Monday, January 10, 2011


I have been sleeping poorly for about a year now.
A visit to the chiropractor revealed that my ribs were somehow locking in a flexed position after several hours of sleep. This results in NO flexibility to my rib cage which in turn creates the feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place.
The pain wakes me every morning.
Sometimes the wee hours of the morning.
I have had treatment, x-rays.. and am in desperate need of an MRI to figure out the underlying cause.
The wait time for an MRI in this city is shocking.

Life is interesting.

Chronic pain over a long period is wearing.
Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Last night I woke after only sleeping for about two hours.
My heart was racing.
My body hurting.
My mind was in the grip of fear.

I have watched people get diagnosed with terrible diseases.
And live.
And die.
I have watched people bury their loved ones.
And mourn.
And live on.

I was measuring my life in breaths last night.
So aware of every cell.
Every synapse firing.
Every beat of my heart.

The WHO I am at the moment seems so dependent on WHAT I am made of.
The girl behind the green eyes is more than the sum of her parts.
The parts working and those not working so well.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment last night and saw stars and galaxies as light filtered through my eyelids.
I know the universe exists.
I saw the pictures on the internet.

I know I am.
I breathe.
I feel.
I think.
I have the pictures.

Life is emotional.
Intensely sensory.

Last night there were times I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open...
My body wouldn't co-operate.
Sleep eluded me.
Fear found me.
Imagination ruled the dark.

Sleep is like a death every time we succumb.
We drift away.
Lose awareness of being.
Totally dependent on a series of actions intimately linked, performed by an aging body.
Grey matter sending electrical messages to cells and tissues.

Where am I when I sleep?
Where do I go?
Will I awaken ?

I must believe that something more that cellular attraction holds ME together.
All my memories, experiences, beliefs... loves.

God. I. love. life.

Painful and unpredictable.
Fleeting and fragile.
Magical and mysterious.
Strenuous and challenging.
Fraught with peril yet full of hope.

Life happens anew every morning... I open my eyes and catch that first breath of awareness.

I am reborn.
I know.
I sense.
I see.
I am.

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