Sola Deo Gloria

He was born a year and five days after his older brother.
We had two sons in one year.
We were still technically newly-weds.
He caught up in weight and size within the first year, after which there were no more hand-me -downs.
His speech was slow...but he mastered chess at a young age.
He hated losing and battled being a poor sport.
Words didn't come easily to him.
He couldn't fly by the seat of his pants.
He stumbled around trying to share his feelings, but continued to remain open and transparent.
He is teddy bear and fierce defender.
Thoughtful and sincere.
He declares at a young age...an age usually devoted to navel gazing by his peers:

" I am most myself when I am serving."

Slow and steady.
Steadfast and quiet.
A paradox.
At once insecure and needing affirmation...yet sure and rooted.
Not quick to grasp.... at first blush...but a thinking soul....working things through.
Seeking. Realizing.Applying.

He started a job almost two weeks ago, this son of mine....the one who wrestles with interviews...
Unable to break through to the interviewer and show his worth...
His boss swears and demeans, mocks and ridicules.
My son leaves in the morning with a smile on his face and gratitude in his heart for the gift of work.
He comes home still thankful but heavy in spirit.
He prays;
Thank-you Lord for work. Give me strength. Bless my boss.
Days pass.
He moves from simply working to intercession and worship.
The Lord is truth. Every man a liar.
My God is an awesome God.
Oh...how he loves us ...Oh....

Unable to even listen to his iPod..he sings and prays all day under his breath....
A life offered in seconds and minutes.

Today...after being soundly cursed in front of another employee. He quietly returns to his work and waits til his boss is alone...
" Can I speak to you sir for a moment?"
The man assents.
Shaking...heart pounding...fear threatening his power of speech he quietly states:

" Sir, I have shown you nothing but respect ever since I started working for you. You have shown me nothing but disrespect. I would appreciate it if you would give me the same respect I show you."

Shocked by the respectful confrontation the man replies:

" I was wrong. You are right. Please forgive me."

The night before I was waffling between the rage of a mother...and the knowledge of a disciple....

Bless those who curse you....

Today my son stood...David vs Goliath....
Spirit of God vs Spirit of the Age.
Greater is He that is within...
Greater works than this shall you do....
The Kingdom of God advanced.
Sola Deo Gloria
For the Glory of God alone!

This son discribed the battle for his mind and his words and his actions to me like this:

"Today mom, every time my mind complained I worshiped. I sang under my breath. I prayed: Every time!
My heart burned: and then I spoke.I shook. I was afraid. I spoke through my fear. God did it."

To God be the Glory.

The goal is not vengeance.
The goal is redemption.
Names written in the Lambs Book of Life.
His kindness leads us to repentance....
Mercy triumphs over judgement...
A soft answer....
We cannot fight hatred with hate...
Cursing with curses....
Pride with pride...superiority....

Lives laid down...
Submitted to the One...who lived submitted...
That is the example..the model...
Today I saw Jesus...lived out in my son.
The Power of a Spirit -filled life.

Sola Deo Gloria.

Context

What is it about dawn in the spring?
It never fails to make my heart leap. It never gets old.
The sun rises every day of the year but sunrise in the Spring-time is by far one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life...and it happens every year.
I awoke this morning and pain was the dominant ruler of my day...and then the sun came up...
Fingers of light stretching east to west...
Illuminating, caressing the landscape..nourishing...
I think it is all about context...
Like the words of the song..
"Don't it always seem to go: You don't  know know what you've got til it's gone"
Spring always follows winter.
Day always follows night.
Up comes after down...

