B90Days: Getting Egypt Out...

I read the Old Testament and find myself. 

All my unredeemed qualities surface in the lives of the individuals

recorded throughout the scriptures:

The agony, the fear...the arrogance... the complaints...

the anger...the questioning....

I would like to be able to say:

 ...that they had it easier:

They saw burning bushes, pillars of fire...clouds and thundering on mountains, 

manna each morning...quail in the evening...plagues and seas parting...

they HEARD his voice...they saw his glory shining on Moses' face....

how could they NOT believe...how could they be so faithless?????

But...I...a grafted in, New Testament follower....disciple...Christian...

I have the Holy Spirit..DWELLING WITHIN..revealing God...undertaking His work..AND I have Jesus INTERCEDING at the right hand of God....

I have the bible in many versions...on bookshelves, in my coffee table...

...by my bedside, on my desk...on my computer...on cd's

Ummmm....

I am steeped in my culture like Israel was steeped in Egyptian culture.

Idolatry is rampant.

I can see in the mirror.

I have need of His Law of Love.
All my heart.All my mind.All my strength.

I have need of repetition.
I.HAVE.NEED.OF.REPETITION.
I HAVE NEED OF REPETITION

I need to assure myself of his character over and over again.
ARE YOU SURE?

I need my landscape redefined...and replaced.

He will bring me out. 

He will make me his own. 

He will sever all ties and command all my affections.

I know this because ultimately I know him to be true.

He knows best.

I  need him. He is all that satisfies.
He knows that...I just need to get with the program.

He must train my ear to hear his voice and to trust Him alone.

Will I learn...anywhere but the back side of the desert?

I used to trust..mostly when there was no other way..
when all other avenues of self help were explored...
I was pretty good at helping myself.

When I finally figured out that everything about my day required trust
if it was going to have any lasting purpose....
If I was going to bear fruit...and fruit that remained.
I began to awaken to the fact that:

Safety and security and guarantees... these were my idols.

At times....I am that stiff-necked people.
I throw gold into the fire and look what jumps out?
Surprise????
ya think?
No..I fashion my idols with care.
I cultivate.
It's an art form.
A product of my culture...
It's influences...
It sounds so right...

Safety...Security...Guarantees...

No wonder He lays down the law...

Now we have grace...and atonement through Jesus...
The Law of Love...saves...and sanctifies...

Love was present in the desert too...
He got His people out of Egypt... 

Now it was time to get Egypt out of them.

.... in this do I hope....

I am His...and He is mine!

He promised.

He made me. He knows what he is doing.

Where he leads....I will follow....

Unfinished Business...

Yes.

We are back in business.

Back.

in.

Unfinished.

Business.

God.

Me.

Total failure to achieve objectives yesterday.
Complete and utter meltdown.
Ragged around the edges today. A little scared to poke into the shadows.
You know that feeling...when you think you got it all...and then...there it is..dust bunnies...grime behind the tap..soap scum..grease on the ceiling fan...mold in the corners of the window frame...
...ewwww what is THAT????
I know you know what I mean.
It's that feeling you get when you wake up after a loooooog Alberta (insert your above the 39th parallel town) winter and the Spring sunlight is blazing in the windows and you cringe as you realize that you've been living in "this".
How is it that I can be going along...walking the road...seeing the light...and then out of nowhere...
OUCH.
UGGGH.
SOB.
WAIL.
I.CANT.BREATHE.
It hurts so bad.
Not the back, although that hurts too...
It's my insides...the deep insides...where I am made...
The place I believe from..the place I live from..
Where I am me.
IT HURTS.
Having been in an ambulance recently followed by a day in the emergency room...
Having scores of medical personnel poking and prodding and requesting a pain level estimate:
"Mrs.Wenham...on a scale of 1-10...how bad is it now ?"
Well...I realize pain is highly subjective..but what do you think the level would have to be to get me to call an ambulance in the first place ( costing upwards of $300 )...and putting up with needles...and bright lights...horrible hospital garments and let me tell you the bed here is not as comfortable as my memory foam mattress on the living-room floor....
Can you hear me now?
I have better things to do with my time.
I am not an advocate of pain.
I would love to avoid it all together.
ALL.TOGETHER.
This morning early..after the aforementioned meltdown, I made an ugly discovery.
Sigh.
Along with the ugly discovery however, comes a breathtaking miraculous knowledge.
The miracle ...despite it's beauty..and general all over miraculous-ness..has no way of eradicating the pain...
God has unfinished business with me.
The foundations of my house are askew.
The excavation has been scheduled.
Demo Day.
Have you ever noticed that never in the history of architecture has a house demo-ed itself?
Never has one designed itself either
Never has a house compared itself to another.
Only the designer compares the house to it's original purpose.... the blueprints.
Yesterday some foundations of thought..and subsequent beliefs..were uncovered deep inside my makings.
The walls were pulled off..the skeleton exposed.... the rot revealed.
OH GOD IT HURTS.
Is that really me?
All this time?
How do you stand it?
How do you stand here with me and gaze with such piercing love at THAT?
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
SERIOUSLY.
The only thing holding me together is the knowledge that :
He makes all things beautiful.
He promised.
The only thing left for me is surrender.
The process....is seemingly endless...matched only by his patience.
He must see something more than I do...
It must be worth it...

