I couldn't sleep last night.
Or the night before.
As my husband of 20 years + .... breathed gently beside me
I found myself contemplating all the needs I had that weren't being met.
As a woman of many words you would think that I could give voice easily on that topic
after all these years...
You would also think that I would be far beyond feeling needy.
Aging brings perspective.
The 40's are great.
They have brought such liberation.
They have brought such hope.
They have brought a whole slew of other things as well : including more questions than answers.
I have never been so alone.
Let me rephrase...
I have never known such alone-ness.
As my husband lay sleeping I reached out and wrapped myself around him from behind..
( I think this is called spooning)
My thoughts were a jumble...a collage of feelings and questions...wonderings and illuminations.
The longer I am married the more I realize that it is not about marriage.
The longer I spend with this person...my husband...
...the more I realize that...
this is NOT about Us....
It is about ME.
( contrary to the Purpose Driven Life)
It is about God.
In all of it.
All of life.
How then do I live?
So many roles.
So limited by time.
So defined by the temporary.
Life is not lived in single file.
It is traversed shoulder to shoulder...parallel journeys.
No shadows cast.
The Light is an ever fixed mark.
Love is an ever flowing river....
When I was a teenager I used to read 1 Corinthians 13 and wonder.
I prayed...to know love.
Somehow I knew..
That was my reason for existing.
To know love..and love in return.
I have wandered.
I have drifted.
I have gotten lost.
Or so I thought.
The great thing about believing in God is that deep inside...
The knowledge of his EVER-present-ness becomes an anchor.
The knowledge of his overwhelming goodness..faithfulness and mercy...
At the end.
To be loved..beloved
Is the center.
Is the reason.
Is the definition of life.
Searching for love from others...
I know..because my love fails all the time.
This morning I choose to be loved... beloved...
Only then... can I let it flow through...
Love flows in one direction...from the heart of God...
There is no other source.
I cannot direct it's flow...contain it...re-direct it...control it...demand it
bears me...and all my burdens
believes in me...and the purpose for my existence
hopes for me...eternally
endures for me...all things
never fails me...
I don't love the people around me because I must...
because I am their mother...
Love is not so limited... so confined... so self-serving...
There is not more or less of love...
There is not deeper or richer love...
It has no spectrum.
It is incomparable.
It is my reason for being.