Sleep always seems like dying to me.
Laying down my body, closing the eyes, drifting off...
Unaware...
Unconscious.
For all intents and purposes...I am not....
Then the awakening...the return...
It's a rebirth.
Today is a new day, yesterday washed away.... dead and gone...
I am like a Phoenix rising from the ashes every day with the sun..
Reborn...remade...refreshed...
Winter was long and hard....
It seems to steal from both ends...
Nipping at Autumn early and driving it out relentlessly, biting and clawing it's way forward.
It lingers and clutches at Springs coat-tails...laughing and taunting that it's not done with me yet.
But it is defeated....always.
Spring comes....ALWAYS.
Winter seems to have no purpose..but to ravage...defeat..destroy...
Don't get me wrong...snow is beautiful...and can provide hours of entertainment and fun.
There is a wonder and magic in the radiance of the white covering that shrouds a dead landscape.
It's stillness...breathlessness...is compelling.
But...Winter produces nothing living.
Nothing is alive save the living and breathing walking though it.
It's hard shell repels...rejects...forbids entry.
Storms rage....temperatures plummet...darkness rules.
It is a predator....it can kill with it's savage beauty.
It is a crucible. A furnace. An altar. A cross. A grave.
Spring....it is a womb..alive...pregnant with purpose...swelling with potential.
Spring pulses. It has a heart beat.

In this northern hemisphere, Spring is all the more magical and captivating in context...
It's battle with the long-fingered grasp of winter makes it all the more wondrous.
I could laugh with sheer joy!
Triumphant.
This season is such a picture of overcoming.
Of life...after death.

My body woke me in agony this morning...
Pain has been the dominant feature on my landscape for a while now, causing me to gasp and drop and shuffle and twist..looking for relief....that seems the sole aim of my existence lately...Relief !

The sun rose this morning.
My heart skipped a beat.
Tears blur my vision.
There is more to my existence than being pain free.
I am more than the pain.
My mind, my thoughts, my heart and soul....they are eternal.
This landscape...this body... can be injured, broken, afflicted....it can fail..and fall.
It can die.
The words  of a hymn we used to sing whispers through my mind...

"But I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded: 

that he is able...to keep that which I've committed ..unto him, against that day. "

My son has opened the window in my living room..
I lie here on my foamy..reclining ...leaning into the pain...pressing in...
The breeze blows fresh...carrying out the stale air and bringing with it birdsong and smells of green grass...
My eyes drift closed...a smile spreads slowly across my face...
Today...set before me is Life...and death...

I choose...Life....
I choose.... no one chooses for me...
I decide...what matters...
Life.
I shout it out!
To my body.
It doesn't matter.
Limits. Restrictions. Pain.
My thoughts. My mind. My attention. My being. My worship.
Directed.
Offered.
Live to die...Die to Live....
It's all about context....
Life wins every time!

Original....thanks be to God!

" You were born an original, don't die a copy."

John Mason

The dregs of winter cling to the curbs and are mounded up, dirty and grey on my north facing front lawn.
I watched the dawn come this morning, through slitted, heavy, sandy eyes...
my wounded body shifting restlessly on my couch.
I counted the minutes like drips from a leaky faucet...slow to build...reluctantly moving on.
I wrestled through the darkest night of the soul I have had in a long time.
Failures and faults, limitations and choices slammed into me from all sides.
The sameness of my days this year, thus far, battered me with insignificance.

What's left after the dark scourges?
After the long night wrings every last drop of strength from even the marrow of your bones?
Who am I?
Underneath the skin of my days?

 As dawn breached the dark and night gave way I fell into a short slumber, waking three hours later with the realization that the question asked is mis-spelled....
The question is not who am I?
It should be :

Whose am I?

I am an original.
one -of-a-kind
unique
unequaled
unparalleled
singular
incomparable
 creation.

I was purposed...


"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16

I read about the precious gift of my intentioned life and I swell with thanksgiving.
Pregnant with purpose.
The weeping of the night turns to joyous laughter...
Weary limbs stretch high..and wide in praise.
Courts are entered.
Shoes removed.
Holy is the Lord God Almighty!

I turn the pages of "one thousand gifts" and startling truth sears through...
piercing...lancing...
Ann Voskamp echoes the cry of my heart..
...forged in the fires of His love...
tempered by the knowledge of His goodness...

"...life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change."


It is well with my soul.
That soul that makes it's boast in God alone.
The One whose strength is made perfect in weakness.



This is His day..
I will rejoice.
He is the Original.
I am his.

..and so are you....

