Birth Pains

We thought we wouldn't have children. I had "complications".
They were wrong thank God!
We were so young when we got married. I was 21, the age my eldest turns today.

I lay here in my bed waiting for meds to kick in, a pinched nerve and other random issues are limiting my movement very effectively.

I remember the pain of my first labor and delivery. It is amazing how that pain was so productive; how the contractions and spasms worked to bring my beautiful son into the world.

Deep inside throughout the whole birth I KNEW there was purpose in the pain and I had peace, and joy: such joy! Life from agony. A miracle. An eternal soul.  A priceless gift. Three more followed hard on our first borns heels. We ended up having four sons in five years.
Miracles, all of them.

I bear marks on my body today, tattoos of love etched on my belly and a body softened and widened with the journey. They are reminders to me that weeping endures for the night: but Joy comes in the morning! Love bears fruit. Suffering....transforms.

I hurt today. It is a different kind of pain that seems to have no purpose. My back screams at me and I wonder if any good will come of this. There were warning signs over the last few days to be sure but there is this sort of helplessness that creeps in as the cycle spirals down again.

The questions come hard and fast. I have no answers. Limitations frustrate me. They could incapacitate as much as the pain does if I let them. But, I am discovering that this pain has the power of transformation. This pain is a birthing of sorts. It is a place unique. When giving birth, my body decided. Instincts took over and I had very little control over the events.

It is different now. I choose. I choose peace. I choose joy and thankfulness. I choose to bless and not curse. I choose trust. Something is being forged in me again. Something is being sown. I am being shaped and fashioned.  I am being remade, transformed. I know beauty will come from the ashes.

We have four birthdays to celebrate in the next 18 days. Four sons, four precious lives walking this planet: We have changed the world!

It is a new day: each moment a gift, each second a choice.
I choose joy....I choose gratitude...
 It is well with my soul.

Are you hurting today?
Is there pain in your life that seems without purpose?
Leave a comment and I will pray with you and for you....
I am sharing from the trenches today...the battle is on.

In Everything....

I sat on the couch yesterday morning, half reclining with an ice pack on my shoulder and a hot coffee in hand...watching the snow swirl down on cold arctic air... on this, the second day of Spring. Weariness assailed me, built up from weeks of chronic pain and compounded by a sleepless night. My sons gathered round, anticipating our devotional time... I stare into their faces, memorizing, appreciating...thankful.
I lay aside our regular devotions and pick up 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.
This book has become a companion these last weeks. a friend that whispers, provokes, cajoles, encourages and shatters.....
God is who he says!
I dare to read aloud to young minds, immature ...developing...my sons...
I am gripped with urgency:
In this world you will have trouble:it is everywhere..inescapable...here in front of you: in my very body: trouble with a capital T. ...
But... HE has overcome the world.
Do you wonder ..I ask..gazing deep into soul depths yet unexplored... inexperienced.... still unknown by their possessors...what is the will of God?

Can you know ???

Infants...still...embryonic faith...still linked to mother's resources....trusting her life source....tied...anchored

"In everything give thanks," ... I whisper into the day...into their fertile hearts....
" For this IS the will of God..in Christ Jesus concerning you!"....
I proclaim the last with bold assurance...and fragile body quakes...
Why? How?
They question , bewildered...... as they watch me shift in pain and wince...stretch out legs shocked by nerves uncontrolled...pale faced and shadowed eyes...fierce fire blazing hot deep within leaps outward...heart caught by truth:

It is possible.
It is necessary.
It is essential.
There is no salvation without thanks.
No true freedom...without gratitude.

"It is possible to say yes..and live no. "
(Ann Voskamp)


I have in many ways...for years.

The yes way is narrow.
It is dangerous...unsafe...uncomfortable...pain-ful
It is a place of naked wanting. ..only God.
Knowing only him.
Whom have I but you?
Joy commeth.
It is here.
It is now.

I offer my sons, the deliberately woven in the depths...intended creations of a mighty God...
Those sons....
I offer them..their maker.
All in all.
Author.
Finisher.
Knower.
Designer.
Keeper.
Redeemer.

I pray that they will hold up their "not enough" ...thank Him...and  know that He is "more than enough".

That they will live and love and follow
That they will know the will of God....and give thanks...in everything.
In.
Every.
Thing.
Thank-you Father.....

Joy Commeth

The cold hurts this morning.
I think it hurts the most in November and February.
November... because I don't want winter to get a grip so tight she won't let go...
..and February because my heart hopes every year for an early Spring.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Sick.
The cold is relentless.
It pinches and leaves a mark.
The last two weeks have left me bruised all over.
The last few months..well...
I hurt.
I am weary.
The effort a typical "Canadian Winter" demands on any given day is staggering.
Have you seen the entryway to my house???
Boots, coats.mismatched mittens and one-of-gloves...scraggling scarves I should have thrown out last year...
Mess mess mess.
Dressing to brave the elements steals a chunk of time from my day that is no longer available for other things.
More important things.
The volume of clothes I put on restrict my movements.
I feel heavier.
This is NOT a good thing!
I sound like a whiner even to my own ears.
I know.
But I do have some excuse..
I have a rare condition that makes the cold even worse.... cold induced urticaria
I bet you never knew that about me.
I huddle in my house for most of the winter dressed in layers of socks and shirts, wrapped in fleece blankets and drinking pots of coffee.
The funny thing is, I can't stand a hot house. I need fresh air.
And so..from October through to May in this beautiful land of winter...this wonderful country called Canada..which I love...my body fights...the battle rages.
There are days when I teeter on the brink of being cold all day long.
I look out at the sun...
I sit in the rays that blaze through the window into my south-facing kitchen..
...and pray for Spring...dream of Summer...
And I grow..and learn and I let winter teach me her lessons.
She is my most diligent, most passionate, most thorough teacher.
She gets the job done.

