Monday, February 23, 2009

If We Only Knew

"Father forgive them...they know not what they do...."

As I look outside my window..the sky is a uniform color from horizon to horizon...
It's not a lowering gray...more like the colour of faded well worn blue jeans...

There's a lot on my mind today...

You can stop chuckling now...
Lori can stop right're going to go into labor...

Feel better?
Seriously now...

I know you all know me by I can afford to have you laugh at me.
I am getting pretty comfortable...with who I am...
Definitely not a woman of few words..and my mind never shuts off..

It is a good thing I learned to talk to God about everything and anything since I could almost walk.
I think that's what saves me...
All you who are reading... you aren't getting anything he hasn't already heard.

Now there's a comforting thought...

God reads my blog!


Hey it's Monday morning...and I haven't had coffee for ages...


Just in case you don't remember.. today...

Here's a little caffeine for the soul...


You know where it says..

"Thou shalt not have any other gods before me." ???
One of the big "10".
Probably the biggest... since it was the first...



One of the things I have realized is that I have a huge god before him...

The one I've made up.
The one who spells his name the same.
Has the same eyes.
Wears the same style of bathrobe...
Has the same furniture in this big white room...


You know what I am talking about.
The wizard of Oz...

I have this idea of god that I parade around all the time in my head.
And boy does he tend to take up a lot of space..and he is huge...
He has a loud voice too.

But you know...
The more I cry out..
The more I fix my eyes..
The more I let go...
The more I surrender..
The more I release..
The more I question..
The more I embrace...
The more I trust..
The more I humble myself...

The veil... tears.. a little farther...

The image fades...
The voice is being replaced..
The idea..image...form... fashioned by my own imagination...
Is dissolving..

My eyes are opening..
My ears are opening...

I made God in my own image.

He has spent my whole life unmaking...revealing...uncovering...approaching.

Doesn't it just take your breath away...

He approaches me...

When Jesus said..Father forgive them...

It wasn't just about the nails...
It was about who we would make him out to be in our minds and hearts.

We might not make graven images any more..
But we have images engraved on our hearts and in our minds.

My God is an awesome God.

He is inscrutable...yet he makes himself known..
He is perfect..yet he surrounds my imperfection...
He is just..and yet mercy triumphs...
He is Holy...and yet wraps me in himself...

The truth is...
We know not what we do...

But he does.


We DO know...what HE did...

And that my friends...
Changed everything...

If we only knew...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Crutches...Hamlet and Life as I Like It...

This has been quite the week.
I fought and defeated a nasty cold...endured and overcame the stomach flu..and am healing from a nasty sprained ankle, wrenched knee and bruised hip.

Just before all that transpired in my life... mother's house was hit by an oil-tanker and rocked on it's foundations.
It has been decided by structural engineers that the house should be torn down and rebuilt.

My Uncle Eric survived another bout with his heart.

I have family who have been living and working in Israel during the latest crisis.

Someone my sister knows lost her husband in a freak snowmobile accident on the night of Valentine's Day.

One of my brother-in-laws has been diagnosed with Huntington's Disease.

My eldest is coming home from Kelowna tomorrow.
He needs a job.

My youngest is thirteen and made me win the game of Aggravation last night...just because he hates to see me lose.

My friend is in her last month of pregnancy and is moving this week.

My bills are bank account is empty.

Someone on freecycle has a pair of crutches for me.

I hate being laid up.

To be or not to be.

To live...or die...

I woke up today...

Other people didn't.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

What is this thing called life?

My son Jeremy asked me the other day..
" do we know that this is all real?"

I told him:

"What you can't see is more real than this."



I can feel it shimmering in my bones.


The limits frustrate me.
My limits.

Deep inside where it really matters...
Where I am...simply who I am...
Defined and held...
Understood and known...

I realize...

He is that for all of us.
Even when we don't realize.
Our understanding..

Does. Not. Limit. Him.

Life is not breathing.
Heart pumping.
Synapses firing.
Self knowing.

Can you hear the rocks and trees screaming?

He is bigger.
In him it is all fitly held together.

Today I am sure the sunrise is full of music.
The wind is drifting melodies..roaring symphonies...
The ocean...thunderous rhythm...

And you and I...
We were made to believe... the depths..

How can we not love?
It is why we are.

Today I the wonder of being fully known...
Of knowing then...that all is in his care...

He is perfect... the center of all things..
The origin...
The reason...


