that?


I don't know about you...but seriously..I know me...
My vanity and arrogance in my choices..in light of God and His power.....ummmm...


DUCKING AND RUNNING FOR COVER.


We cannot even make up our own minds... over the simplest of choices...
We can't make our cells function or discipline our eating...
..we can barely decide what to wear on any given day !
We don't decide what our bodies do with the food we eat...the water we drink...
We can't instruct our blood to flow...cancer to die...nerves to repair.
We can kill but we can't bring about life...
..and still we dictate terms...
....and we relegate God...to a status defined by our limited selves...and demand he share space with gods of our own making...gods who permit us to rule...who make us look good...


..thus we Un-make God...strip Him of his un-limitedness and re-define him to conform to our acceptable parameters. Parameters that actually remove Him from the throne and place us in the seat of power.


God serving us.
Imagine that.

God our father.
Relegated. Lower.


Perception is truth they say.
Well, we live that "truth"until we discover it for the lie it is...
...and sometimes even beyond then!


When a child says "I know"... parents look at each other and smile.
As a teenager how often did we say we know how it is and state what we believe with the fiery conviction of youth....only to sheepishly look back and shudder at our capacity for self-delusion.


How often did I reach for what I could not hold.... And forsake what held me?
How often did I strive for "freedom".. and create a prison with my own choices?


Why is the hardest position to maintain ..one of bended knee and submission?


We want to believe in our own power...as if to surrender that belief will cause us to be less...instead of more. We'd actually rather the FEELING of power than to serve the TRUE wielder of Power.


How much of our believing/ trusting in one's limited fractured self... rather than
the One who designed and destined you..is simply the sheer madness and folly of a child ....


Foolishness.


The fool has said is his heart: There is no GOD.

When we say there is No GOD..we mean...higher than ourselves.


We might by speaking or believing in some sort of twisted way..make it so...
As a man thinks..so is he.
But truly in the end... it is not as we decide...it is not as we proclaim....
...no matter how long and hard we yell...

It is how God says it is.
Period.
Unless we echo him...we're wrong....dead wrong.
How can we echo...if we haven't heard the truth and embraced it..welcomed it and lived it?

Jesus is the answer.

God's answer.

He's right.

Always.

Today I would rather surrender the delusion of my throne, and the shaky foundation it rests on...
...for the wonder of worshiping the One truly capable of being on the throne.


As someone who can't even get her back to cooperate today, I think a little humility would not be amiss. In the deepest part of my being I know I am not fit to rule.

But I try...oh how I try!


I do not want to be like the people I am reading about..
They exchanged the TRUTH of GOD for a lie.
That was not a good trade.
THAT WAS NOT A GOOD TRADE !
They should have done their research !

The more I discover about the character of the One True God...the God of the Bible:


The more:


I want everything about my life to be surrendered to my maker.
I want everything I do to point to the only One worthy of my worship.
I want everything I say and do to reflect His character.
I want Him glorified.
I want Him adored.
I want Him known.
I want...whatever he wants...whenever he wants...however he wants to do it!

One way.
His way.


God is true.
He is trustworthy.


...and there-in lies my hope...


My confidence is in Him alone....

a walk with a son in the sun worshipping The Son

I hope I never take walking for granted. 

After being flat on my back and hopped up on pain killers, narcotics, 

anti-inflammatory meds and muscle relaxers for months now,

walking along at more than a stumbling shuffle is a glorious thing!

(Now if only I could dance!! )

Middle son and I walk... nibbling on frozen berry smoothy popscicles.

The baby ducks at the pond are now fully resembling their parents.

The roses have bloomed and gone. 

( That was fast...summer please slow down!!!)

The morning glories along the path fill the air with their heavenly aroma

as they peek out from among the tall grasses. 

( Hide-and-seek anyone??)

The thistles are gloriously purple and prickly!

( They are so bold !!)

The clover are succulent and sweet.

(Yummy !!!)

The willows are tall and serene creating shaded walks and mysterious shadows.

(an aisle in nature's cathedral)

The Indian Paintbrushes bend low in the warm wind and stir creative juices.

(use me...use me...)

The sun beats down.

The warm wind blows.

I lift my face. 

Son does likewise.

We sing.... as we walk....(Courtesy of David Crowder)

"There is no one like you, 

there has never, ever been any one like you...."

..and we smile into each others eyes

...this is the true bond between us...closer than blood or DNA

We worship.

Together.

A little bit of heaven on earth.