There is a book I walk past many times a day.
It stands on it's edge, behind some do-dad in it's little cubbyhole on my shelf.
Every time my eyes slide by it I can hear the words inside echo in my head.
I bought my first copy of this book for my mom after my dad divorced her.
Yes. it's one of those books.
The second, I bought for myself.

The illustrations in this book are comprised of dots.
Simple dots make up every picture on every page.
The message is Bold. Captivating. Sharp like a scapel.
There are days when just the title is enough:

" The Tree That Survived The Winter "

by Mary Fahy 

I found my copy of this book at a second hand bookstore for $3.
Priceless.
I love second hand books.
I always think of the hands that held the book before mine.
The person that purchased it...that read it..or gave it away...that hoped it would help...
Are those tear stains?
That corner was folded down...and I know why...
Did they pause here and breathe deep, the sharpness of the knife going deep???
No anesthetic for voluntary surrender.
I pray for them again today..the person who gave up this treasure that sits on my shelf and instructs my soul.
I pray they survived...
...that they reached deep with their roots and high with their branches...
...that they now thrive.. in the sun...

"I survived the winter!" the tree exulted

I have so been there.

"I have survived the winter, " the tree sighed, "and I have grown."

Here too.

And I will be again.

 I have also been here...

~~ But then she stopped. 

For the memory of the hard winter sent through her a stab of anger and pain 

that she thought spring had healed. 

'Where were you when I needed you,' she cried to the sun...didn't you see me shivering?

I became so brittle..my roots became paralyzed..my bark cracked... 

...and I missed you.~~

I am cold again today.

So cold.

And tired.

The fight leaves it's mark on my body and my mind.

I woke with tears threatening...for no apparent reason.

Weeping endures for the night they say..

...well some times I get my days and nights switched around.

But I know....deep in my deepest...deep in that place...

I know ...

~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~
~~Joy Commeth~~

Like the morning.

Like the sun.

Like Spring.

And I am warmed.

Here Comes the Light....

There is a day that comes every year.
A day where my heart leaps...
My breath catches ...
and a huge grin..
I mean HUGE...
H.U.G.E..
I am talking GINORMOUS people...
... stretches from ear to ear across my face.

I cannot contain it.

The funny thing is...that this day just randomly comes.
I can't predict when it will happen..it just does.

It happened to arrive this year on February 1st, 2011.
I became aware of it's arrival at supper time.
I was seating myself, preparing to dive into supper..
We were having Shepherd's Pie...Yum!
Then it happened...
...everything went still as I gazed out the window...
Honestly...
I think I stopped breathing for a minute.
My chair flew out and I rushed to the window to make sure of what I was seeing...
COULD IT BE TRUE?
YEs!
yes...YeS...yEs...Y.E.S....
( hApPy DaNcE inserted here! )

IT WAS STILL DAYLIGHT AS WE WERE SITTING DOWN TO SUPPER !

 It happens every year..
The day arrives that gives me strength to endure the possibility of three ( or 4) more months of snow..
(I do live in Alberta people)
It might not be a warm day...it might be snowing like mad...we could be at -40 with a windchill too low to comprehend..
All of that doesn't matter...

The Light has returned !
Every day dawn breaks earlier and sunset arrives a little later....
It actually feels like a war has been won.
Like the dawn physically pushes pack the night....
Like the light of day resists the coming night....and throws its many colors against the sky in defiance.
This is why I love the coming Spring...in all it's messy-ness..and temper tantrums..

It is the return of the Light.

There is debris all around and the winter storms have not been kind...
The landscape is scarred and battered.

But nothing compares to the Light.

Light wins.

...and it brings with it...

Joy.
Hope.
Anticipation.
Renewal.
Life...

I made it through.

Look carefully at the horizon today....
Wait for it...
Let the dawn break upon you and wash away the dregs of darkness...

Shout into its beauty with hope and faith...

It's a new day..
... a new season coming...

Here comes the Light!

Craving the Light

I woke up this morning craving the light.

It was my first thought in that moment between sleep and awake.

I am reading the first novel of a trilogy by Harold Myra called Children in the Night
(It is out of print but you can get it second hand)
I read this book years ago and wrote half of it down in my journal.
(It takes a special book to make it into my journal.)
To this day I have never read a series like it.

The way Myra formed his landscape... the contrast of light to darkness .
The characters individual struggles to embrace the light....
...to reach for the light in a world that has never seen light..
The comparison between physical light and the internal light of truth/love/beauty/wonder ..
...The light of the creator...
Left an impact on my soul.

So much of life is lived in the shadows.
Under the covers.
Behind closed doors.
Under makeup.
Shrouded in fashionable attire.
Cloaked in reputation.

"To see the light.. you must have great longing. "
H. Myra

 I woke up longing today.
It is like a fire... a hunger...
... a desperation...
There is a deep abiding knowledge woven in the very fabric of my existence...

I must walk in the light.
I must let it illuminate all of me.
Expose me.
Undo me.
Remake me.

God is light.
In him there is no shadow.
In his light I can have:
True community. True friendship. Real living.
Everything that is beautiful, good and right.
Strength is found in the light.
The light helps me endure.
Heartache.Pain.Suffering.Loss.Betrayal.Affliction.Persecution.
It feeds my spirit and fortifies hope.
It reaches the deepest of cornors.
Impenetrable dungeons.
The darkest Nights of the Soul.

The sun is blazing in a blue, blue sky today.
In the depths of winter the light it brings is such a gift.

My soul doth magnify the Lord.
My spirit rejoices..in God my saviour.
He is the Light of the World.

I crave him more than life.