An original work of his hands.
Fearfully.
Wonderfully.
Made.
Never to be repeated.
Hairs numbered.
Days ordained.
Thanks be to God...
Who does ALL things well.

Different....

It's a scary word.

"different"

In past times that word associated with your name could mean death.

Or worse.

Nowadays we tend to gravitate towards the word unique.

It is more socially acceptable.

It sounds way more mysterious and permissible.

But only in specific situations.

With certain people.

We are still ducking and weaving in our society.

Hiding.

Explaining.

Fearing.

We live in a world hell-bent on education.

Their way.

In their schedule.

On their time-line.

Or else.

Proof demanded.

Interpreted... accepted or rejected.

What's proof of a life growing and learning and developing, expanding, enriching..impacting....

What does that look like?

Who decided?

How it was going to be?

How long it was going to take?????

We live in a society that watches.

Carefully.

Watches and evaluates.

Why?

How has it improved life?

Family?

Relationships?

We are more diagnosed.

Medicated.

Relegated.

Isolated.

Compartmentalized.

Than ever before.

We have lost sight of the value of the individual.

Their life is chopped into measurable sections and held up for inspection.

He's not reading yet.

She can't divide.

He can't even write an essay.

Her reading comprehension skills are a little behind for her age.

When did we start majoring on what wasn't instead of what was.

When did we start micro managing the processes of a life.

We live on the planet for such a short time.

We've forgotten the whole of a life..

It is a WHOLE LIFE we are living.

How many years do we have?

What is the reason behind the living?

Make the most of your life they say..you only get one shot...

I can't believe I have lived 43 years already.

But in all these years one message has never changed:

Education is the key ..they say...

What is this mysterious education that is the answer to all our woes?

From what I have seen the world has not improved.

We have more stuff.

More knowledge.

More technology.

We are faster and smarter than we have ever been.

We have more suicides.

More murders.

More illnesses.

More depraved acts.

More ..more..more...

The list goes on.

When did we start making the majority of life the pursuit of approval.

The measuring of worth and value.

The placement on a scale.

Smart.

Stupid.

Average.

Above.

Beautiful.

Not.

Fast.

Slow.

Complex.

Simple.

Worthy.

Un- _______

Who gets the most time?

The most opportunities ?

The most attention ?

The most effort?

Different.

Where do you go to be that?

Thinking differently is dangerous.

People want to help you change your mind.

They say things like..

But what about...

Will they measure up...

But ..your kids..they still need to make it in the world...

Won't they be missing out?

I am scared some days.

I know what beats deep inside my heart.

I know what resonates in the depths of my being.

Different demands a separation of sorts.

Not a lack of community...

But a digging in ...finding a healthy climate in which to grow.

A place to flourish.

People want immediate confirmation that what you are doing is right.

If something doesn't work out as they define success.. 

they scream and holler...point and shout..

smile knowingly...

frown disapprovingly...

see .. being different in that way was wrong..

You believed wrong.

I knew it.

The funny thing is.

When you are doing something the same as everyone else and you fail...it isn't blamed on the sameness...it is blamed on extenuating circumstances..something random...

What is the proof of a life?

A good life?

Is is acclamation?

The approval of your peers?

A diploma?

A house and property?

A 401K...or retirement fund?

The ability to read or write an essay?

Knowing a little bit about a lot of things?

Being well rounded?

No.

We are so NOT comfortable with different.

It escapes our tidy boxes.

It demands questions.

Most of the time I hear the words..

Oh I could never do that....

Then don't.

That's the beauty of being different.

I let you be you.

Valuable.

Unique.

Walking out your days...your way.

The key is to let me do likewise.

There is a freedom in letting people be different.

Liberating yourself from measuring.

Quantifying.

Our society is not set up to accommodate this well.

People used to be thrown in jail for Home Schooling.

They still are.

People are imprisoned and tortured all over the word for their Christian beliefs.

Racism exists.

Violence runs rampant.

Sin abounds.

Grace much more abounds.

I am walking out my life ...a leaf trembling in the wind.