And yet...

Can you see it...
Sometime I see the truth of it hovering just out of my peripheral vision...
If I could turn my head slightly..I would see...

Today I don't have to see to know..
I guess that is faith then.

I trust.


What relief.

The wonder of that strikes my heart and I can barely see the keyboard to write.

What is this thing called love?

It is what gives meaning to it all.
No matter what it all looks like.

It's a new day....

This is Life...

As I like it!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

It's Not a Matter of What's Better, But of What's Real

Well that struck a chord today.

How many hours of the day..and some sleepless nights... we spend on thinking of what is better?

How many countless lives and life-styles..choices and family dynamics do I compare to my own and try to figure out which is better?

Which way?

We live in a world designed to conform.
It has always been that way.

Counter-culture is not a safe road.
It is not a popular road.
It is not a comfortable road.
It is not guaranteed to produce successful human beings.
That is terrifying to a parent.

It is terrifying to anyone.

Who dares the journey.

We live by definitions.
We thrive on road maps.
Returns on investments.
Group consensus.

We acclimate.
Blend in.
Increase and expand.



We have a clear idea of what better looks like.

Well rounded.

This is the hands down winner by popular choice.

Fit in.

Our culture has applied itself to that aim.

You won't be successful unless.....

God help me.

Blue pill or red?

Rat race...


the real?

The scriptures say that the sole purpose of man is to love God and enjoy him forever.

Very little of our day allows for this reality.

In a life span of 80 years there are 29,200 days.
I'm over half way to that point.

Whatever happened to: Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere?

Calculated: a life time is approximately equal to a month in the presence of the Almighty!

Jesus came to serve..not to be served.

He owned nothing.

He lived with the outcasts.

His best friends were unwashed /uneducated fishermen
....and despised tax collectors

We befriend people like us.

In our society Education is God...Entertainment is crown prince.

The love of money is still the root of all evil.

How much of my time is spent in the pursuit of it?
And what it can do for me?
And my offspring?

In my mindset..decrease is not a fun word.

Less is a shameful state.

Ignorance and be abhorred.

The least of these?
Shall be the greatest.
And yet we strive our whole lives to be the greatest.

Oh God.
We are so screwed!

I am not ignorant.
I am however more dependent than ever.
The more I understand...
The more I am torn apart...
I cannot reconcile.. the better and the real in my mind or in my heart.

Something is desperately wrong with this picture.

I will have lived 14,600 days by August 8, 2009

Is my life better?
Are my boys worse off by my choices?
Does my life look successful?
I know people watching are measuring...observing..deciding...
I do too...

What have I secured?
What have I guaranteed?
What have I lost?

The unseen is more real than what is seen.

Someone wise once said..that for every time you look into the darkness of your own heart..
...look ten times into the heart of God.

It is there I lay my whole trust.

I can't compete for better any longer.

I can't live with the measuring stick every day.
I need it broken.

This I know to be true.
My God supplies all my needs.
And I need him more than life.
His heart is amazing.
It is big enough to lose myself in.
I need to be lost...I need to decrease..he needs to increase.

Comfort be damned.

I want the real...not the better.

The red pill.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking it.

We live what we know.
Knowledge puffs up.

I want to know Christ..and him crucified...
I want to know my Father...and let it be said as it was of Jesus...

I only do what I see my Father doing...

It doesn't get more real than that!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


"We're not changed by the promises we make to God, but by the promises He makes to us."
(Jake Colson)

I guess I needed relief today....
...cause sometimes living with the expectations of performance for love...approval and validation gets old by the time you are in your 40's.

It gets so frustrating to be this far along the journey... and still excavating the bedrock of my belief system...
Actually..I am observing the creator is manning the machinery.

It is frustrating and amazing at the same time.
It truly illuminates the otherness of God in the fact that he obviously doesn't see me as a waste of time or effort, and doesn't see my thinking and an obstacle to his working in my life.

Whereas naturally speaking...demolition at 41 years of age in the North American culture seems such a waste. Remodeling might be acceptable.. a little reno might be in order... a nip/tuck or face-lift...a little Lipo...plastic surgery...add a little here..take away a little there..freeze that expression...
..but razing down to the foundations?

It's soooo not good for promoting the "good christian" walk of faith I have been on since I was a toddler.

" man's effort to appease God by his own work."
Jake Colson

I think God loves Tonka Trucks...
He gives every indication that he LOVES excavating my life...and he is not one bit bothered by what he finds...not like I am.
He knows what's there...
He loves me unequivocally.
Even with that knowledge.