Therein lies my hope and trust.
If He has decided.... that I am his...that I am worth the cost.... the effort...
Who am I... clay that I am...to argue?

I am not sure if the way ever gets easier...
The longer I walk..the deeper He goes.
I am Much Afraid on her journey to the High Places...the words of Bitterness echoing in her ears:

"Sooner of later, when he gets you up on the wild places of the mountains 

he will put you on some sort of cross and abandon you to it."

~ Hannah Hurnard: Hinds Feet on High Places ~

Today the pain has me by the throat.
No air.
If it weren't for His mercy... the knowledge of His trustworthiness...
I'd be nothing but ashes in the wind.
His love is better than life.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

~~ Psalm 63:1-4 ~~

Today I am Much Afraid in the Valley of the Shadow.... the Priest is at the altar...
The goal: the rooting out of self-love...
Again.
I cry out: Take it!
But like Much Afraid I know the coward lurks within...

" I am afraid that the pain may cause me to resist you. 

Will you bind me to the altar in some way so I cannot move ? 

I would not like to be found struggling while the will of my Lord is being done."

I am 43 year old...turning 44 this summer.
I will have been married 22 years on June 17th.
There is no other me on the planet.
The defining parameters of daughter first, sister second, then wife/lover and mother....
All the other relationships...
The landscape of my life..
The field...
 Designed for one purpose alone... His.

~~ Awake My Soul ~~

When I close my eyes
I can see Your glory
When I raise my hands
I can touch your face
When I bow my knees
I stand before You
And Christ is formed in me

Awake my soul prepare an entrance for Your glory
And let my heart become a throne for You to dwell
And when I need Your Holy Spirit more than life itself
Then Christ is formed in Me

When I lose myself I reflect Your image
When I break, break my will, then I am whole
When I give, give my all, I find life everlasting.
Then Christ is formed in me

~~ Philips, Craig and Dean ~~

There is no one to compare.
No one to blame.
Nowhere to Hide.
Whom have I but you Lord?

Holy Spirit... whatever it takes... I trust you to take care of business !


This is the air I breathe.... until I breathe no more,

Divine Design

Waking up is a miracle. One I am thankful for every day. This way of thinking propels me into the presence of the One who holds all things together.I can proclaim the truth along with David in Psalm 139:7-12 :

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

My awareness of the ever present nature of my creator is a gift from his heart to mine. One I never take for granted. I am learning in this season that everything good originates with him. And he does ALL things well. He is always good, always right always loving. That premise informs my days. Today, as we were reading Extreme Devotion by The Voice of the Martyr's, I was struck again by the truth of God going before, abiding with and coming behind us as our rear guard. As I was marveling at his total supremacy. I felt the spirit prodding me and I began to speak to my sons about the Purposeful Design of God. The hairs were standing up all over my body and I was so aware that this was a moment pregnant with truth...with purpose.
This surrender, this obedient life.....the "following life" we are called to, is not one that is more sacrifice than benefit...more suffering than blessing....
The whole reason....the whole purpose is... love !

The battle is not so much with sin as it is with the belief/disbelief 

that we were designed specifically for one purpose alone: 

Communion with God. 

This is our best life. Anything else is contrary to our purpose.

We were not designed to sin....

we were designed by love for love..to love...

The results of not believing this are tragic...painful...confusing and dissatisfying...depressing.
You can't use a hammer to paint a wall.
A paintbrush can't change a tire.
A shovel can't fix a computer ( although some days I'd like to try that one!)
It's all in the design.
This world is full of made-in-the-image-of-God, living, breathing perfectly designed  creations...out of step with their supreme purpose.
The result is chaos.

I realized today that my fight is more with the Designer..than with the enemy.

In fact ..in some ways...I behave like an enemy of God.

My beliefs inform my actions.

Faith is expressed in love alone...or it is NOTHING.