I think differently about the world.

I have choices.

I choose.

I live.

Life is good.

Not easy.

The voices invade.

The yard stick is very evident some days.

Opinions fall like rain.

But I still dare.

Different.

Just relax.

It looks good on everyone.

Pain, Bloodwork and Psycho Xray Techs...

Photo by Bill Mangold

Life is definitely several sideways steps away from normal in our house.
It has been a year since I have been able to sleep on either left or right side..
Since I refuse to sleep on my belly...because when I do my arms fall asleep, the only other option is my back.
It is a no brainer...no pain.
The body is an amazing machine.
It is very mysterious.
Processes happening at the speed of light.seemingly without a thought.
breathing, heart pumping,synapses firing, fingers typing
sit stand laugh cry hiccup burp....far*
And then whammo...
Pain.
Something is wrong.
WRONG
Capital W wrong.
I was scared this week.
My shoulder has been bothering me for over a month.
Then the pain expanded to somewhere deep in the center of my arm.
My lower back gave up its supporting role and is now on fire and shouting at me.
I can't bend to put on my socks..who knew how important that job is.
I now sleep in my socks to solve the morning dressing problem.
I finally muster the will to get to the clinic where a very nice Dr. Lady sends me immediately to X-ray and the lab for blood work.
She is taking this seriously as she questions me about the last time I have a physical...
Ummmm....well...hmmmmmm...so far back I can't remember.
She with the head of gloriously gray hair slants her eyes at me menacingly and gets her point across with no words at all.
Across the road I go to x-ray where my experience with Mother Earth Dr quickly disintegrates into a wrestling match with over-compensating  power hungry aggressive dominating psycho x-ray tech man.
He grabbed, shoved, pushed, maneuvered, his hands were everywhere..and more often than not he grabbed my sore shoulder.
I winced.
I grimaced.
I even moaned once.
I asked about a position and he said he would tell me what he wanted me to do and when.
I stared into the distance and concentrated on breathing and being still.
I never met his eyes once after that.
Maybe he had a bad day. I usually have copious amounts of grace for people, realizing that they have lives and situations I am not aware of that contribute to their attitudes and actions.
This time I was not only wrestling with psycho man...but also with VERY BAD THOUGHTS.
At one point, while he was positioning my hand forward I imagined grabbing the sensitive parts just in front of me and squeezing tightly, looking deep into his eyes and saying:
"Person here, injured, in pain..handle with care or else!"
My imaginary actions soothed my soul to some extent.
And then I thought...
I wonder who he went home to last night?
What his life really looks like.
I have it good.
I know it.
The lab tech who took my blood at the crack of dawn this morning was the boss of the clinic..the only white man on the premises.
It is amazing the personal history you get from medical people within a five minute window, sitting in a chair while your blood drains into various tubes.
Seriously.
I howled.
I am still laughing, albeit carefully as the muscle relaxant has not kicked in quite yet.
People are amazing.
Diverse, unique...fascinating.
Every one I meet is a living breathing miracle.
Designed. Purposed. Intended.( even psycho x-ray man)

Today I came to the realization that while I frequent the doctors as little as possible...if the world was to succumb to some great cataclysmic event, I would definitely appreciate some pain killers, muscle relaxants and other such medications.
I hate pain.
Really.
I have been in pain for quite some time now.
A year and a bit....

The scary part comes at night.
With the lights out and deep breathing sounds filling the silence.
Thoughts of the big "C"
Visions of blood clots moving....migrating...
Neurological Disorders...M.S.
I find myself having to talk myself down from the ledge...quite frequently lately.
I have found counting my breaths and prayer to be a good combination.
Actually...It becomes a monologue.
I talk.
I tell God what I want.
A long full life.
Basic.
Simple.
To the point.
The world I live in is fraught with peril.
Disaster lurks.
Hiding deep within the planet....or whirling in the wind...carried on crashing waves...
Buried in our cells..in the very marrow of our bones...our blood..
Madness and mayhem breeds...
In the minds of rulers and warlords.
A drunken driver.
An angry parent....husband...child...
A restless, hurting, suicidal teen.
My heart is heavy today.
There is so much to care about.
So much to see.
I want to see.
I don't want a comfortable life.
I need to care.
I need to wake up.
I need to pray.
Today I pray for the crazy xray tech....find God...He knows you.
Blessings upon you and your household.
Japan.
Strength for today.
Turn to the Lord your maker.
Comfort.
Syria.
Be healed.
Find peace.
America.
Wake up.
Renew your minds.
Be transformed.
Canada.
God keep our land.
Shake off your slumber.
Use your gifts.
Healing for the nations.