How many promises have I made to God.
That I can't keep?
I am not big enough..strong enough...wise enough..pure enough...

I can't even love I want to.

A lifetime of promises sit in ashes around my feet today.

But joy surges inside.... something that cannot be denied.

I Know.
I am.

I know.
He is.

I know.
He never.
Leaves me.

I know.
I love.
He loves.


In the dirt.

In the ruins.

We build buildings and call them church.
They're not.
We build lives and call ourselves believers.
As if it's all good.
In what?
I live what I believe... and some days it's not pretty...

Oh God.

I am saved.

Only because....

He believes.
In this thing...called life...called love...
In his ability... to make all things new.

I promise.
I fail.

He promises.
He never fails.

He loves.
I accept the love and it flows
...continually through...unhindered..not stored...not

He promises that he is enough.
He is.

I am breathing.
It is enough.
Strength for the day.
Mercy for the day.
Manna for the day.

He is big enough for the both of us.

He can mess around in my foundations all he wants.
It's nothing new to him...and as for everyone else looking on...

He has shown me that in him I have:

Nothing to prove: If God be for me..who can be against me?
Nothing to fear: Perfect love casts out all fear.
Nothing to hide: There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed...
Nothing to lose: All I have is you.

Pinkie swear.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Test Anxiety

I cannot recommend strongly enough the book I am reading aloud with my boys each morning... Practical Happiness by Bob Shultz.
Again and again he delves deep and reveals treasures of wisdom gleaned from years of walking with God.

This morning's lesson was on TESTS.

Test anxiety is so prevalent in our society.
In fact, it dominates lives more than you would think..even the ones who are seemingly passing with flying colours.

Shultz told his children from the age of 7 upwards:

"I don't care if you flunk the test. It doesn't matter to me if you miss every problem. The important thing is that you have a good time. Go and enjoy it!"

Sounds crazy.
No parent I know, including myself, gives that pep talk on test day.

So what makes this so powerful a concept?

Life's lessons 101.

Bottom line:

Accurate tests reveal truth.






In order for test anxiety to be wiped out: I can't be afraid about what the test reveals about me.

As if.
On what planet?????

A poor score simply means I either need more study/input/wisdom or a lesson/insight on how to take/approach/walk through, a test.

Shultz goes on to state:

" Results are not important: if you don't like tests you won't enjoy life."

Tests reveal the truth about you.
We Christians claim to love truth.

( Practical application of above the fine print.)

It is easy to love the truth when you can do something with ease...
...but what about when you can't?
How do you feel then?

"How can you love truth and like tests when they reveal your ignorance or your faults... How can you like tests that reveal your shortcomings? The answer is simple: Learn to love truth. Love it no matter how it makes you look. Love it regardless of where it may lead you. You will find freedom as you learn to love truth."

I know that pride avoids both tests and truth.
People would rather lie to look special than face the reality of being average or uneducated/unknowing.

Loving the truth sets me free to the point where I welcome tests even as they expose me...the real me. Being open and transparent is all I have time for these ignorance and weaknesses can be overcome...hidden ignorance festers and remains and corrupts.

This is soooooo where I want to live and move and have my very existence.
In the WAY...the TRUTH... the LIFE.

It is impossible for me to gain wisdom..while remaining deliberately ignorant through fear of exposure.

I am finding that the daily tests I face...moment by moment, hour by hour, reveal two very important things:

1. I need God
2. God is willing to meet my need

Again Shultz declares:

"Every trial, test and trouble you face is a friend declaring the truth about yourself and God, about your need and his ability to meet that need."

Thanks be to GOD! Who always causes us to triumph.. through Christ Jesus!

Hindsight is 20/20, so they say...and for once..they are right.

It is not until I SEE..until I actually open my eyes to the fact that trials..tests etc are the pathway..the narrow way that leads to knowing and trusting God.
When I don't see things this way..I live irritated..and in a victim state...and I stop seeing God as good and start looking for ways to perform.. so he will BLESS me and get things back in my comfort idea of the "succesful christian life".

I know for a fact that I can't love God without knowing him...and I can't know him without experiencing him...




The tests are not enemies.
They are friends.

Love truth.
Love God. ( one and the same)

Love the true you...God does.

"But we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation works patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which is given to us."
Romans 5:3-5