Weeping Endures for the Night

It's dark outside as I lay propped up on a memory foam mattress on my living room floor, supported by pillows.. with a husband , desperate for connection curled up beside me.
The pain woke me again. I can't get comfortable. Tears flow.
My body shakes, twists..adjusts...
There is a desperation. a groaning. a crying out.
Not so much to understand or find relief physically...
But there is another desperation under the surface of the physical.
There is a soul cry.
I am relearning..or possibly even learning for the first time what it means to be a devoted follower of Jesus. What I am stunned to realize in the darkness of this May morning...is how little following I have done in my 43 years.
How little true worship has crossed my lips....or defined my days.
How barren I am in the ways of discipleship.
I am not the bond-slave I purported to be.
God have mercy.
I am beginning to catch a glimpse of what it means to live on the back side of the desert... and find my God..the deliverer.
He is unmistakable.
He is unyielding in his desire for all of me.
He is relentless.
He is right.
Always.
This is the threshing floor.
Ouch.
This is the hall of mirrors.
Uggghhhh.
This is the crucible...the fire..the purification..
I have been contaminated with nominal Christianity...
Believing...without passionate loving....is not believing at all.
Professing without...seeking...turning...following...hungering....pursuing...
leaving...cleaving...surrendering...indentifying...abandoning myself....
Cross-picking-up-following...
That profession is empty...lies.
My hands are manicured...not full of splinters.
I am cultivated not captivated.
Massaged not pierced through.
Culturally tattooed not branded.
My God.
My soul hungers.
It weeps.
My body is broken at the moment.
My soul is more broken.
My back..the support for the rest of me...bulging, slipping...
...out of alignment...inflamed...
My central nervous system..out of whack.
AGONY.
There is no rest. No way to move that comforts. I am exhausted.
My soul is sicker.Infected.
It needs a healer more.
Dawn approaches...the sky is lightening to the east...
It's a new day..reforged..renewed...reborn...
Along with the sun comes mercies new...
My redeemer lives.
My saviour loves.
My God reigns.
Weeping endures for the night but Joy comes with the morning.
He is Joy.
I am His.
Called.Redeemed.Consecrated.
Devoted.Passionate.Committed.
Follower.
Disciple.
Lover.

Today...I have decided to follow Jesus....no turning back.
My cross is close at hand...
Strength for today in ample supply...
Manna to sustain.
The Great Commission already established...
Lord find in me the marks of a disciple...
Let there be no question of whose I am...
Where you lead ...I will follow.

I am My Beloved's and He is Mine

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be Eve?
The first woman?
Crown of God's creation?
What it must have been like to walk in unbroken communion with God?
To know you were deliberately formed and fashioned for his pleasure?
To be intimately aware of his joy in you?
To be the object of his attention.
To see and be seen..nothing marring your sight.
No barriers.
Completely satisfied in the One who created you.
Aware of His pleasure in you.
You are His completely.
Beloved.

What must it have been like...
To embrace the enemy?
To taste the lie?
To feel that chord snap?
To sense separation for the first time?
To be naked?
Ashamed?

Where is your beauty now?
Swallowed in death?

What must it have been like to crave the attention, the affirmation...the glory of what was once all you knew?

I can hear her cry...
See me...
Notice me....
Accept me...

What was full..is now empty.

The silence must have been excruciating
 And then she covered herself.

She.covered.herself.
.
And thus the world is infected.
Thus woman...women...us...me....
We crave...
Eyes...
We fear...
Invisibility...
We long..
For significance...
We fear...insufficiency
We desire attention...
Hunger for meaning....
 ....communion, connection..intimacy.... Love...

Worthiness...

What makes us worthy?

Beauty? Intelligence?Success? Strength?

Skin.Eyes.Lips.Hair.

The curve of the hips?
The length of the leg?
Proportions?

There is a silent...yet not so silent scream filling the earth today.
It  proceeds from the lips of young girls...teens...women. of all ages.

Can you hear it?
 It is the cry that has echoed down through the ages...

What must Eve have felt..when she went from knowing..to un-knowing?
Sure to unsure.
Confident to insecure.
Eve's knowledge and experience of being seen and known was gone.
She was blind and deaf.

The cry of women all through the ages.
Manifested in our dress..cosmetics..scents..lotions....
Our potions...elixirs...silks and satins...

See me.
Attend to me.
Hear me.
Celebrate me.
Know me.
Love me.

We long to distinguish ourselves from the others.
We compete for attention.
For value.
For worth.
We trade ourselves..our attributes...our bodies... like commerce.
We offer.
We hunger.
We starve.