Life is precious.
Today I want to be spent on the purposes of God..
When he spends..he never runs out...
Normal...
I don't want it.
I want a deliberate life.
Extraordinary.
Poised.
Anticipating every breath.
Focused on seeing what God sees.
Listening.
Hearing.
Doing what he says.
Aware of the minutes and seconds.
...of the lives I bump into....
Of whose I am.
After all....the pain, the blood work..the psycho x-ray techs...
It's really God in whom I live and move and have my very being.

I am in the best place there is.
It is well with my soul.

Convenient

"Something I see again and again is a desire to do the most convenient thing ~  to find a nutritional solution that involves as little effort as possible with as little change in beliefs too."

 Ian Marber ( The Food Doctor) in his book Super Eating

I was reading this book aloud to my youngest son (15) this morning.

As I read the above statement I was struck with how that specific truth was applicable in almost every area of my life.

You see it on the show What Not To Wear.... in the area of fashion and make-up.

Most everyone on the show wants quick, comfortable, easy, convenient...

...but expect results that only time, effort and attention to detail can provide.

You see it on X-Weighted, The Biggest Loser and others....

What's convenient...can kill you.

You see it on the emotional front when we are grabbing minutes and seconds ..maybe not even those..to get healthy...

...but fail to take the necessary time and thoughtful approach to the areas weakened by time and neglect.

And our marriages fail.

Our families disintegrate.

And we medicate.

And society crumbles.

How convenient.

In the nutritional aspect of our lives..well...Marber put it perfectly...

We want maximum results from little effort...and for goodness sakes don't challenge my beliefs!

And I gaze at the scale in disbelief.. or tug at my clothes as they start feeling tight.

I huff and puff going up the stairs.

My bad.

Have you ever thought of how much more convenient life is now than it used to be?

With internet, cell phones, vehicles, self-check-out, online shopping... the list goes on and on...

and on....

What do we do with all that extra time ?

All that convenience?

We add more.

Instead of deepening what we have.

Enriching what we value.

Protecting what is right and true.

Healing...

Resting...

Being...

We even have Convenience Stores....

How convenient is that?

Well now..onto the spirtual front...

Ouch..

Can you see where this is heading?

I have my hands over my eyes!

Seriously... I do...

I am flinching on the inside.

My teeth are clenched.

How convenient is this... my 5 minutes with God....(more or less)

...out of my 16 hour day.

I stand amazed at his mercy.

How gracious he is to one who calls them-self:  " One of His."

We demand such performance in education from our children...from ourselves

....reading, writing, arithmetic...sciences, humanities...the list goes on...

Hours of study...

So we can...

What?

Live well?

Be happy?

Be successful?

How convenient.

I woke up early today to spend time reading my bible.

When I was done and I had prayed and turned to do something else, I was struck with the notion that devotions weren't enough.

What a notion to be struck with!

At 6:30 am too!

IT'S. NOT.ENOUGH. 

It's really not.

What I needed was to BE devoted.

To maintain an awareness at all time ...of who I belonged to... and what that means....

..how it looks...how it's lived....

A life devoted to God is NOT convenient.

It means letting other things go.

It involves...

Thought.

Effort.

Sacrifice.

Humility.

Time.

Pressure.

Effort.

Perseverance.

Suffering.

Discipline.

Intention

How inconvenient !

Where does that fit in my : "Well Planned Day" ??????

Today I have decided that I don't want a convenient life.

I want my beliefs challenged.

How about you?