Nothing else lasts...Faith, Hope and Love remain....but the greatest is Love.
Designed.
Purposed.
For Love.
When we can't accept the love of God, the flaw is not in the design..but the application of the design:
I was intended for love.
When we refuse to love....again...it is not a design flaw...but misuse of purpose.
I am misusing this Divinely Designed and Purposed Creation...no wonder I am a mess !
A car is not a tractor...
An airplane is not a lawn mower...
A phone is not a blender...

It's all about design.

God purposed every one of us.
Creatively. Mysteriously. Perfectly.
FOR HIMSELF.
Relationship.Communion.

This is the pot surrendering to the potter.
The cloth to the weaver...
The metal to the forger...
None of those would consider rebelling. It's laughable even to imagine !
They bend to the will of the designer.
And yet I....sigh....
My problem is not with the enemy of God...
My issue is with God himself.
He conceptualized me.Designed me.Fashioned me and brought me into being.
And I live...what...how...my own life?
Contrary to my purpose?
Against my design?
My God. The arrogance.
This was the sin of Satan.
Not content to worship..but desiring worship himself.
Contrary to his design.
And chaos reigns.
War is born and rages today throughout all of creation.
Adam and Eve succumbed...generations followed.


My life...all of history... is a journey... a story...of the designed creation returning to it's original purpose....
Submitted, surrendered....abandoned to the designer...

"Come, let us return to the LORD. 

He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; 

he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds."

~ Hosea 6:1  NIV ~

Jesus was the first submitted one..." Not my will....but thine be done."
He trusted His Father's design.
He lived for his Father's purposes.

Jesus trusted his Father's love...up a hill to an execution stake !

His joy was in his trust.....in his Father's trustworthiness.
This is the only place we will find rest.
This is the only place of contentment.
This is the only place of  true joy...true fulfillment.
This is our calling...our reason for breathing...existing...
Trust. Obey. Love.
Fear.Not.
Be who we were designed to be.
His Beloved.
Live it.
This is the Divine Design.

My Life...AKA...all the messy bits

Are you over winter as much as I am ?
I am so far past just plain over it.
Miles beyond simply over it.
Over it...doesn't even begin to touch it.

I
AM
DONE.
LIKE
DINNER

Or if you are me today...dinner kind of crept up on you and you are scrambling...
Pork Loin is sitting on the counter but the rest is still a mystery.
Hubby is due home.
I look like a train wreck.
I feel worse.
I've been wallowing.
My shoulder is in agony.
I have had chronic pain for days now...a strained something or other messing with my already injured rotator cuff....which is seriously interfering with my goal of losing 20lbs in two months because I have my annual trip to see my sister..and some dear friends...in which more self loathing is not at all welcome...
Bathing suit weather is around the corner again..
How shallow am I?
The budget is tighter than ever..
Complaining much?
My clothes feel tight.
Well fed?
My teeth are clenched.
Hello ibuprofen..
My inner mantra of love-thyself because you are really and truly beautiful has long since broken down..and been replaced with...she is so beautiful..if I had those legs...and that dress..sigh..boots..I need those boots...
I can't remember the last time my inner dialogue was positive about my exterior.
Or the last time it was not linked to a comparison with someone else.
Self Obsessed much?
Between winter, self obsession...fear of failure on many fronts and self loathing for my self pity...
I have hives upon hives...
Each of the messy bits of my life has spawned yet another messy bit..
They are multiplying at a rapid rate.
Exponential..
A cascading event...
Crash and burn...inevitable.
Ugggh....I even find myself intolerable.

Life.
All my messy bits.
Like dirty snow.

I know there is world hunger
Wars and rumors of more.
Earthquakes
Floods
Famine
Gas prices rising almost by the second.
Death
Disease
Madness
Mayhem

At the end of this first day of March I have come to the conclusion that...

I AM OVER ME
(Again)
I am so far past just plain over me.
(Once more)
Miles beyond simply over me.
(Once again)
Over me...doesn't even begin to touch it.

.... help me i've fallen and i can't get up....

As a man thinks...so is he (Prov.23)

Idolatry.is.not.ok.
IDOLATRY
sin
Sin
SIN
I need reminding.
I don't have a graven image.
I have a mirror.
A television.
The internet.

Today I find myself singing with Chris Tomlin....in desperation...

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

I need to bow my heart...
I need to bend my knee...
Turn my eyes away from my own reflection....
My dialogue from self worship...(sister to self loathing)
My life....
Offered...
All...the messy bits...
My heart...Purified..Cleansed...
My mind..washed..renewed...
The counterfeit...
Exchanged...
For the real thing...
True Beauty
True Love
Inexplicable Joy
Peace that passes understanding....

A reflection of Him...

Thank God....
Spring is coming....
He makes all things new... especially those messy bits....