We fear invisibility.
We will do everything in our power to stand out.
The one pair of eyes that was so satisfying to feel upon us..
We no longer sense...
That intimacy shattered in the garden ...
Has set us adrift...
Who sees me?
Who knows me?
Who wants me?

The bible is full of the wanderings of Israel.
She...wandering through the desert...
Portrayed as a woman.
Selling herself.
Sleeping with the enemy...
Laying herself out...
The imagery is startling.
The Lord....God...Holy...Righteous..
Portrayed as her husband.
Sees her.
Knows her.
Dwells with her.
Yet she craves the attention of others...
And she prostitutes herself.

Hosea.
Take Gomer as your wife.

And he found her, ragged, torn, sick, dirty, disheveled, destitute, chained to an auction block in a filthy slave market, a repulsive shadow of the woman she once was.Hosea bought her from her slavery for fifteen shekels of silver and thirteen bushels of barley.

(Hos. 3:2)

My God.You love me that much?

I ..who long for eyes to see me.
To be captivated by my beauty.
To extol my virtues.
To esteem.
Pay homage.
To Worship?

  But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 

1Sam 16:7

I know God was speaking about the sons of Jesse and Samuel was choosing a King, but the truth is...this has struck such a knife in my heart as a woman.

Do not consider his appearance.

Us women can be all about the outside.
If we are honest.
We spend more time shopping for clothes, make-up, shoes...accessories.
We spend more time grooming.
We spend more time admiring.
We spend more time taking photos of oursleves.
Primping.
Posing...and posting for all to see.
Comparing.
Competing.

Catalog the hours.The countless minutes.
Look back over the years.
It is astonishing.
Terrifying.
My heart is sick.
Convicted.
I am Gomer.
I am Eve.
I am Israel.

Today.... I have given myself a challenge.
The challenge of a lifetime.
It is tough...a dying of sorts.
I am determined.
I am motivated by a love that is deeper.
An acceptance that has nothing to do with my physical beauty.
An intimacy that is mine for the asking.
A knowing that is sure and true.
I am ransacking my closet.
Going through my make-up drawer.
Culling.
Purging.
Sacrificing...
Obeying.
My time is better spent with him..loving, serving, worshiping...
I am living out the words of scripture today as I sing:

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another..

Oh God let us be

A generation that seeks

Your face Oh God of Jacob.

~~Chris Tomlin ~~

The true reflection of myself is found in the face of the One who made me...
Not in the mirror.
My heart is his most cherished treasure.
He has bought me back.
Paid the ransom.
Covered my nakedness.
Taken away my shame.
It's his gaze that matters.
He doesn't stop at the surface.
The fine lines and wrinkles.
The stretch marks.
Age spots.
The belly.
The breasts.
He sees me.
He knows me.
And still loves me.
He gives me meaning. Defines my existence.Gives me worth...value.
His love is set like a precious jewel over me.

 

See my beloved....she is mine...

…clothed in my beauty…

…My Glory...

I am the keeper of her heart.

I am his.
He is my Glory and the Lifter of my head.

I challenge you today....crave his gaze...revel in his attention...find satisfaction in your reflection in his eyes...
Be captivated...live out of the shelter of his affection.
Do not lift your soul to another.
Come up out of the desert...on the arm of your beloved....

My Life...AKA...all the messy bits

Are you over winter as much as I am ?
I am so far past just plain over it.
Miles beyond simply over it.
Over it...doesn't even begin to touch it.

I
AM
DONE.
LIKE
DINNER

Or if you are me today...dinner kind of crept up on you and you are scrambling...
Pork Loin is sitting on the counter but the rest is still a mystery.
Hubby is due home.
I look like a train wreck.
I feel worse.
I've been wallowing.
My shoulder is in agony.
I have had chronic pain for days now...a strained something or other messing with my already injured rotator cuff....which is seriously interfering with my goal of losing 20lbs in two months because I have my annual trip to see my sister..and some dear friends...in which more self loathing is not at all welcome...
Bathing suit weather is around the corner again..
How shallow am I?
The budget is tighter than ever..
Complaining much?
My clothes feel tight.
Well fed?
My teeth are clenched.
Hello ibuprofen..
My inner mantra of love-thyself because you are really and truly beautiful has long since broken down..and been replaced with...she is so beautiful..if I had those legs...and that dress..sigh..boots..I need those boots...
I can't remember the last time my inner dialogue was positive about my exterior.
Or the last time it was not linked to a comparison with someone else.
Self Obsessed much?
Between winter, self obsession...fear of failure on many fronts and self loathing for my self pity...
I have hives upon hives...
Each of the messy bits of my life has spawned yet another messy bit..
They are multiplying at a rapid rate.
Exponential..
A cascading event...
Crash and burn...inevitable.
Ugggh....I even find myself intolerable.