Happiness.....

" The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who seeks happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts, and multiply the griefs which he seeks to remove. The trouble often is, we are too selfish, to unyielding in our arrangements for life's best good. Because we cannot find happiness in our own way we will not accept it in its appointed way, and so make ourselves miserable. Some excellent people are very unhappy from a kind of stubborn adherence to their settled convictions of just what they must have and what they must do to be happy. They lose sight of the fact that GOD rules above them, partly at least, beyond their control. They have not determined to accept life cheerfully in whatever form it may come."
~S.C. Ferguson and E.A. Allen

Ok...
If I stopped there it would be enough, but those of you who know me...well....
I must process ....

Out loud...online...

that's just who I am...

Stuffed in a cubbyhole of my coffee table you will find three books written byBob Shultz. They are devotionals for boys: Boyhood and Beyond, Created For Work and Practical Happiness ( A Young Man's Guide to a Contented Life).

Love the books.

The above quote came from the last one: Practical Happiness.

The title threw me and my cynicism almost prevented me from buying it.
Let's be honest...
Happiness is whimsical at best...and very subjective.

The million dollar question is: What makes me happy? ( that's higher than the usual $100 question I know, and since we're all overspending to try and stimulate the economy, I thought I get some back...it's tax season you know!)

The cliche answer: God makes me happy.

In 1980's vernacular: GAG ME with a spoon!

At this point in my life I don't have time for pointless insincerity.
Or religious BS.

What we would like to be true and what is true are two completely different entities all together.

Take it from me: I KNOW!

As each year passes I marvel at God's patience with me.
Having committed my life to Christ at a vey young age you would think I'd be farther along on the journey...a little bit holier.. a whole lot more mature and way more together.

As I read this quote on happiness to my boys yesterday morning while we were all wrapped up in blankets on the sofa, I was struck again by the tenacity and unfailing constancy of God...in his relentless pursuit of the real me...and the relentless unveiling of himself and his plan for us all.

I have said it before and I say it again: We have our entire lives to learn how to die.

How long have I told God what I need to be happy?
How many lists are running through my mind at any given moment?
How many times have I accused him of witholding?
How many expectations have been unmet?
How many disappointed hopes? Dreams?
How many times have I railed at the silence and demanded that he speak?
How many times have I put MY words in his mouth?
How many times have I taken over the writing of my story?
The interpretation of my circumstances...

Instead of accepting what he has offered..I have held up to him what I believe is being denied.
... and declared that the enemy could not stand in the way.

Who is my enemy?

It depends on perspective sometimes.

"His ways are NOT our ways and his thoughts are NOT our thoughts...."

WILL I EVER LEARN??????

I live in an age, in a country, where I am not likely to be imprisoned for my beliefs...at least not yet.
I have never gone hungry.
Never been without shelter.
Never been thirsty unto death.
I have not been beaten or stripped...or spit upon...or stoned. ( with rocks or otherwise!)
Nor killed. (duh)

I am breathing.
Today.
This is a good thing.

I read somewhere once that the 30's are when you see the consequences of the choices you make in your teens and 20's and the 40's are when you decide what to do with those consequences:

1. Accept responsibility for them and repent and be transformed....walking out your life in grace.
2. Avoid and ignore and pretend it never happened....
3. Carry your wounds... and bitterness on you like a garment and remain crippled and disapointed into middle age, and beyond.

Happiness.

Whom have I but you?

I want to live a contented life.

One where I trust implicitly the one who is emminently trustworthy.

One where I don't focus on what is not happening..what is not delivered..what is not offered.

Where I believe that the goodness of God is unfailing.
Where I surrender my desires.

Where I am truly like the son who was happy to do the will of his father.
...and lived among betrayers, fools, murderers, prostitutes, unbelievers, accusers...
..and... was their friend... and died for that happiness.


Love...bears all things...believes all things...hopes all things...endures all things...
Love NEVER fails...

He will never fail me.
He never has.

....and when all is said and done:
That makes me happy....His way.

It is enough.
It has to be.
There is nothing else.