Life.
All my messy bits.
Like dirty snow.

I know there is world hunger
Wars and rumors of more.
Earthquakes
Floods
Famine
Gas prices rising almost by the second.
Death
Disease
Madness
Mayhem

At the end of this first day of March I have come to the conclusion that...

I AM OVER ME
(Again)
I am so far past just plain over me.
(Once more)
Miles beyond simply over me.
(Once again)
Over me...doesn't even begin to touch it.

.... help me i've fallen and i can't get up....

As a man thinks...so is he (Prov.23)

Idolatry.is.not.ok.
IDOLATRY
sin
Sin
SIN
I need reminding.
I don't have a graven image.
I have a mirror.
A television.
The internet.

Today I find myself singing with Chris Tomlin....in desperation...

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

I need to bow my heart...
I need to bend my knee...
Turn my eyes away from my own reflection....
My dialogue from self worship...(sister to self loathing)
My life....
Offered...
All...the messy bits...
My heart...Purified..Cleansed...
My mind..washed..renewed...
The counterfeit...
Exchanged...
For the real thing...
True Beauty
True Love
Inexplicable Joy
Peace that passes understanding....

A reflection of Him...

Thank God....
Spring is coming....
He makes all things new... especially those messy bits....

Satisfied

" When we turn our back on the breathtaking beauty of God, 

we cast a shadow on the earth and fall in love with it.

But it does not satisfy."

John Piper in The Dangerous Duty of Delight

When I look around at my life.

When I poke into it's framework...it's weave....it's substance.

I find a dissatisfaction.

The days pass and the uneasiness grows.

The years pass and looking back I see the trend.

Don't get me wrong... I am happy...I have joyful times... 

..laughter mixed with tears...

success mixed in with failure...

I have believed in God my whole life.

I can't remember a time of not knowing.

This is a blessing.

But something is stirring.

A restlessness...

An awakening urge...

To look closely: to examine the extent of my belief..

How am I living?

What captivates my attention ?

What is the source of my joy ?

The cause of my discomfort ?

I have started to look at my days.

I know that it is those days that define me.

They tell the story of my allegiance.

My life is a book. 

Seen and read of by all men.

So the scriptures say.

I need to stop and read it.

My story.

I need to turn the pages.

I need to examine it closely:

What is the plot?

Where is the action happening ?

Who is the object of my passion?

What is the theme?

Why has it ended up here?

I think it needs some editing as it moves forward.

In some ways like Piper says:
I have mistaken the echo for the Original SHOUT.

The fragrance for the flower.

The picture for the experience.
The reflection for the real thing.

The copy for the original.

In many ways I have fallen in love with my own shadow.

My own reflection.My own reputation.

 No wonder I am unsatisfied. 

 " The steadfast love of the Lord is better than life."

Psalm 63:3

I was talking with a friend last night about this very thing.

I was trying to come to grip with the fact that my days mirror my loves.

If I want my life transformed I need to surrender those minutes, those hours that become my days.

"You made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace till they rest in you."

St. Augustine

I don't need to add to my days: I need to exchange.

I do have the time for prayer.

For meditation. 

For scripture.

For worship.

I just need to offer up something else.

Make a trade.

What needs to be replaced ?

Where does the time go?

TV.

Facebook.

Twitter.

Blog.

Texting.

Shopping.

Surfing.

Searching...searching..searching...

Count the minutes.

Add up the hours.

They are there.

I have plenty of time for face-to-face.
Yes.I.Do.

I want the light.

The flower.

The song.

The original.

The author.

I want LIFE....

 He is the life.

I want TRUTH.

He is truth.

I want LOVE.

He is love.

"God has put eternity in man's minds and filled the human heart with longing. But we know not what we long for until we see the breathtaking God. This is the cause of universal restlessness."

John Piper

When my stomach growls it has my full attention.

Food becomes my primary concern.

Satisfy the hunger.

Eat. Be filled.

My spirit is hungry.

My soul craves.

Nothing else will do.

I must turn and face him.

Fix my gaze.

Be captivated.

I will delight in him.

He will satisfy me.

Him alone.